X Ray #AtoZChallenge

x 2017

  • The doctor rang with your X  Ray results ma
  • With what?
  • YOUR  X RAY RESULTS FROM THE HOSPITAL MA. REMEMBER I BROUGHT YOU TO THE HOSPITAL FOR YOUR XRAY?
  • Oh jesus, wait until I sit down Bernie, me nerves are gone
  • Do you want the good news or the bad news?
  • Bad news? oh Jesus, Mary and holy saint Joseph … bad news?I told you I was dying. None of you would listen to me.
  • Well will you listen to me for a minute ma. You’re not dying, you’re getting a new knee
  • A noonie? What’s a noonie?
  • YOUR NEW KNEE MA. YOU’RE GETTING A NEW KNEE
  • Are you serious Bernie?
  • Yeah, he said  your xray showed how much your knee had deteriorated and you need to have the op asap
  • Sure didn’t I tell him that meself. I didn’t need an xray to tell me how bad I was
  • Well, you’ll be getting it very soon ma
  • Oh I don’t know Bernie
  • What don’t you know?
  • About the new knee
  • Jaysis ma, all you ever talk about is your gammy knee and how long you’ve been waiting for a new one, and now you’re saying you don’t want it?
  • I’m just nervous Bernie
  • Nothing to be nervous about at all.You’ll be flying around the place afterwards
  • Will I but Bernie?
  • You sound as if you’re disappointed ma
  • No I’m not
  • Well you don’t sound too happy?
  • Would you be happy having a foreign body put inside you?
  • Leave it out ma will you. It’s a common operation. Millions of people get it done every year. It’ll give you a whole new lease of life
  • So what’s the good news then?
  • That was the good news ma
  • So what’s the bad news?
  • There is no bad news ma, I was only messin’
  • You can be a bitch sometimes Bernie
  • Well, I didn’t lick it off a stone
  • What did you say?
  • I SAID I THINK I HEAR THE PHONE. I’LL JUST GO ANSWER IT
  • The phone is in your hand Bernie
  • Oh… so it is

Ripped #AtoZChallenge

R 2017

 

Whitney dropped in to visit me ma. I should have known she’d be spilling the beans on me when I was young. She has a memory like an elephant that aul one I swear to God…

  • Howya nanny
  • I’m grand love. How are you?
  • I’m alright
  • Come over to me so I can see you
  • Is this close enough nanny?
  • What happened to your trousers Whitney?
  • What do you mean?
  • Is that a hole in the knee?
  • Yeah it is nanny
  • Pass me my sewing basket and I’ll sew them up for you
  • No, it’s grand nanny
  • Does your mother not have a sewing kit?
  • Yeah she does but I don’t want them sewn, it’s the fashion
  • They’re ripped to pieces. Are you sure you didn’t have a fall?
  • No nanny, I bought them like this
  • What on earth possessed you to buy ripped jeans?
  • I told you. It’s the fashion
  • What sort of fashion is that in the name of God?
  • Ripped jeans fashion I suppose
  • Are your knees not freezing?
  • No, I’m grand nanny
  • Does your ma let you out like this?
  • Yeah
  • I don’t know why I’m surprised. She was as bad as you back in her day
  • Was she nanny?
  • I remember giving her the money for a new pair of jeans for the disco and what did she do? She took me good kitchen scissors to them. Ripped them to shreds she did
  • Did she nanny? Ah that’s gas
  • Indeed it was not gas at the time. Your granddad was going to kill her ‘Spending my hard earned  money on clothes for her to cut them to bits’ he said
  • What did he do?
  • He threw them in the bin and refused to buy her another stitch
  • I bet me ma went mad did she?
  • The little rip, took them out of the bin when he was gone to work. She was as brazen as hell that one. She thought I didn’t know but I saw her up town wearing them with her belly top and black leather jacket
  • My ma the rebel, ah wait til I see her
  • She was a rebel. She got herself a part time job after that so she’d have her own money. Spent it all on clothes she did
  • And she went mad at me when I bought these jeans
  • Don’t mind her, she’s probably jealous she can’t wear the like of that any more at her age
  • I don’t know nanny, me ma often borrows my stuff
  • That Bernie one, will she ever grow up?

 

Never  :p

ripped-jeans

I will survive #AtoZChallenge

Me sister Phillo is with me ma today so I dropped round to Julie for a chat.

I 2017

  • Put the kettle on Julie will ye, me head is banging
  • What’s up with you?
  • Me ma, that’s what’s up
  • What did she do now
  • Apart from breath you mean?
  • Ah Bernie, she’s not that bad
  • Not that bad? Not that bleeding bad. She’s doing my head in Julie
  • Tell me
  • No matter what I do for her she just moans constantly
  • Ah she’s not well Bernie
  • Tell me about it. If it’s not her arse it’s her elbow. She’s healthier than the lot of us put together, well apart from her gammy knee that is
  • Did she get her results from the hospital?
  • Yeah, they were all clear
  • Ah that’s great
  • Yes it is great, but me ma is still not happy
  • Why not, she must have been relieved
  • You’d think so wouldn’t you? But no, not Maisie
  • What did she say?
  • She said they’re all a bunch of quacks and don’t know what they’re talking about
  • She’s just worried that there’s something else wrong with her
  • I know what’s wrong with her
  • What?
  • She’s a bleedin’ hypochondriac that’s what
  • It’s just her age Bern and she’s worried about getting old
  • I wish it was only her age she was moaning about Julie but she thinks she has every illness under the sun
  • Ah bless her
  • I’ll bless her alright
  • She doesn’t mean it
  • I know. Don’t mind me Jules I’m just worn out running after her.
  • What about the rest of the family?
  • Ah they’re great. We take turns dropping in to do a bit of shopping and cooking for her but she still moans that she sees nobody
  • You’re lucky to have her Bernie
  • I know. I’m the fucking moan now amn’t I Julie?
  • No, you’re just tired hon. You’ll be grand
  •  As the song goes… ‘I will survive’ Julie
  • Of course you’ll survive Bern. No better woman
  • Thank God it’s Phillo’s turn today but
  • Who’s with her tomorrow?
  • Jimmy
  • Haha, are you serious?
  • Yeah, he has a day off and I’ve an appointment so he said he’ll drop in for a few hours to keep her company
  • Poor Maisie
  • Poor fucking Jimmy you mean 🙄

Gay as Christmas #AtoZChallenge

 

G2017

  • Heya ma, what do you want in the shops?
  • Nothing
  • What do you mean nothing? I told you I’d go shopping when I got back from my gaff
  • Well you’re too late
  • Why am I too late? Jaysis I was only gone two hours
  • The gays went for me
  • Who?
  • The gays
  • Who are the gays?
  • The two new chaps from across the road
  • Ma, stop will ye. you can’t call people ‘the gays’
  • Why not?
  • You just can’t
  • But they are gay
  • How do you know?
  • I asked them
  • You can’t ask people if they’re gay
  • Why not?
  • You just can’t. It’s not pc
  • PC my arse. If you’re gay, you’re gay. What’s the problem?
  • Were they not raging with you?
  • Why?
  • For asking them if they were gay
  • No. They’re lovely
  • Are they?
  • Yeah. I love the gays I do. they’re so flamboyant
  • Ma… stop it
  • What?
  • You can’t be saying you love the gays
  • Why not?
  • You just can’t
  • Ah lighten up Bernie will ye. You’re such a hetro
  • Ma!!
  • What?
  • Nothing. D’ye want a cup of tea?

 

Jaysis