Cry me a river #AprilatoZchallenge

C

I thought I had it bad looking after me ma. She has us run ragged; up and down the stairs day and night because she refuses to get out of the bloody bed.

She has her breakfast dinner and tea up there. No sooner am I down the stairs, trying to have a bit to eat meself, when she’s banging on the floor with her walking stick. But, holy god, some people have it worse than us; Jackie Byrne for example. I bumped into her in Lidl the other day. The poor girl looked worn out. I say girl, but my god, she looked like an old woman…

  • Howya Bernie.
  • Jackie, long time no see. How are things?
  • Not too bad Bernie, they could be worse I suppose, how’s your ma?
  • She’s grand Jackie, just old age getting her down. She’s taken to her bed since Christmas and she has us all running after her like blue arsed flies.
  • Cry me a river, Bernie; sure me da’s the same since me ma died.
  • I was sorry to hear about your ma Jackie; lovely woman she was.
  • I know, I’m heartbroken Bernie.
  • Ah Jackie, and there’s me giving out about my ma and you’d give anything to have yours back.
  • It’s alright Bernie, sure we all give out about our folks at one stage or another, and I know how you feel. Da has me run off me feet, I haven’t a minute to meself between looking after him and me own.
  • How’s he keeping these days?
  • He’s in good form but missing me ma something terrible. she did everything for him, and now I’ve to carry on where she left off. I’m his sole carer now. The joys of being an only child wha’?
  • I thought you had an older brother.
  • I thought I did too, but since Leslie moved to Waterford, we’ve hardly seen him.
  • Does he not come up to visit or help out with your da?
  • Are you having a laugh? That lazy fucker wouldn’t¬† scratch his arse, never mind help me da.
  • It’s a long way from Waterford but.
  • Not too far to come scrounging for a few bob off me poor ma and da when his dole ran out.
  • Oh, is he still out of work?
  • Work? Would ye stop. If there was work in the bed, that fella would sleep on the floor.
  • You should ring him, ask him to help out sometime.
  • I’ll wring his neck Bernie, that’s about it. Look it, I’d better run, me da will be waiting. It’s shower day today.
  • You’ve to shower your da by yourself?
  • Yeah, jesus help me. I never thought I’d see the day that I’d be scrubbing me da’s willy, but there you go. Haha; You never know what’s round the corner.
  • Ah Jackie, I don’t know how you keep your sense of humour with all you’ve to do.
  • If I didn’t laugh I’d cry, Bernie; and if I start crying, sure I’d probably never stop.

…and I think I have it bad ūüė¶

 

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Bottle Banks and bloody kids

 

Having grown up kids still living at home can take it’s toll. They’re worse than babies. I think I had it easier when I was changing nappies. I’m not the only one either.

  • How was your Christmas, Bernie?
  • Same shite different year, Babs
  • That bad was it?
  • Well if you call, feeding the five thousand everyday, then doing the washing up afterwards, doing the laundry, cleaning toilets, refilling toilet roll holders every five minutes, then driving to the bottle bank to get rid of everyone elses shite, then yeah…it was that bad.
  • So you didn’t enjoy it then?
  • Ah, I suppose it wasn’t that bad. Don’t be minding me. I’m just suffering from ACBYN syndrome.
  • What?
  • After Christmas, before New Year.
  • Those few days between Christmas and New Year are the worst, aren’t they Bernie? You don’t know what the hell day it is.
  • Well, I hate when my family are selfish fuckers. The more you do, the less thanks you get.
  • Mine are the same, they take over the house and then fuck off back to their lives with ne’er a thanks or a bunch of flowers or a kiss me arse.
  • And ordering takeaways all hours of the day and night, without even asking if you’d like something. Aww no, just leave your empty pizza boxes on the floor beside your empty glasses why don’t you. I’ve a pain in me hole running after that lot. I had to get out of the house for an hour, just to get away from them.
  • Ah, fair play to you, Bernie. Are you going anywhere nice?
  • The bottle bank…again.

Well that was before New Years Eve, and you know how that ended.¬† I swore this year, things were going to be different…we’ll see.

 

That’s snow way to treat a lady

So storm Emma has fecked off, the beast has gone back east and homes all over Ireland has enough loaves of bread in their freezers to do them until next Christmas. It was fun while it lasted. We didn’t starve, we didn’t eat each other…except metaphorically of course, we trudged to the pub in our wellies to meet our stalwart friends who also braved the elements (jaysis we’d do anything for a few pints) and fell back home, falling occasionally into ditches,( but then we do that every Saturday night ) and now we’re dealing with the big thaw.

