You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

• Morning ma
• Morning Bernadette
• So were you out this morning?
• I was, no thanks to you
• What do you mean
• Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
• Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
• What did you say
• I said…did you go to mass ?
• I did. Your brother brought me
• That’s nice
• Bernard, not Frank
• Good old St. Bernard
• Leave Bernard alone
• With pleasure
• So how’s father Mulcahy?
• Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
• He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
• Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
• Does he? That’s nice
• Very uplifting sermon
• Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
• For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
• Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
• Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
• Christmas ma
• Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
•  1989
• Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
• You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
• You need to thank god for your blessings
• I can thank God at home ma
• It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
• Who?
• That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
• Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
• Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
• I told you I did Bernie
• Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
• Why
• Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
• I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
• Holy jaysis ma
• Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
• Says you slagging the neighbours
• I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
• Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
• Stop cursing
• Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …