Knickers#AprilAtoZChallenge

K

 

  • What were you doing in my knicker drawer by the way?
  • What?
  • You said you saw my Bisto tin in my knicker drawer.
  • I was packing a bag for you.
  • Because you found my running away money?
  • No, because you were in hospital having the twins and you asked me to bring in more underwear.
  • Oh right.
  • Why do you think I was in your knicker drawer?
  • I don’t know.
  • Are you trying to insinuate something Bernie?
  • Calm down Jimmy, I know you’re not a cross dresser, and if you were, sure my knickers wouldn’t fit you.
  •  Not the ones you wore back then Bernie, they wouldn’t have fit the Michelin man.
  • Fuck off, you’ve some cheek. I’d just carried two of your children for eight and a half months, I was hardly going to be wearing lacy thongs.
  • I was only joking Bernie, stop being so sensitive.
  • You weren’t joking, you were saying I was fat.
  • I just said your knickers were a bit on the big side.
  • Well so were your jox. At least I had a reason for being fat. I was pregnant; what was your excuse?
  • Ah you’re getting personal now Bernie.
  • It hurts doesn’t it Jimmy?

That’ll teach him…cheeky bastard

 

 

 

 

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Game of Thongs

The washing machine repair fella was here this morning. Jimmy went ballistic when I rang and told him what the problem was. You’d swear it was my fault. Actually, everything these days seems to be my fault…and I don’t even own a pair of thongs. That Kylie one had better buy herself a few pairs of Bridget Jones or she’ll be left knickerless, because I’m burning that drawer full of  dental floss she has up in her room…

  • Is the machine fixed ma?
  • Yeah, no thanks to you
  • What did I do?
  • Put your bits of string in
  • What?
  • The bits of string you call knickers
  • They’re called thongs
  • I don’t care what you call them, they broke me machine
  • What’s my thongs got to do with the machine being broken?
  • One of them was blocking the filter
  • Is that what was wrong with it
  • Yes, mortified I was when the chap cleaned it out
  • Aww scarlet ma
  • You were scarlet? You were in bed. I had to face him Kylie
  • You should have checked the filter before you rang the repair fella ma
  • Don’t you start. I’ve enough of your da going on about it
  • Did he go mental
  • You know what he’s like ” did you not check the filter? The first thing you do when there’s a problem with a washing machine is check the filter ,before you call the repair fella….I can’t believe you didn’t check the filter…Eighty euro for a bleedin’ call out charge ” Blah Blah Blah
  • Ah sorry ma
  • “I didn’t see you checking the fucking filter” I says to him ” so shurrup annoying me will you”
  • Was it the same fella who called last time?
  • Oh no thank God. I was mortified enough as it was
  • That was hilarious ma.  Remember the underwire from your bra, caught in the drum
  • Oh, your da reminded me of that one this morning when he was on his rant
  • But he thought it was funny at the time. I remember him and Anto laughing over it. ” You’ve always been wired Bernie” he said
  • That was back when he had a sense of humour
  • Ah he’s not that bad
  • Grumpy fucker these days so he is.
  • Maybe he’s going through the change
  • Men don’t go through the change. They just become narky bastards in their old age
  • Me da is not sixty yet ma
  • He’s starting early so…here put that thong in the bin
  • Why?
  • Because it’s ripped to fuck
  • Ah ma, they were me favourites
  • Who in the name of jaysis has a favourite pair of thongs?
  • I do, they’re  Victoria’s Secret ones
  • Who the fuck is Victoria, and why are you borrowing her knickers? That’s disgusting, you’ve hundreds of pairs of your own
  • It’s the name of the shop ma
  • Whatever… It’s a piece of string Kylie. Get over yourself
  • And you say me da is a narky fucker
  • I beg your pardon?
  • …nothing, jaysis calm down ma
  • I won’t calm down. I’m sick of the lot of you
  • Jaysis it’s only a thong ma
  • Oh, and you owe me eighty euro
  • For what?
  • For the washing machine repair fella
  • I haven’t got eighty euro ma
  • Well stop buying expensive bits of  shite to cover your arse then
  • You’re as bad as me da these days
  • …and maybe that’ll teach you to  wash your knickers by hand in future

Kids, I swear the older they get the worse they get…

Boss

B (1)

