Quarrels #AtoZchallenge

Q

Jimmy and Whitney always arguing over something…

  • Do you want to lose your job?
  • Why would I lose me job?
  • Going into work dressed like that?
  • Like what?
  • Like a stripper.
  • Jesus da, thanks for that.
  • Well, that skirt is half way up your backside.
  • Hardly, da.
  • Could you not wear something more suitable?
  • Hang on ’til I iron me burka.
  • No need to be snotty, I’m only making an observation here.
  • I’m not going to lose me job just because I wear  a short skirt da.
  • It looks more like a belt to me.
  • I’m going to work, da.
  • Well at least put a coat on for walking to the bus stop, its a bit nippy out.
  • It’s 22 degrees.
  • It’s cold in the shade.
  • Bye da…

 

He’s turning into a right old codger, lol.

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Party Central #AtoZChallenge

Me and Jimmy went away for a few days over the Easter break. I’d been up to me eyes with me ma and work and the whole lot. I warned my lot not to be having any parties. ‘Not at all ma’ they said. ‘You go and enjoy yourself, everything will be cool here, you don’t need to worry about a thing.’

I must have been mad to believe them, the little feckers.

P

  • So, Whitney, how many people were at this party?
  • What party?
  • The party I warned you not to have before I went away
  • I don’t know what you’re talking about
  • Do you not now?
  • No, I mean, look at the gaf, it’s spotless.
  • I know, lovely; even cleaner than before I went away…suspiciously clean actually
  • So,
  • So, you never clean the house
  • I thought it would be a nice surprise for you when you got home
  • Oh, it’s a surprise alright
  • Well, what are you complaining about then? Oh I get it, I bet that old Biddy across the road told you
  • Mrs. Tyler? Oh lovely, so I have her to face as well as everything else
  • She’s a nosey cow
  • Well, I haven’t see her…yet
  • So, how did you know then?
  • You forgot to get rid of all your recycling
  • No I didn’t
  • Yes you did
  • I put it all in the green bin
  • Exactly
  • Exactly what
  • Exactly where you shouldn’t put four vodka bottles,three Jameson bottles, at least forty Bacardi Breezer bottles, and I lost count of the Smirnoff Ice.
  • I can’t believe you’ve been checking the bins
  • Yes I have
  • Who are you? Jessica Fletcher?
  • Well, it will be more than ‘Murder She Wrote‘ you have to worry about if you don’t get rid of all that shite
  • It’s not all mine
  • I don’t give a fuck who owns it, get rid of it, and in future when I say no parties, I mean…NO PARTIES
  • O.K O.K , jaysis
  • …and get rid of that bag of cans at the back of the garage as well
  • I told Koko to…
  • What?
  • Nothing. I’ll do it now

 

The sooner they all move out the better, I swear the older they get, the worse they get. At least when they were in nappies, you knew where they were and what they were up to…and you had less shite to clean up!

Overeating #AtoZChallenge

I’m very behind on this Ato Z challenge this month. I don’t have a minute to meself, and then Carmel asks me to go to weight watchers with her. I’m hardly obese but I said I’d go to support her. She hates going on her own because that bean pole Audrey who runs the class is a pain in the arse. She doesn’t like me because I don’t take it seriously enough and I love to wind her up.

O

 

  • Good morning Bernie
  • Morning Audrey
  • So how did you get on this week?
  • Great.
  • Have you been watching what you eat?
  • I have.
  • Well you haven’t lost any weight this week.
  • I’m not surprised.
  • Why’s that.
  • Because I watch what I eat alright.
  • How do you mean?
  • I watch  the burgers and chips, I watch the pizzas, I watch the steak and onions. I watch it all, just before it goes into my mouth.
  • That’s not what I meant when I said watch what you eat. You need to eat more fruit and salads.
  • I will Audrey, no problem.
  • And maybe cut down on the booze.
  • Who are you, me ma?
  • I’m trying to help you here Bernie.
  • Whatever Audrey.

 

Would you be bothered really?

 

Neighbours #HelpmeRhonda #AtoZChallenge

N

 

  • Where were you Jimmy?  I heard you pull up outside ages ago.Your dinner is ruined.
  • Your one across the road snared me when I got out of the van.
  • Help me Rhonda? What did she want this time?
  • Her fuse blew.
  • Again?
  • Yeah, I told her to stop using that dodgy kettle but she wont listen.
  • You’d think she’d buy a new one, its not like she’s short of a few bob.
  • Its out of the bleedin’ arc. I don’t know how she hasn’t blown herself up yet using that bloody thing.
  • If she had to pay an electrician every time a fuse blew, she’d soon buy a new one.
  • I told her to stop using it, the next time she’ll kill herself.
  • We can only dream.
  • Don’t be mean, Bernie.
  • I think she does it on purpose.
  • What?
  • I think she waits for your van to pull up before she plugs in the bleedin’ thing. Then she’s out the door like  a damsel in distress in her housecoat.’ Help me, Jimmy’. She’s a pain in the arse.
  • Ah I don’t mind, god love her, it must be tough living on your own.
  • She’s never on her own, she has you in every five minutes; If its not her fuse blowing, its her roof leaking, or her sink blocked. I think she fancies you.
  • Would you get away out of that. You don’t say that when I do stuff for Alice next door.
  • Alice is seventy five and needs a hand now and again. Rhonda is only in her forties and well able to sort out her own plumbing.
  • Are you jealous, Bernie?
  • I am in me hole. I just hate people taking liberties.

