Trick or Treat #AtozChallenge

T

I hate Hallowe’en. Kids these days are very cheeky. I had this one youngfella at me door  with his mates last year giving me lip…

  • Trick or treat, trick or treat give us something good to eat
  • What do you call good now lads?
  • Mars bars, maltesers, Yorkie bars
  • I have apples, oranges and bananas … take your pick
  • Ah missus, we don’t accept fruit
  • Why not? It’s good for you
  • Fruit is for lunches.
  • Well you can keep it for your lunch tomorrow.
  • We’re on midterm.
  • So, do you not have lunch at home then?
  • Stop messing missus,  we know you have goodies.
  • Do I now?
  • Yeah, you do this every year, come on, we have other gaffs to call to.
  • Oh well, don’t let me delay you any further… here you go.
  • Jive bars?
  • What’s wrong with Jive bars?
  • They’re from Aldi
  • So?
  • My ma shops in Tescos, we don’t like stuff from Aldi or Lidls
  • Well feck off home to your ma then and get some bars from her
  • Have you nothing else?
  • Yeah…loads, but you won’t be getting it you ungrateful little brats
  • Ah missus!
  • No, feck off now. Anyway, you don’t even live on this estate.
  • So what?
  • So feck off
  • Ah give us the jive bars so.
  • No I will not, now get lost I have other callers to see to.
  • Well then, we have to play a trick on you.
  • How come?
  • It’s called Trick OR treat. We got no treats so we’ve to play a trick
  • Go on then
  • We’ll be back
  • Who are you…Arnold Schwarzenegger?
  • No, Batman
  • Well feck off to your Bat cave son.

Litle fecker came back and threw an egg at me front door!

Some days!. #AtoZchallenge

S

Some days you just have to try to keep your mouth shut, especially with Maisie

  • Have you seen my mobile phone Bernie?
  • No ma.
  • I can never find the bloody thing.
  • You should keep in in your pocket ma.It’s called a mobile for a reason you know. It’s so you can bring it with you wherever you go.
  • Sure nobody ever rings me anyway.
  • Why do you have one then?
  • You never know.
  • Why don’t you just get rid of it?
  • Why should I?
  • It’s just another unnecessary bill ma.
  • Well you’re not paying for it are you?
  • But you never use it.
  • It’s handy for emergencies.
  • Like what?
  • Like when I’m out and I need to contact someone.
  • When do you go out anymore these days?
  • I was out last week.
  • Where?
  • At the hospital
  • You left your phone at home.
  • I knew you had yours with you.
  • So why bother having one then?
  • I don’t need to explain myself to you or anyone.
  • I’m just saying, it’s a waste of money.
  • My money, so mind your own business Bernie.
  • Right I will. I’m off out to the shops.
  • How long will you be?
  • I don’t know.
  • What if I need you.
  • Ring me on your mobile.
  • Go on, I wont need you. I’ll be grand.
  • Grand so.
  • Grand.
  • See you later ma.
  • I’ll keep me phone beside me.
  • I thought you couldn’t find it.
  • It was in me pocket.
  • Grand.
  • So, if you want to ring me…
  • I have your number.
  • …and I have yours Bernie
  • I’m sure you have ma. I’ll ring you  from the shops, in case you think of anything you want.
  • Thanks Bernie.
  • See you later ma.
  • Oh Bernie.
  • What?
  • Will you top up me  phone credit while you’re there.

 

That woman!!

Resemble that remark ;) #AtoZchallenge

R

  • Life is too beautiful to drink alcohol or do drugs.
  • Are you giving up the booze Bernie?
  • No, don’t be mad Jimmy.
  • What are you on about then?
  • Jim Carey.
  • What about him?
  • I’m just reading an article about him here.He said life is too beautiful to drink alcohol or do drugs.
  • Well I’m with him on the drugs bit but jaysis Bernie, ye can’t beat a good pint.
  • Or ten pints where you’re concerned Jimmy.
  • Life is beautiful after a feed of gargle but.
  • How would you know? You can barely walk after a night in the pub.
  • I resemble that remark Bernie.
  • Ye sure do Jimbo…ye sure do.

Every Friday night… 😉

Quarrels #AtoZchallenge

Q

Jimmy and Whitney always arguing over something…

  • Do you want to lose your job?
  • Why would I lose me job?
  • Going into work dressed like that?
  • Like what?
  • Like a stripper.
  • Jesus da, thanks for that.
  • Well, that skirt is half way up your backside.
  • Hardly, da.
  • Could you not wear something more suitable?
  • Hang on ’til I iron me burka.
  • No need to be snotty, I’m only making an observation here.
  • I’m not going to lose me job just because I wear  a short skirt da.
  • It looks more like a belt to me.
  • I’m going to work, da.
  • Well at least put a coat on for walking to the bus stop, its a bit nippy out.
  • It’s 22 degrees.
  • It’s cold in the shade.
  • Bye da…

 

He’s turning into a right old codger, lol.

