#Hinching #AprilAtoz

H

Whitney bought a book and a bottle of wine for me for mothers day.

  • Hinch Yourself Happy. What the fuck is this all about Whit?
  • A woman who cleans her house. I thought it would cheer you up.
  • You thought a book about housework would cheer me up?
  • Well, it’s not just about cleaning. She gives some good tips as well.
  • Here’s a cleaning tip for you love, marry a man who earns enough money to hire someone to do the cleaning.
  • You like a good book ma, I thought you’d enjoy it.
  • I’ve been cleaning up after you lot for nearly thirty years. Whitney. I’ve arthritis in me knees from scrubbing floors, me hands are like prunes from all the washing up and cleaning windows; me back is fucked from hoovering, and on Mother’s day, you seriously think I want to read about some aul one going into raptures about cleaning her oven and bleaching her jax?
  • She’s not an aul one. She’s only in her twenties.
  • Ah jaysis, she has time to wise up then.
  • I follow her on Instagram ma, she cleans in a fun way.
  • The only time housework is fun Whitney, is when you’re sitting back with a large glass of wine watching someone else do it.
  • You might be surprised ma.
  • You know what would surprise me? You actually practicing what you preach for once.
  • What do you mean  ma?
  • Well, if this Mrs. Hinch is so fabulous and housework is such fun, why don’t you do it…or are you just happy watching her on Instagram?
  • Do you not like your Mother’s day present then?
  • Ah Whitney, I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful, but when you get to my age, you don’t tend to get too giddy at the prospect of finding a new toilet cleaner; unless it’s Aggie and Kim or Mrs. Doubtfire that’s the actual cleaner.
  • I tell you what ma; you sit down there and I’ll pour you that large glass of wine. You can chill out while I hoover the stairs .
  • Now you’re talking love.
  • Happy Mother’s day ma.
  • Ah, you’re very good to your aul Mammy.Thanks very much love, cheers for the book. I’ll  have a browse through it while I’m sipping me wine.

It’s not a bad aul read all the same, I was on chapter two before I even noticed, Whitney had hung out me washing and emptied the dishwasher as well. 😊

Maybe this Mrs. Hinch one isn’t so bad after all 😉

 

 

Easter Eggs…the enemy 😩

E 2018

  • Happy Easter ma, here’s your egg
  • Thanks Kylie love, you shouldn’t have
  • Ah you say that every year ma
  • I mean it this year
  • Yeah right, pull the other one
  • I’m serious
  • Really?
  • I’m on a diet
  • 🤣🤣🤣🤣
  • Get up off that floor Kylie
  • 😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣
  • What’s so funny?
  • You…on a diet…at Easter
  • You’re hilarious
  • Wait until I tell Jason
  • He knows
  • What did he say?
  • Nothing, he just ate the Easter egg he bought me
  • Very supportive of him
  • It was a Black Magic one as well…my favourite
  • So he made it disappear then
  • He did, right in front of me too
  • Greedy bastard
  • Yeah
  • So I’d better eat this one
  • I love Ferero Rocher Kylie
  • I know ma
  •  Maybe I’ll just have a small piece
  • Are you sure ma? I don’t want to be the one who ruins your diet
  • You’re not. Your da already did that when he made a fry up for breakfast
  • Nice one da
  • Here, you open the egg while I get the wine
  • What about the diet ma?
  • Fuck the diet…it’s Easter. I’ll start it tomorrow

ferero

Ferero heart never won fair lady ❤️

 

  • Did you buy me chocolates Jimmy?
  • Why would I buy you chocolates?
  • For Valentines day
  • You hate all that Valentines shite
  •  I don’t hate chocolate tho’
  • There’s still half a box of Ferero left since Christmas
  • What do you mean half a box? I never even opened them
  • I had one or two the other night when you were out
  • Did ye now? Well how come there’s only a half box left?
  • Well, maybe I ate more than one or two
  • You’re an awful gannet Jimmy Violet
  • I thought you didn’t want them. They’re there since Christmas
  •  I’m on the slimming world diet, I couldn’t eat them
  • I did you a favour so
  • I was saving them for a special occasion
  • Like what?
  • Like when I lost me first stone
  • That’s kinda defeating the purpose Ber isn’t it?
  • Whatever Jimmy, ah will ye look at the time, I’m dead  late for me weigh in. DON’T eat the rest of MY Ferero before I get back
  • It’ll be my Valentines gift to you
  • Oooh Mr. Ambassador  with zees half box of Rocher you are truly spoiling meeeee
  • I really am Ber. I mean I could’ve eaten them all
  • I’ve heard it all now, giving me a half box of my own chocolates for Valentines day
  • That’s how much I love you Ber. Any more than that and you’d never reach your target. 
  • You’re all heart Jimmy  ❤
  • I do try Bernie
  • Who says romance is dead?

