Kimberly Mikado and Coconut Creams

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  • Put the kettle on Ber will ye
  • What’s up Lynn? You look worn out
  • I am worn out Bernie. I’ve been helping to look after Daves Ma since she got out of hospital
  • Ah how is she? I heard she had a bad fall
  • Who told you that?
  • Her friend May. I met her in Aldi last week. Said Vera broke her hip when she fell off a chair when she was cleaning the windows. ‘Wouldn’t ye think those lads of hers would clean her windows for her’ she said to me.
  • That fuckin’ aul one, I swear I’ll bleedin’ swing for her one of these days Bernie
  • Who May? Ah she’s a lovely aul skin
  • No, Daves ma. Broken hip my arse.
  • Ah but Lynn, she’s nearly eighty. She shouldn’t be climbing on chairs at her age, especially to clean windows
  • She never cleans her windows. Dave does them for her every Saturday. Her windows are bleedin’ cleaner than mine…and the only reason she was on a chair was to get her kimberly biscuits that she hides at the back of the cupboard with the mikado and coconut creams so no one else can eat them on her
  • ‘Someone you love would love some mum’..remember the ad Lynn?
  • She won’t eat anything else, she  only loves herself. Everyone else has to make do with custard creams. Just as well I’m fond of a custard cream Bernie
  • A broken hip but Lynn, that’s bad
  • Broken hip me arse Bernie. She has a few bruised ribs. She wouldn’t even have been in the hospital only Dave happened to call in when she was getting down off the chair with the biscuits under her arm. The shock of being caught made her trip over. She made such a palaver, he rang an ambulance for her. They only kept her in overnight because she was moaning so much about the pain. It didn’t stop her eating her biscuits though and sending for cups of tea every half hour. Dave had to sit with her in A and E for twelve hours .
  • So if she’s not that bad, why are you all looking after her then?
  • Because she’s a bleedin’ drama queen and loving all the attention. She’s insisting on someone staying with her every night in case she ‘falls’ again and she has us run ragged doing her housework and shopping for her. I told Dave she’s putting it on but he won’t hear a bad word said about her.
  • Well let him look after her then, she’s his mother, not yours
  • Well he has to work and so does Terry and John and their wives won’t go near the aul battleaxe.
  • What about his sisters?
  • Mary lives in Mayo. She keeps saying she’ll be up, but there’s no sign of her yet. Sandra lives in Monkstown and said there’s no way she can stay over and leave her kids at night. They’re  eighteen and twenty one for fuck sake, older than my Leanne and Spohie.
  • Shows how much they think of their mother then Lynn if they won’t come up and take care of her.
  • They know what she’s like Bernie. There’s nothing bleedin’ wrong with her. Sandra told me herself, her mas a hypochondriac and a guilt tripper
  • That’s a shocking thing to say about your ma
  • Well not if Vera was your ma. Sandra is right. She just loves people running around after her
  • So who’s with her now then?
  • I’m supposed to be but I told her I was nipping out to the shop to buy a packet of biscuits for the tea. I left her stretched out like mother of sorrows watching Loose Women
  • Loose women finished half an hour ago Lynn
  • I know. I went home to make me beds before I came here
  • Where’s the biscuits then?
  • In me bag
  • kimberly?
  • No
  • Mikado?
  • No
  • Coconut creams?
  • No. Custard creams
  • But I thought…
  • She hates custard creams
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • Thanks Ber.

 

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Annoying Anto

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Jimmy’s brother Anto can be a pain in the arse. I think he only calls over to my house to annoy me. His missus doesn’t let him watch telly or eat junk food. They don’t even own a telly. Imagine not owning a telly in this day and age. Geraldine is a very new age hippy type,into feng shui and auras and the like.She’s not a bit like his ex Breda. She didn’t give a shite what he did. Geraldine makes sure he does what he’s told at home.   He called over the other night…

  • Is Jimmy home?
  • No, he’s working late
  • What time will he be home?
  • I don’t know. I’ll tell him you called
  • I’ll wait for him
  • He could be hours
  • I don’t mind
  • Suit yourself
  • What are you watching?
  • Coronation Street
  • You still watch that shite?
  • I like it
  • Is Bet Lynch still in it?
  • How do you know Bet Lynch?
  • I remember her from watching it in me Mas
  • I thought you said it was shite
  • It is, but I had to watch it because me ma watched it. I’d no choice
  • Well same here Anto
  • What about Vera?
  • Vera who?
  • Jack’s wife who worked in the factory
  • Oh you mean Duckworth?
  • Yeah that’s her
  • She died
  • Really? How did Jack take it?
  • He died too
  • Aww, that’s terrible. I liked them
  • I thought you didn’t like it
  • Well I liked them, and Hilda Ogden
  • She left years ago
  • Yeah, me ma told me her husband died
  • He did yeah
  • Jasus, they’re dropping like flies in that programme
  • That’s soaps for ye Anto
  • Thank God for Deirdre Barlow what
  • She’s dead
  • Are you serious? Ken looks so happy there.
  • He doesn’t know yet
  • Why not?
  • Because this was filmed weeks ago. She was still alive then
  • I don’t get you
  • She died in real life Anthony, but she’s still alive in the programme
  • So where is she?
  • She’s away visiting her auntie
  • Blanche must be in bits
  • What?
  • Her ma, Blanche, they were very close
  • Blanche died two years ago Anto
  • Ah no way. Fuck off…not Blanche. She was gas
  • Not anymore, her dog is still alive though
  • It’s a dog’s life so
  • It is. I’ve missed half me programme now with you going on about dead people
  • The ads are on already?
  • Do you want to head off? I’ll tell Jimmy to call you
  • Ah no, I’m grand here. Sure I may as well wait for the second half
  • If you must
  • Are you making a cup of tea Bernie
  • I suppose so
  • Have you any biscuits?
  • I thought you weren’t allowed eat biscuits?
  • What Geraldine doesn’t know won’t hurt her
  • She must never get hurt so
  • What?
  • Nothing
  • Have you any custard creams?
  • No, just fig rolls
  • Aw, I fancied a custard cream but they’ll do I suppose
  • I’m sorry for you
  • Hurry up Bernie, the ads are over. You’re missing it

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Fuck off Anto!