Jealous? me? As if…

.

 

 

Marilyn(favourite auntie) #AtoZChallenge

M

 

Auntie Marilyn is mam’s sister. I told her we were going on holiday to Wales to visit friends.

  • I’ve been to Wales with my pal, Pam.
  • What part of Wales did you go to auntie Mar?
  • Holyhead.
  • Sure there’s feck all in Holyhead, what did you do there?
  • We went on a day trip to Dublin on  the ferry.
  • But you live in Dublin.
  • I know that, Bernie.
  • So you went on your holidays to Wales and took a day trip back home?
  • Yes, it was marvelous.
  • but…why?
  • As you said, there was feck all in Holyhead. We were so bored, we booked a day trip for a tenner on the ferry.
  • Did you know it was going to Dublin?
  • Of course we did, we’re not stupid, Bernie.
  • Of course you’re not auntie Mar.
  • There was a band playing on board. We had a few drinks and a dance. We had a fabulous time.
  • So, what did you do when you got to Dublin?
  • We did a bit of shopping on Talbot Street. I bought a lovely pair of slacks in Guineys. Pam bought new net curtains for her downstairs loo.
  • I’ve heard it all now.
  • I would have popped home for a cuppa but we had to be back on the ferry for the return sailing.
  • You got the ferry back? Would you not have been better staying put? Sure you only live around the corner from Guineys.
  • Don’t be silly Bernie, we still had two days left of our holidays and our return ticket.

God bless auntie Marilyn, she cracks me up  🙂

Knickers#AprilAtoZChallenge

K

 

  • What were you doing in my knicker drawer by the way?
  • What?
  • You said you saw my Bisto tin in my knicker drawer.
  • I was packing a bag for you.
  • Because you found my running away money?
  • No, because you were in hospital having the twins and you asked me to bring in more underwear.
  • Oh right.
  • Why do you think I was in your knicker drawer?
  • I don’t know.
  • Are you trying to insinuate something Bernie?
  • Calm down Jimmy, I know you’re not a cross dresser, and if you were, sure my knickers wouldn’t fit you.
  •  Not the ones you wore back then Bernie, they wouldn’t have fit the Michelin man.
  • Fuck off, you’ve some cheek. I’d just carried two of your children for eight and a half months, I was hardly going to be wearing lacy thongs.
  • I was only joking Bernie, stop being so sensitive.
  • You weren’t joking, you were saying I was fat.
  • I just said your knickers were a bit on the big side.
  • Well so were your jox. At least I had a reason for being fat. I was pregnant; what was your excuse?
  • Ah you’re getting personal now Bernie.
  • It hurts doesn’t it Jimmy?

That’ll teach him…cheeky bastard

 

 

 

 

Jimmy ( Running away)#AtoZChallenge

J

Does anyone else have a secret stash? Running away money we call it. Mine is in an old  Bisto Tin. My ma gave it to me before I got married. ‘But a few bob in there whenever you can. You never know the day or the hour you might need to get out Bernie’ she said to me.’And don’t tell him about it’ she said.’Why would I need to run away ma?’ ‘You never know what the future holds Bernie’ she said, ‘there’s many a woman who needed to get out of a bad marriage and couldn’t because her husband held the purse strings. Don’t ever get into that situation’. I knew I’d never need it, but after all these years, I still have my Bisto tin. But as for keeping it a secret, well I can’t hide much from my Jimmy. He came home one night and handed me a hundred euro.

  • What’s that for Jimmy?
  • Its for you. I got an extra few bob for selling some scrap metal.
  • So what will I do with it?
  • Do what you like. Buy yourself a new pair of shoes or something.
  • Thanks hon.
  • …or put it in that aul tin of yours.
  • What tin?
  • The one in your knicker drawer. Your Bisto tin.
  • Oh right, me savings box.
  • Your running away money.
  • Pardon? That’s me savings for the holidays.
  • Really? You never said you were saving for a holiday.
  • It was a surprise.
  • Some surprise, you’ve had it for the past twenty five years Bernie. Where are we going? The Bahamas? A world cruise?
  • There’s not that much in it.
  • I don’t imagine there is, sure haven’t you been dipping into it for years for presents and stuff for the kids.
  • How long have you known?
  • I’ve always known Bernie.
  • Why didn’t you say anything?
  • Nothing to say Bernie. Sure doesn’t every woman in Dublin have her running away money? Even me ma.
  • Lily had a Bisto tin?
  • No, she kept hers in an old handbag.
  • Did your da know?
  • Yeah, I think he put the odd few bob into it as well.
  • Was he trying to get her to run away quicker then?
  • Now, now, Bernie, I know you don’t get on with me ma but me da loved her, he knew she spent it all on us.
  • So are you trying to get rid of me then?
  • What do you mean?
  • You just gave me a hundred quid towards me running away fund.
  • You’re still here after twenty five years Bernie. If you were going anywhere, you’d be long gone by now.
  • True.
  • Go buy yourself a new pair of shoes, not runners but.
  • High heels it is then.

 

You can hide nothing from that fella…but hey, I forgot to ask him what he was doing in my knicker drawer…hmmmmm  🙂

bisto1