Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her


You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernadette
  • So were you out this morning?
  • I was, no thanks to you
  • What do you mean
  • Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
  • Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
  • What did you say
  • I said…did you go to mass ?
  • I did. Your brother brought me
  • That’s nice
  • Bernard, not Frank
  • Good old St. Bernard
  • Leave Bernard alone
  • With pleasure
  • So how’s father Mulcahy?
  • Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
  • He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
  • Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
  • Does he? That’s nice
  • Very uplifting sermon
  • Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
  • For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
  • Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
  • Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
  • Christmas ma
  • Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
  •  1989
  • Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
  • You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
  • You need to thank god for your blessings
  • I can thank God at home ma
  • It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
  • Who?
  • That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
  • Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
  • Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
  • I told you I did Bernie
  • Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
  • Why
  • Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
  • I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
  • Holy jaysis ma
  • Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
  • Says you slagging the neighbours
  • I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
  • Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
  • Stop cursing
  • Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …

9 thoughts on “Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her

    1. She says they’re all a shower of gossips with nothing better to be doing. Her and her pal Tessie are always giving out about them.’You’re just as bad as them ma” says I to her.”.but sure we’re not gossiping” she says ” we’re just stating facts”. You know me ma is never wrong!( according ton herself)


  1. I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the Lord himself know it

    I do love your mum. I know she drives you ’round the bend (and right over a cliff, complaining the whole way about how they used to maintain this road, back when there were standards and you could find things, sure there was a shop here and now they’ve put in a cliff, whose idea was that?) but the things she says…


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