  • You’re not goin’ out like that
  • Like wha’ Da?
  • Like ye forgot to get dressed
  • Bu’ I am dressed Da
  • Dat’s not dressed…dat’s half dressed. Yer not goin’ out in yer bra and knickers
  • It’s hot pants and a bikini top Da
  • It’s a bra and knickers
  • It’s de fashion Da
  • Fashion my arse,yer like a slapper
  • Da, stoppit
  • You stoppit, thinkin’ ye can go out in dat state
  • But da. Der only new. Dey cost half me tips from work
  • Well ye were robbed, go back and ask them where’s de rest of it
  • You haven’t a clue
  • I have a clue, dat’s why I’m not lettin’ you out in dat state.Now gerrup dat stairs and get dressed or yer not goin’ past dat front door
  • Ma, tell him will ye
  • Yer ma will tell me nuttin’. Who’s de boss in dis house?
  • Ma is
  • She is not, tell her Bernie

I’m sayin’ nuttin’ …

 

Shopping

waiting for wife

Jimmy had a day off work yesterday. I was just heading off to town to look for an outfit for Julies daughter’s wedding when he follows me out to the car. ‘I’ll come  with you Bernie’ he said. I hate when he comes shopping with me. He spends the whole time moaning and giving out about the length of time I spend in the shops. ‘Are you sure Jimmy?’ I said. ‘Would you not prefer to do a bit of gardening or relax in front of the telly? I’ll only be an hour?’ ‘Ah no, I’ll come with you love’ says he. ‘It’ll be nice’ There was no getting away from him. ‘Come on then’ I said. ‘But you better not start annoying me to hurry up’. ‘Sure you’ll only be an hour’ he said.

Well, when we got home that afternoon he was in a right mood.

  • Never ask me to go shopping with you again
  • I didn’t ask you. You just came
  • Well, I thought you were only going to be an hour
  • Don’t be stupid Jimmy
  • What do you mean?
  • When was I only ever an hour out shopping?
  • But you said you’d only be an hour
  • I always say that
  • I know, but you never are
  • We weren’t that long
  • Four hours Bernie…four bleedin’ hours
  • Well you should have stayed home then
  • I should have. I’ve a pain in me hole looking at shops
  • You knew I was looking for an outfit for the wedding
  • But you got nothing, after four hours…NOTHING
  • I didn’t see anything I liked, and you were no help, standing there with a bleedin’ face on you every time I tried a dress on
  • I told you the blue one was alright
  • Alright? Alright? I can’t go to my best friends daughters wedding in a dress that’s just ‘alright’
  • Sure who’ll be looking at you?
  • Thanks a lot
  • Well everyone will be looking at the bride
  • I’ll just wear me apron and slippers then will I Jimmy?
  • Wear what you like Bernie, sure you’ve loads of dresses up in the wardrobe that you never wear
  • It’s a bleedin’ wedding Jimmy. I have to get something new
  • That’s ridiculous. I’m not getting a new suit
  • Just because you’re happy wearing the same suit to every wedding and party we go to, doesn’t mean I have to.
  • There’s nothing wrong with my suit, there’s plenty more years left in it yet
  • Whatever you say Jimmy, you wear what you like
  • I will. I don’t need to traipse around town either
  • It’s different for men. You don’t give a shite what you wear
  • I care. That suit’s a classic, it will never go out of fashion
  • Just as well, you’re certainly getting your moneys worth out of it anyway
  • Too right I’m getting me moneys worth.I bought that in Burton’s, it wasn’t cheap you know.
  • I know, you tell me that every time you wear it Jimmy.
  • Anyway, I’m finished with shopping after today
  • You didn’t do any shopping, all you did was give out
  • Well, you try standing outside Penney’s for forty five minutes. You said you were just going in to buy a pair of knickers
  • You could have come in with me
  • I could not. I’d look like a right spanner following you around the underwear department
  • Well, you could have bought a newspaper and waited for me in the coffee shop
  • I could have printed the feckin’ newspaper and ground the coffee beans, the length of time you were in there Bernie
  • Stop exaggerating Jimmy. I wasn’t that long
  • You were so. The security guard was giving me funny looks I was so long standing there.
  • You’re imagining things. I’m sure the security guard is well used to men waiting for their wives outside
  • Well, I won’t be doing it again in a hurry; I felt like a right tool
  • I’m better off without you anyway…whinging and moaning every time I go into a shop
  • I don’t mind you going in Bernie, it’s when you forget to come back out that pisses me off
  • It takes time to browse. I don’t want to miss any bargains
  • But you didn’t even buy anything
  • I didn’t see anything I liked
  • Four feckin’ hours traipsing around town and you saw nothing you liked?
  • I’ll have to go back tomorrow
  • Tomorrow? Again? Are you off your trolly? What makes you think you’ll see anything you like tomorrow if you couldn’t see anything today?
  • Well, I can browse in peace, spend more time without worrying about you moaning outside
  • Spend more than four hours?Well, you’re on your own.
  • Thank God
  • Don’t ask me to come with you
  • Don’t worry, I won’t. Anyway, you’re in work tomorrow
  • Thanks be to Jaysis

He is NEVER coming shopping with me again!