Because I never go anywhere without my car, and that was stuck under a mountain of snow, I had to walk to the local shop and I met neighbours I haven’t seen in months. It was great catching up on all the local goings on.

Storm Emma brought a great sense of community to the country. Everyone helped out by shopping for elderly neighbours, helping to clear driveways and generally being nicer people. Maisie said it was like during the war when people had feck all but shared it anyway. (go figure!)

So, I had that warm and second world war during the blitzy feeling, baking bread soup ( ok the bread was from SuperValu and already half baked and the soup was from a packet, but still…) Then, Saturday morning there was a knock on the door, and when I opened it, there was two young lads with shovels over their shoulders…

  • Howya missus
  • Alright lads, what can I do for you?
  • No missus, it’s what we can do for you
  • And what might that be?
  • We’re going to clear your driveway
  • Ah that’s nice of you. How much are you charging?
  • Ah no missus, no charge
  • Aww that’s nice of you
  • No bother missus. We’re doing it for all the old people in the area

 

I was not amused. Maisie thought it was hilarious.

“Getting old hurts doesn’t it Bernie?” says she

Wagon!!

 

snow

 

No cure for stupid…Aussie Rules

blonde meme

So the entire house was struck down with this winter flu bug. Christmas came and went in a fog of coughs and fevers . It’s like it never even happened. The Christmas tree only came down yesterday and I feel like Santa hasn’t even arrived yet. Today was my first day out. I was going stir crazy in the house so I walked to Spar to get some more¬† Lemsips. Madonna O’Reilly’s daughter was serving behind the counter

  • Ah hello Mrs. Violet, how are you?
  • There y’are Mandy. I didn’t know you worked here
  • I only started last week. Me ma knows the owner, she got me in ’cause I wasn’t arsed going back to school
  • How is Mad Mary?
  • Who?
  • Your ma…Our Kylie always called her Mad Mary
  • Why
  • MADonna Mary…
  • Oh yeah, ha good one Mrs. Violet. Me da just calls her Donna, but yeah you’re right she is a bit mad alright. So, what can I get for you?
  • ¬†A large packet of Lemsips please. We’re all at the tail end of that Aussie flu
  • You do look a bit rough alright
  • Thanks Mandy
  • Ah you usually look fab, it’s that flu, it’s killing us
  • Tell me about it. I feel as if I’ve done ten rounds with Conor McGregor
  • Everyone seems to have caught it. They’re dropping like flies up me mas estate, and you know I don’t think any of them have been to Australia recently. Me ma thinks it’s in the water
  • Is that right?
  • Why do we always get other countries diseases ?
  • What do you mean?
  • Well last year it was Hong Kong flu. This year it’s Australian flu. I hope they find a cure for it, not like that man flu. My granny says that’s incurable, isn’t that shocking?
  • Nothing shocks me anymore Mandy
  • You know,when I was small I had German measles. My ma¬† said she’s never been to Germany in her life. She doesn’t know how I picked it up
  • But…
  • Then there’s that Impetigo
  • That’s a skin rash Mand
  • Yeah from Impitego…that’s in Brazil or one of them countries isn’t it?
  • Did you say you weren’t going back to school love?
  • Yeah, sure I was learning nothing.
  • You don’t say?
  • School of life for me now Mrs. V. Just like me ma
  • Are you a natural blonde like your ma aswell Mandy?
  • I am, why do you ask?
  • Oh no reason
  • Well to be fair me ma does have a few highlights
  • What are they Mandy…A few vodkas and karaoke of a Saturday night?…haha
  • No, she has highlights in her hair I meant
  • Oh I know what you meant. Here…give us a packet of paracetamol with them Lemsips¬† please
  • Aw have you got a headache Mrs. V?
  • I’m getting one Mandy…I’m getting one

 

Did you ever wish you’d just stayed in bed?

Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her

 

You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernadette
  • So were you out this morning?
  • I was, no thanks to you
  • What do you mean
  • Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
  • Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
  • What did you say
  • I said…did you go to mass ?
  • I did. Your brother brought me
  • That’s nice
  • Bernard, not Frank
  • Good old St. Bernard
  • Leave Bernard alone
  • With pleasure
  • So how’s father Mulcahy?
  • Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
  • He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
  • Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
  • Does he? That’s nice
  • Very uplifting sermon
  • Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
  • For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
  • Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
  • Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
  • Christmas ma
  • Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
  • ¬†1989
  • Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
  • You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
  • You need to thank god for your blessings
  • I can thank God at home ma
  • It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
  • Who?
  • That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
  • Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
  • Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
  • I told you I did Bernie
  • Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
  • Why
  • Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
  • I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
  • Holy jaysis ma
  • Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
  • Says you slagging the neighbours
  • I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
  • Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
  • Stop cursing
  • Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …

Ferero heart never won fair lady ‚̧ԳŹ

 

  • Did you buy me chocolates Jimmy?
  • Why would I buy you chocolates?
  • For Valentines day
  • You hate all that Valentines shite
  •  I don’t hate chocolate tho’
  • There’s still half a box of Ferero left since Christmas
  • What do you mean half a box? I never even opened them
  • I had one or two the other night when you were out
  • Did ye now? Well how come there’s only a half box left?
  • Well, maybe I ate more than one or two
  • You’re an awful gannet Jimmy Violet
  • I thought you didn’t want them. They’re there since Christmas
  •  I’m on the slimming world diet, I couldn’t eat them
  • I did you a favour so
  • I was saving them for a special occasion
  • Like what?
  • Like when I lost me first stone
  • That’s kinda defeating the purpose Ber isn’t it?
  • Whatever Jimmy, ah will ye look at the time, I’m dead  late for me weigh in. DON’T eat the rest of MY Ferero before I get back
  • It’ll be my Valentines gift to you
  • Oooh Mr. Ambassador  with zees half box of Rocher you are truly spoiling meeeee
  • I really am Ber. I mean I could’ve eaten them all
  • I’ve heard it all now, giving me a half box of my own chocolates for Valentines day
  • That’s how much I love you Ber. Any more than that and you’d never reach your target. 
  • You’re all heart Jimmy  ‚̧
  • I do try Bernie
  • Who says romance is dead?

 

ferero

 

The Epiphany

xmas decos

  • Oh hello Bernie
  • Howya Mrs. Flynn.Come on in, I just have the kettle boiled
  • I was just checking that there was nothing wrong
  • Everything is grand. Why do you ask?
  • Well I ¬†haven’t seen you around for a while ¬†and then today I was just passing and noticed you still have your Christmas tree up
  • ¬†Yeah, it’s lovely isn’t it?
  • It’s the middle of January Bernie
  • And?
  • And what?
  • Your tree should be down
  • Who said?
  • Christmas is over, no one needs to say it
  • Well why did you have yours up in November then?
  • I like to have mine up early
  • Well maybe I like to have mine up late
  • It’s not Christmas anymore ¬†Bernie
  • November is not Christmas either Mrs. Flynn
  • Before Christmas is different
  • How?
  • Because, it’s nice to get in the mood early
  • Well maybe I’m still in the mood
  • In January?
  • Yeah, in January
  • It’s bad luck to leave your decorations up after January 6th
  • Who said
  • Everyone knows you should take your decorations down the day after twelfth night
  • That’s only an old wives tale
  • It’s not. It’s tradition to take it down on the epiphany
  • So is it not bad luck to put your decorations up the day after Hallowe’en then?
  • I don’t think so?
  • That’s more than twelve nights. Why should you get more nights than me. I only put mine up the week before Christmas
  • It’s nothing to do with the amount of nights
  • Well what are you on about then?
  • I just think it’s ridiculous still having your tree still up on the 14th of January
  • Well I think it’s ridiculous to have your tree up on the 1st of November
  • So how long do you intend leaving it up then?
  • I’ve just had an epiphany of my own Mrs. Flynn
  • What’s that?
  • I think I’ll leave it up until next year. It would save me a lot of hassle wouldn’t it?
  • Are you serious?
  • Yeah totally. Excuse me for a minute will you Mrs.Flynn, I just need to tell himself…JIMMY, PUT THEM BOXES BACK IN THE ATTIC, I’M LEAVING THE DECORATIONS UP ‘TIL NEXT CHRISTMAS
  • That’s just madness Bernie
  • So I’m a bit mad, what else is new? D’ye want a mince pie with that tea Mrs. Flynn? They’re only out of the oven.
  • Really?
  • No, I’m only buzzin’ with you, I bought them in Aldi.

( I told Jimmy to take down that fucking tree before we went to Lanzarote)