Party Central #AtoZChallenge

Me and Jimmy went away for a few days over the Easter break. I’d been up to me eyes with me ma and work and the whole lot. I warned my lot not to be having any parties. ‘Not at all ma’ they said. ‘You go and enjoy yourself, everything will be cool here, you don’t need to worry about a thing.’

I must have been mad to believe them, the little feckers.

P

  • So, Whitney, how many people were at this party?
  • What party?
  • The party I warned you not to have before I went away
  • I don’t know what you’re talking about
  • Do you not now?
  • No, I mean, look at the gaf, it’s spotless.
  • I know, lovely; even cleaner than before I went away…suspiciously clean actually
  • So,
  • So, you never clean the house
  • I thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you got home
  • Oh, it’s a surprise alright
  • Well, what are you complaining about then? Oh I get it, I bet that old Biddy across the road told you
  • Mrs. Tyler? Oh lovely, so I have her to face as well as everything else
  • She’s a nosey cow
  • Well, I haven’t see her…yet
  • So, how did you know then?
  • You forgot to get rid of all your recycling
  • No I didn’t
  • Yes you did
  • I put it all in the green bin
  • Exactly
  • Exactly what
  • Exactly where you shouldn’t put four vodka bottles,three Jameson bottles, at least forty Bacardi Breezer bottles, and I lost count of the Smirnoff Ice.
  • I can’t believe you’ve been checking the bins
  • Yes I have
  • Who are you? Jessica Fletcher?
  • Well, it will be more than ‘Murder She Wrote‘ you have to worry about if you don’t get rid of all that shite
  • It’s not all mine
  • I don’t give a fuck who owns it, get rid of it, and in future when I say no parties, I mean…NO PARTIES
  • O.K O.K , jaysis
  • …and get rid of that bag of cans at the back of the garage as well
  • I told Koko to…
  • What?
  • Nothing. I’ll do it now

 

The sooner they all move out the better, I swear the older they get, the worse they get. At least when they were in nappies, you knew where they were and what they were up to…and you had less shite to clean up!

Overeating #AtoZChallenge

I’m very behind on this Ato Z challenge this month. I don’t have a minute to meself, and then Carmel asks me to go to weight watchers with her. I’m hardly obese but I said I’d go to support her. She hates going on her own because that bean pole Audrey who runs the class is a pain in the arse. She doesn’t like me because I don’t take it seriously enough and I love to wind her up.

O

 

  • Good morning Bernie
  • Morning Audrey
  • So how did you get on this week?
  • Great.
  • Have you been watching what you eat?
  • I have.
  • Well you haven’t lost any weight this week.
  • I’m not surprised.
  • Why’s that.
  • Because I watch what I eat alright.
  • How do you mean?
  • I watch  the burgers and chips, I watch the pizzas, I watch the steak and onions. I watch it all, just before it goes into my mouth.
  • That’s not what I meant when I said watch what you eat. You need to eat more fruit and salads.
  • I will Audrey, no problem.
  • And maybe cut down on the booze.
  • Who are you, me ma?
  • I’m trying to help you here Bernie.
  • Whatever Audrey.

 

Would you be bothered really?

 

Neighbours #HelpmeRhonda #AtoZChallenge

N

 

  • Where were you Jimmy?  I heard you pull up outside ages ago.Your dinner is ruined.
  • Your one across the road snared me when I got out of the van.
  • Help me Rhonda? What did she want this time?
  • Her fuse blew.
  • Again?
  • Yeah, I told her to stop using that dodgy kettle but she wont listen.
  • You’d think she’d buy a new one, its not like she’s short of a few bob.
  • Its out of the bleedin’ arc. I don’t know how she hasn’t blown herself up yet using that bloody thing.
  • If she had to pay an electrician every time a fuse blew, she’d soon buy a new one.
  • I told her to stop using it, the next time she’ll kill herself.
  • We can only dream.
  • Don’t be mean, Bernie.
  • I think she does it on purpose.
  • What?
  • I think she waits for your van to pull up before she plugs in the bleedin’ thing. Then she’s out the door like  a damsel in distress in her housecoat.’ Help me, Jimmy’. She’s a pain in the arse.
  • Ah I don’t mind, god love her, it must be tough living on your own.
  • She’s never on her own, she has you in every five minutes; If its not her fuse blowing, its her roof leaking, or her sink blocked. I think she fancies you.
  • Would you get away out of that. You don’t say that when I do stuff for Alice next door.
  • Alice is seventy five and needs a hand now and again. Rhonda is only in her forties and well able to sort out her own plumbing.
  • Are you jealous, Bernie?
  • I am in me hole. I just hate people taking liberties.

Jealous? me? As if…

.