Itsy Bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini #AtoZchallenge

I

I went shopping today with Julie to take my mind off the diet but easier said than done…

  • So what are you buying today Ber?
  • I need a new swimsuit
  • Lets go over to Penneys so. Their bikinis are only a fiver. We can get one in every colour
  • I won’t be wearing a bikini this year Julie
  • Why not?
  • I’d clear the beach in five seconds flat if I wore one of them
  • Don’t exaggerate Bernie
  • I’m not exaggerating, anyway, I think I’m too old now for bikinis. I might look in Arnotts for a one piece
  • A one piece? You? Who are you? Your ma?
  • We’re not teenagers anymore Julie. We need to start covering up
  • Oh my god;you are your ma
  • Ask me hoop Julie
  • Come on…Arnotts it is so…
  • We’re only looking anyway
  • Look at this one Bernie. It’s like the ones we had when we went to Lloret de Maryellow bikini
  • That was 1980, and if I remember, ours didn’t cover as much as that Julie
  • Me da, lord rest him nearly had a conniption when he saw it going into me suitcase. ‘You’ll be arrested going out in that’ says he
  • We’d be arrested if we went out in that now Julie…and not for the same reasons.
  • Dental floss, he called it, but we thought were only gorgeous
  • We were gorgeous Julie. We hadn’t a pick on us back then
  • We’re not so bad now Bernie, towards some of the eyebecks we’ve seen on the beach
  • I suppose you’re right Julie, anyway, a few more weeks of starvation and we’ll fit into that no problem
  • That’s the spirit Bernie. Do you want to go in and try it on?
  • Let’s wait a while Julie, I’ve along way to go yet

 

At least I have something to motivate me now  😉

 

 

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Diet

D 2018

  • So how’s the diet coming along?
  • It’s not
  • That bad eh?
  • Worse
  • How come?
  • I can’t stop eating
  • Well it wasn’t a great idea to start a diet on Easter Sunday
  • No it wasn’t
  • It was a stupid idea
  • Thanks Julie
  • You’re welcome Bernie …chocolate cake with your coffee?
  • Just a small piece, I’m on a…
  • …diet, yeah…me too

 

We’re hopeless

Camel Toe

 

camelI had a few scoops with Julie last night. I haven’t seen her since before I went on me alcoholliers so we were due a catch up.

  • See they’re selling knickers with built in camel toe now Ber
  • Feck off Julie
  • I swear to God Bernie
  • Who in their right mind would want to be flashing their fanny to all and sundry?
  • Loads of people. They’re all the rage now I believe
  • That’s just wrong, and disgusting too
  • Well disgusting or not, they’re selling like hot cakes
  • Young ones these days would wear anything
  • Not like us you mean?
  • I never had a camel toe in me life
  • You wore pussy bows though Bern
  • Pussy bows were on me blouse, not me fanny
  • ..and ra ra skirts
  • Don’t remind me
  • ..and gold leggings
  • Jaysis
  • How did you get away with wearing them and not have a camel toe Bernie?
  • Two pairs of knickers with double gusset
  • Sexy bitch
  • Bet into them I was. Remember lying on the bed to pull the zip up with a hanger and not being able to get up without being pulled up
  • Same here, and you were afraid to go to the jax when you were out in case you couldn’t get them back up
  • The things we did to be fashionable what?
  • Camel toe but? We’d never go that far Bernie
  • I remember wearing leg warmers, and I wasn’t even going to the gym
  • …and fingerless gloves
  • …Madonna bands
  • …Bet Lynch earrings,they were like bleedin’ chandeliers
  • We thought we were only massive
  • We thought we were Bananarama
  • *Nathan Jones you’ve been gone too long* I still remember the dance moves
  • *Venus* I remember me ma nearly had a conniption cos I ripped me new jeans with her kitchen scissors so I’d be like Karen Woodward
  • They’re selling them already ripped now, imagine?
  • I know. Me ma couldn’t believe it when she saw our Whitney wearing them. ‘Has your mother not got a needle and thread to sew them up for ye love’ she said to her
  • I hope she doesn’t go buying them camel toe knickers
  • That’d be going a step too far. I don’t think she’s that stupid
  • Maisie said the same about your ripped jeans Bernie
  • She did too Julie. Oh to be young and foolish again
  • Just young would do me Ber
  • …and not just foolish
  • I’ll drink to that
  • I’ll drink to anything…cheers

