Weight not want not #AprilAtoZChallenge

W

  • Where are you off to today Bernie?
  • Shopping with Julie
  • Again?I predict the smell the credit card melting
  • I’m not buying anything; we’re just looking
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m buying nothing until I lose weight
  • You must have lost some weight by now.
  • Don’t start with me Jimmy
  • You’re the one eating sneaky rasher sambos and big Macs
  • ONE rasher sandwich, and ONE big Mac, Jesus make me feel guilty why don’t you
  • You’re the one complaining about not losing weight, and I’m sick of this diet. How long are you…sorry WE on it
  • Too bleedin’ long, and anyway, don’t be getting all judgemental with me, I know you’ve been down eating dinners in your mas, then coming back here for your salad
  • A man can’t survive on lettuce alone
  • Well I’m expected to
  • Well you’re obviously wasting your time
  • Thanks very much for the vote of confidence
  • Anyway, you don’t need to lose weight
  • Nothing fits me Jimmy. I feel huge
  • You’re not huge
  • All of my clothes are tight on me
  • So buy bigger clothes…or stop with the sneaky rasher sambos
  • Are you looking for a slap in the head?
  • What?
  • I don’t want to buy bigger clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have
  • They look fine on you
  • They do not! They make me look like an elephant…and if you mention that rasher sandwich again I swear I’ll swing for you
  • It’s all in your mind Bernie, you look the same as you always do
  • So you’re saying I always look fat?
  • You don’t look fat
  • You see me everyday, so you don’t notice
  • I notice that you’re grand just the way you are

I don’t know whether to hit him or hug him!

😡😡😡

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Itsy Bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini #AtoZchallenge

I

I went shopping today with Julie to take my mind off the diet but easier said than done…

  • So what are you buying today Ber?
  • I need a new swimsuit
  • Lets go over to Penneys so. Their bikinis are only a fiver. We can get one in every colour
  • I won’t be wearing a bikini this year Julie
  • Why not?
  • I’d clear the beach in five seconds flat if I wore one of them
  • Don’t exaggerate Bernie
  • I’m not exaggerating, anyway, I think I’m too old now for bikinis. I might look in Arnotts for a one piece
  • A one piece? You? Who are you? Your ma?
  • We’re not teenagers anymore Julie. We need to start covering up
  • Oh my god;you are your ma
  • Ask me hoop Julie
  • Come on…Arnotts it is so…
  • We’re only looking anyway
  • Look at this one Bernie. It’s like the ones we had when we went to Lloret de Maryellow bikini
  • That was 1980, and if I remember, ours didn’t cover as much as that Julie
  • Me da, lord rest him nearly had a conniption when he saw it going into me suitcase. ‘You’ll be arrested going out in that’ says he
  • We’d be arrested if we went out in that now Julie…and not for the same reasons.
  • Dental floss, he called it, but we thought were only gorgeous
  • We were gorgeous Julie. We hadn’t a pick on us back then
  • We’re not so bad now Bernie, towards some of the eyebecks we’ve seen on the beach
  • I suppose you’re right Julie, anyway, a few more weeks of starvation and we’ll fit into that no problem
  • That’s the spirit Bernie. Do you want to go in and try it on?
  • Let’s wait a while Julie, I’ve along way to go yet

 

At least I have something to motivate me now  😉

 

 

Thirsty work

shopping bags

  • I’m off shopping with Julie
  •   Ah good luck
  • Why would I need luck?
  • Shopping with her,sure she’s worse than you
  • We like shopping; what’s wrong with that?
  • Whatever  floats your boat Bernie.
  • Shopping floats my boat so deal with it
  • I suppose you’ll only be an hour
  • I’ll be as long as it takes
  • Be as long as you like
  • I will
  • I’ll see you at dinner time so
  • You might; you might not
  • So it’s the chipper for me I suppose
  • Whatever you fancy Jimmy
  • I fancy steak and chips but it doesn’t look like I’ll be getting it here
  • I’m sure your ma would be delighted to oblige
  • No bother to my ma
  • There you go then, sorted
  • I might pop up for a pint after me dinner, so make sure you have your key
  • I might go for dinner with Julie, seeing as your ma is making yours. No need to rush home
  • Since when did you ever rush home from shopping?
  • Well, you have a puss on if your dinner is not on the table by six
  • I’m a working man Bernie. It’s not much to ask me dinner ready when I come home after a hard days graft
  • No one ever gets my dinner ready
  • I do sometimes
  • Ye do not
  • I fucking do
  • What, once in a blue moon when you go the chipper for a one and one
  • It’s dinner isn’t it
  • Ye right
  • You’re never happy
  • I might go to the pub meself on the way home
  • Plenty of room for ye Bernie
  • It’s thirsty work all this shopping
  • Tell me about it

Men!

Shopping

waiting for wife

Jimmy had a day off work yesterday. I was just heading off to town to look for an outfit for Julies daughter’s wedding when he follows me out to the car. ‘I’ll come  with you Bernie’ he said. I hate when he comes shopping with me. He spends the whole time moaning and giving out about the length of time I spend in the shops. ‘Are you sure Jimmy?’ I said. ‘Would you not prefer to do a bit of gardening or relax in front of the telly? I’ll only be an hour?’ ‘Ah no, I’ll come with you love’ says he. ‘It’ll be nice’ There was no getting away from him. ‘Come on then’ I said. ‘But you better not start annoying me to hurry up’. ‘Sure you’ll only be an hour’ he said.

Well, when we got home that afternoon he was in a right mood.