 

ferero

 

Quiet

Q (1)

 

 

  • About time Bernie
  • Jaysis, where’s de fire Julie, I thought it was de police bangin’ on de door
  • I’ve been ringing your phone for de past half hour
  •  Feck sake ye can’t get five minutes to yerself in dis house
  • Where were ye Bernie?
  • Eh hello. I’m, standin’ here wrapped in a towel with water drippin’ all over de hall. Where d’ye tink I was, Honolulu beach?
  • I rang your phone five times. I didn’t know where you were
  • I was in de bath. First time I’ve had de house to meself in ages and de bleedin’ phone hasn’t stopped ringin’
  • Where’s everyone? I rang Jimmy’s phone aswell. He’s not answerin’ either.
  • Jimmy won’t hear his phone, he’s gone to watch de match with Jason and Rick
  • I thought der was somethin’ wrong
  • Why wud der be somethin’ wrong?
  • Well, when I couldn’t get any of you on de phone
  • I wouldv’e rang ye back later
  • I was worried. You always have your phone beside ye. It’s not like you not to answer
  • I left it chargin’ in de bedroom. I was havin’ a bit of quiet time
  • Quiet time?
  • Ye, a few minutes to meself like
  • But you hate bein’ on your own
  • I do not
  • Ye do
  • I just never get de bleedin’ chance in dis gaff Julie. Ders always someone lookin’ for somethin’
  • Oh sorry I disturbed ye. I’ll go so. Sorry for bein’ concerned like
  • Ah shurrup Julie and put de kettle on while I make meself decent
  • Kettle me arse. I brought  wine
  • Even though ye thought I might be dead?
  • I didn’t tink ye were dead…well I thought you were sick or somethin’
  • …and wine was goin’ to make me better?
  • Well it would make me feel better
  • Get de glasses Julie, I’ll be down in a minute
  • What about your quiet time?
  • Fuck tha’, you have wine. What’s more important?
  • Friends?
  • Friends with wine are even better Jules
  • Just as well I brought two bottles den Bernie
  • Good girl yerself

 

Who needs a quiet night in anyway?

bath

 

 

 

Dry

 

 

D

The pubs and off licences are all closed on Good Friday. Jimmy is not a bit pleased. You’d swear they were never going to open again. He’s been pacing the house like a caged tiger all day.

 

  • Sit down Jimmy will ye. You’re making me dizzy
  • I’ve a pain in me arse sitting down Bernie
  • Well go out for a walk then
  • A walk where?
  • I don’t know. The park, the shops, your ma’s
  • The park will be full of kids. The shops will be full of crazy shoppers stocking up  as if they were expecting a nuclear attack instead of a long weekend…and me ma will be at the church all day doing the stations of the cross
  • Well go out and do the garden then
  • Ah, it’s too damp out to cut the grass
  • Do a bit of weeding then
  • Ah me back is not the best today Bernie, I’ll only make it worse if I bend down
  • Well do something Jimmy ‘cause you’re getting on my nerves
  • Well if the bleedin’ pubs were open I could go for a pint
  • I knew that’s what was wrong with you. It’s only one day Jimmy for fuck sake
  • Yeah, the one day I’m off work and can actually go for a pint, I can’t
  • You go for a pint every night Jimmy
  • Not tonight tho’ Bernie. Even Jesus had a pint at the last supper.
  • He did not Jimmy
  • Well, he had wine then
  • Not in a pub tho’
  • It’s ridiculous that they keep the pubs closed of a good Friday in this day and age. My mouth is as dry as bleedin’ Ghandi’s flip- flop
  • Have a can from the fridge if you’re that desperate
  • It’s not the same Bernie. I’m not a house drinker. I like the ambience of the pub with me mates
  • The ambience? The smell of beer and farts in that bar would knock you out sometimes
  • It’s not that bad Bernie
  • The gas emmisions would turn the air blue
  • Don’t exaggerate
  • Well, you probably do most of the farting Jimmy so you wouldn’t notice
  • You’re very pass remarkable today. I suppose yours smell of roses
  • Rose by name rose by nature Jimmy
  • What does that make me then Bernie?
  • Well they do say violets are blue
  • You’re hilarious
  • If the cap fits Jimmy
  • Fuck off, I’m going to get a can

Roll on Saturday!

guinness