Pile of shite

 

dog shit

  • Sorry I’m late Jules. I walked in dog shite and had to go change my boots
  • Ah that’s disgusting Bernie. Where was it?
  • Right outside my front gate that’s where. I swear to god I’m sick of them
  • You never liked dogs Bernie
  • I’m not talking about the dog, yeah I’m not fond of them but it’s their owners I’m sick of, letting them shite wherever they like and not bothering their arse cleaning up after them
  • Pooper scoopers should be compulsory
  • Giving the dog owners a kick in the hole should be compulsory Julie
  • ‘Here you… pick up your dogs shite’ I roared out the window after one fella last week, and the fucker just gave me the finger
  • I’d have run after him with it if it was me Ber
  • Well I would have but I was only out of the shower. I only had a towel wrapped around me. I’ve been watching out for him ever since. There hasn’t been a sign of him or his dog  until today
  • Did you run after him today?
  • No, I  missed him, but I didn’t miss the dog shite. I stepped right into it in me new boots
  • Dirty bastard. You’ll have to catch him Ber
  • God help him when I do Jules, I swear I’ll shove it in his face
  • Who even lets their dog do that?
  • Dirty ignorant fuckers that’s who.Probably doesn’t wipe his own arse either
  • Gross Bernie
  • Tell me about it. I had to clean it up what was left of it, most of it was on the bottom of my good boots.
  • That’s shite Bernie
  • It is Julie. Pure shite.
  • So you won’t be ordering the chocolate cake today then Ber?
  • I think I’ll pass on that one Jules

😦

Zoom

Z (1).jpg

  • Buckle up Bernie, I can’t believe we’re off to Benidorm
  • I know Julie, when you think of where we should be
  • I wonder how Ger’s gettin’ on?
  • Like I’m bothered, I’m just relieved I’m off the hook
  • Ah, Ger’s not de worst Ber. She’s ok
  • Yeah, in small doses, but for an entire weekend, sharin’ de same room? No thanks
  • Ah she’s delighted to have de two girls with her all de same and she couldn’t sing your praises enough for giving Willow your place
  • If only she knew
  • You’ll burn in hell Bernie Rose
  • Says you! You were only goin’ in de first place because Anto was payin’
  • So were you
  • Is Anto still goin’ to the Euros with Jimmy and Ray?
  • Well his ticket is booked, but Ger doesn’t know yet
  • He’s some gobshite, booking a Spa break for her so she wouldn’t be at home alone when he’s in France
  • …and so she’d let him actually go to France
  • …then he books de Spa for May and the Euros don’t start until June
  • He’s a fuckin’ eejit alright, why de hell did he do that?
  • He said he put de wrong dates in when he was bookin’ online and when he tried to change it they were booked out  until September and they wouldn’t give him a refund
  • So now he’s de one home alone
  • He’ll love that. Sure he’ll probably spend his time over eatin’ dirty big fry ups in his mas and den down de pub with Ray and Jimmy
  • He’ll have a ball…a weekend without bean sprouts and nut roasts
  • ..and Lily will be delighted to have her boys all to herself
  • A great weekend will be had by all
  • Good luck to dem
  • Oh look, the seatbelt sign is on Ber, we’re away..woohoo
  • Don’t talk to me ’til we’re up Julie, me nerves are gone. You know I hate takin’ off
  • Here we go, zoom baby.I wonder what speed he’s doin’?
  • Stoppit Julie
  • Ah we’ll be up in no time and sure you’ll be grand after a few scoops
  • Are we up yet?
  • Yes, you can open your eyes now Ber
  • Grand, now, any sign of dat drinks trolly?

plane in air

Spa

 

S (1)

  • You know the spa weekend Ber?
  • What about it?
  • Something’s come up
  • What do you mean Jules?
  • I can’t go
  • Ah feck off. I was  startin’ to look forward to it
  • You can still go
  • What? With Ger? No way
  • Why not? It’s all paid for
  • I don’t give a shite Julie
  • I only agreed to go because you begged me and now you’re not going
  • I can’t help it Ber
  • Well neither can I. You can tell Ger it’s off
  • But I promised Anto
  • Well unpromise him then
  • I’d feel bad. He paid for the whole weekend
  • More fool him then
  • Ah go on Bernie. You’ll have a great time
  • What? With Soya bean Geraldine
  • She’s not that bad?
  • She’ll have me eating gogi berries and hummous and chanting for the bleedin’ weekend
  • You like hummous
  • Yeah with a box of pringles and a bottle of wine of a Friday night, not with bleedin’ chick peas and Greek yoghurt for me breakfast, dinner and tea
  • Sounds nice
  • Fuck off Julie. You’re gettin’ on me nerves now
  • O.k o.k. I’ll tell her you’re not goin’ then
  • Why can’t you go inannyway?
  • Me ma’s not well. I said I’d go and stay with her for that weekend because Pauline has to go to a wedding in Cork
  • Ah stop, I feel bad now.
  • Ah she’ll be grand. Ye know me ma. Tough as shit
  • Talk about making me feel guilty…I’ll go with Ger then.
  • Thanks Ber
  • Tell your ma I was askin’ for her
  • I will Ber
  • I’ll light a candle for her
  • She said she’d light one for you; said you’ll need it spending the weekend with Geraldine
  • Fuck off Julie

Gettaway

G (1)

 

  • Have you any plans for May Bernie?
  • May who?
  • The month of May ye dope
  • I don’t know what I’m doin’ tomorrow Julie, never mind May
  • So you’ve no holliers booked?
  • No, why?
  • Well ye have now girl
  • What?
  • You’re coming for a spa weekend
  • Since when?
  • Since we need a little gettaway
  • We do Jules. We really do. De kids are gettin’ on me nerves
  • Ders a catch tho’ Ber
  • What kind of a catch?
  • Ger’s comin’ with us
  • Ger ? Anto’s Ger?
  • The very one
  • Ah no, fuck off Julie. I’m not spendin’ the weekend with that hippy dippy yoke
  • She’s not that bad Bernie
  • Why would ye want to spend the weekend with veggie vagina anyway?
  • Ah stoppit, you’re  awful Bernie
  • She’s a pain in de hole Jules
  • It’s for Anto
  • What d’ye mean?
  • He wants to go to Paris for the Euros with Ray and Jimmy
  • What’s that got to do with us?
  • He doesn’t want to leave Ger home alone
  • What is she Macaulay Culkin all of a sudden?
  • Don’t be mean Bernie
  • Can she not go with her sister, or her Pilates pals?
  • He’s booking it as a surprise for her. He wants us to get to know her better
  • I know her enough already
  • Ah come on Ber. We’ll have de craic
  • But I was going to book a few days in Benidorm while they were away Julie
  • But you said you’d nothing planned
  • I forgot about the football didn’t I
  • Anto said he’ll pay for us for the weekend at a luxury spa if we bring Ger with us
  • Did he now?
  • He did
  • Well, that’s a whole different story then. Fuck it, if Antos paying, sure we may as well
  • What about Benidorm?
  • Sure we can go there when we’re bodytastic after our Spa weekend
  • Good thinking ninety nine
  • I’m not just a pretty face Julie
  • D’ye think Ger might come to Benidorm with us
  • Don’t push it Julie…don’t bleedin’ push it