party

Party Central #AtoZChallenge

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 3 Comments

Me and Jimmy went away for a few days over the Easter break. I’d been up to me eyes with me ma and work and the whole lot. I warned my lot not to be having any parties. ‘Not at all ma’ they said. ‘You go and enjoy yourself, everything will be cool here, you don’t need to worry about a thing.’

I must have been mad to believe them, the little feckers.

P

  • So, Whitney, how many people were at this party?
  • What party?
  • The party I warned you not to have before I went away
  • I don’t know what you’re talking about
  • Do you not now?
  • No, I mean, look at the gaf, it’s spotless.
  • I know, lovely; even cleaner than before I went away…suspiciously clean actually
  • So,
  • So, you never clean the house
  • I thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you got home
  • Oh, it’s a surprise alright
  • Well, what are you complaining about then? Oh I get it, I bet that old Biddy across the road told you
  • Mrs. Tyler? Oh lovely, so I have her to face as well as everything else
  • She’s a nosey cow
  • Well, I haven’t see her…yet
  • So, how did you know then?
  • You forgot to get rid of all your recycling
  • No I didn’t
  • Yes you did
  • I put it all in the green bin
  • Exactly
  • Exactly what
  • Exactly where you shouldn’t put four vodka bottles,three Jameson bottles, at least forty Bacardi Breezer bottles, and I lost count of the Smirnoff Ice.
  • I can’t believe you’ve been checking the bins
  • Yes I have
  • Who are you? Jessica Fletcher?
  • Well, it will be more than ‘Murder She Wrote‘ you have to worry about if you don’t get rid of all that shite
  • It’s not all mine
  • I don’t give a fuck who owns it, get rid of it, and in future when I say no parties, I mean…NO PARTIES
  • O.K O.K , jaysis
  • …and get rid of that bag of cans at the back of the garage as well
  • I told Koko to…
  • What?
  • Nothing. I’ll do it now

 

The sooner they all move out the better, I swear the older they get, the worse they get. At least when they were in nappies, you knew where they were and what they were up to…and you had less shite to clean up!

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A New Tears day

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

 

A

So, I’m back. It’s been a long time and a lot has happened since 2018, and  if New Years day was anything to go by, I’m in for a rough ride in 2019.  The year started  off in me mas…

I had the mother of all hangovers after the New Years Eve celebrations. We had a great night with all the gang, we drank and sang;we rang in the bells at twelve and it should have ended there, but I  couldn’t go home after the pub like a normal person could I? Oh no, Bernie had to go to a party afterwards, even though she knew she’d to look after her ma the next day.

I barely made it in her front door to the kitchen sink when she was shouting down the stairs…

  • Bernie. Is that you?
  • …
  • Bernie.
  • Yeah.
  • What are you doing down there?
  • Nothing, I’ll be up in a minute
  • Are you getting sick?
  • …
  • BERNIE
  • I’m coming. I’m coming.

How the hell did she hear me puking? She can hardly hear me talking when I’m standing right next to her. Well, so she claims anyway.

  • Hiya ma.
  • Holy mother of the divine lord, what’s wrong with you? You’re like death warmed up.
  • I think I got food poisoning ma.
  • You didn’t reheat that turkey again did you? What did I tell you about that?
  • What was left of my turkey went in the bin last week ma.
  • So what was it then?
  • Prawns, I think.
  • Why do you be eating that foreign muck? No wonder you’re sick.
  • Prawns aren’t foreign ma.
  • I never cooked a prawn in me life and I’ve never had food poisoning. You always have to be different, Bernie.
  • What’s so different from a DUBLIN BAY prawn?
  • It’s far from seafood you were reared. I don’t know where you got these notions from.
  • Look ma, I’m not feeling too good, so can you stop with the lecture please.
  • Did you vomit into my kitchen sink?
  • I’ll clean it up.
  • Jesus Mary and holy saint Joseph, Bernie. How old are you?If one of the kids did that you’d kill them.
  • I din’t do it on purpose ma.
  • You should have stayed at home if you’re sick.
  • I wish I could have ma but there was no one else to come to you today.
  • If Bernard was here, he’d have come.
  • Well, Saint Bernard sunning his arse beside a pool in Lanzarote, with a beer in his hand so I’m sorry, but you’re stuck with me. Now, I need a cup of tea, do you want one?
  • I’d better not, Bernie. I wouldn’t want to catch anything.
  • You can’t catch food poisoning ma.
  • Well, I’d better not all the same.
  • Right you are, ma. call me if you change your mind.

She did change her mind of course; She wouldn’t get out of the bed and she had me running up and down the stairs all day with snacks and drinks, with not a thought for me not being very well.

If she only knew I was sick from drink, I’d never hear the end of it.

Happy New Years my arse.

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Door knobs and Broomsticks

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 9 Comments

Jimmy hates Hallowe’en so I knew when we were invited to the party last Saturday he wouldn’t go. Ye can’t blame a girl for tryin’ but can ye?

witch

Are you dressin’ up for this party or wha’ Jimmy?

I am in me hole Bernie.

But it’s a fancy dress party Jimmy, you have to.

I said I’m not dressin’ up, end of story.

You’re such a dry shite sometimes Jimmy Violet.

What? ‘Cos I won’t put on a bleedin’ mask or wear a woman’s dress?

You don’t have to wear a mask, although it would be an improvement.

Very funny Bernie, you’re bleedin’ hilarious.

It’s only a bit of fun, why can’t ye dress up?

Dressin’ up is for kids

Well you’re a big kid at the best of times so what’s the big deal?

I said I’m not dressin’ up and makin’ a gobshite out of meself  Bernie, now leave it out will ye.

You’d make a great dracula Jimmy.

What makes you say that Bernie?

Because you’re such a pain in the bleedin’ neck.

I’ll just go to the pub then and you can  go to the party without me.

Stop bein’ such a bleedin’ spoon Jimmy,everyone will be asking where you are.

Just tell them I’m at the bar

But they’ll see you’re not at the bar

Tell them I’m dressed up as the Invisible Man then.

Even your brother is dressin’ up

Anto? Sure that fella is nuttier than a squirrels shite.

No. Ray I mean. He’s goin’ as an American football player.

Fair balls to him

Are you really not comin’?

No, but I’ll give you a lift as far as Julies. We can’t have you walkin’ down the road frightenin’ all the kids can we?

I’m not gettin’ dressed up until I get to Julies.

I know Bernie.

Fuck off Jimmy. I’ll make me own way.

Grand. I’ll just get your broomstick from under the stairs for ye.

You’re such a door knob Jimmy Violet.