  • Never ask me to go shopping with you again
  • I didn’t ask you. You just came
  • Well, I thought you were only going to be an hour
  • Don’t be stupid Jimmy
  • What do you mean?
  • When was I only ever an hour out shopping?
  • But you said you’d only be an hour
  • I always say that
  • I know, but you never are
  • We weren’t that long
  • Four hours Bernie…four bleedin’ hours
  • Well you should have stayed home then
  • I should have. I’ve a pain in me hole looking at shops
  • You knew I was looking for an outfit for the wedding
  • But you got nothing, after four hours…NOTHING
  • I didn’t see anything I liked, and you were no help, standing there with a bleedin’ face on you every time I tried a dress on
  • I told you the blue one was alright
  • Alright? Alright? I can’t go to my best friends daughters wedding in a dress that’s just ‘alright’
  • Sure who’ll be looking at you?
  • Thanks a lot
  • Well everyone will be looking at the bride
  • I’ll just wear me apron and slippers then will I Jimmy?
  • Wear what you like Bernie, sure you’ve loads of dresses up in the wardrobe that you never wear
  • It’s a bleedin’ wedding Jimmy. I have to get something new
  • That’s ridiculous. I’m not getting a new suit
  • Just because you’re happy wearing the same suit to every wedding and party we go to, doesn’t mean I have to.
  • There’s nothing wrong with my suit, there’s plenty more years left in it yet
  • Whatever you say Jimmy, you wear what you like
  • I will. I don’t need to traipse around town either
  • It’s different for men. You don’t give a shite what you wear
  • I care. That suit’s a classic, it will never go out of fashion
  • Just as well, you’re certainly getting your moneys worth out of it anyway
  • Too right I’m getting me moneys worth.I bought that in Burton’s, it wasn’t cheap you know.
  • I know, you tell me that every time you wear it Jimmy.
  • Anyway, I’m finished with shopping after today
  • You didn’t do any shopping, all you did was give out
  • Well, you try standing outside Penney’s for forty five minutes. You said you were just going in to buy a pair of knickers
  • You could have come in with me
  • I could not. I’d look like a right spanner following you around the underwear department
  • Well, you could have bought a newspaper and waited for me in the coffee shop
  • I could have printed the feckin’ newspaper and ground the coffee beans, the length of time you were in there Bernie
  • Stop exaggerating Jimmy. I wasn’t that long
  • You were so. The security guard was giving me funny looks I was so long standing there.
  • You’re imagining things. I’m sure the security guard is well used to men waiting for their wives outside
  • Well, I won’t be doing it again in a hurry; I felt like a right tool
  • I’m better off without you anyway…whinging and moaning every time I go into a shop
  • I don’t mind you going in Bernie, it’s when you forget to come back out that pisses me off
  • It takes time to browse. I don’t want to miss any bargains
  • But you didn’t even buy anything
  • I didn’t see anything I liked
  • Four feckin’ hours traipsing around town and you saw nothing you liked?
  • I’ll have to go back tomorrow
  • Tomorrow? Again? Are you off your trolly? What makes you think you’ll see anything you like tomorrow if you couldn’t see anything today?
  • Well, I can browse in peace, spend more time without worrying about you moaning outside
  • Spend more than four hours?Well, you’re on your own.
  • Thank God
  • Don’t ask me to come with you
  • Don’t worry, I won’t. Anyway, you’re in work tomorrow
  • Thanks be to Jaysis

He is NEVER coming shopping with me again!

Unemployed

U

Jimmy was out of work for six months. He nearly drove me fucking mad. He was everywhere. I got up in the morning and he was waiting for his breakfast. I came back from the shops he was sitting there watching Jeremy Kyle. I was cooking the dinner and he was hanging over me. Every time I walked into the kitchen he presumed I was making a cup of tea. If he hadn’t got a job when he did, I think I would have been done for murder. I came in from shopping one day…

  • Where were you?
  • I told you I was going to the shops
  • Did you?
  • Yeah,
  • I didn’t hear you
  • Jeremy Kyle obviously had more important things to say
  • No need for that Bernie
  • I don’t know how you watch that shite
  • It’s not shite; it’s real life
  • Real life me hole, they’re all skangers and bums on the dole looking for easy money while they make a show of themselves
  • I’m on the dole Bernie
  • I know you are but you’re not on Jeremy Kyle
  • Maybe I will some day
  • Well keep me out of it
  • I could tell him how me wife gives me an awful life
  • You could tell him how your wife ran off to the Bahamas because you were an annoying me
  • How do I annoy you?
  • Sitting on your hole all day watching telly, waiting for me to cook for you
  • I can’t help losing me job
  • Well you could do something other than watch telly
  • I go out sometimes
  • Yeah to the pub with Ray and Anto
  • What do you want me to do?
  • You could cut the grass
  • It’s raining out
  • It doesn’t rain everyday
  • Mostly it does though
  • You could paint that back bedroom
  • No one sleeps there anymore, it’s grand
  • I’d like it nice for when the kids come home or when we have visitors
  • We never have visitors, and when the kids come home they’re barely here
  • That’s not the point Jimmy
  • What’s the point then Bernie
  • The point is I want you to get up off your arse and do a few things around the house
  • I hovered the stairs for you
  • Once – a month ago
  • Well, I still did it
  • You could help me more
  • I will Bernie
  • I’ll believe it when I see it Jimmy
  • Come on, I’ll help you unpack the shopping
  • Thanks
  • Would you like a cup of tea love?
  • That would be lovely
  • Grand, make one for me too will ye
  • Fuck off
  • I’m only winding you up Ber
  • It’s what you do best Jimmy
  • You’ll miss me when I go back to work

Believe it or not… actually did!