• What were you doing in my knicker drawer by the way?
  • What?
  • You said you saw my Bisto tin in my knicker drawer.
  • I was packing a bag for you.
  • Because you found my running away money?
  • No, because you were in hospital having the twins and you asked me to bring in more underwear.
  • Oh right.
  • Why do you think I was in your knicker drawer?
  • I don’t know.
  • Are you trying to insinuate something Bernie?
  • Calm down Jimmy, I know you’re not a cross dresser, and if you were, sure my knickers wouldn’t fit you.
  •  Not the ones you wore back then Bernie, they wouldn’t have fit the Michelin man.
  • Fuck off, you’ve some cheek. I’d just carried two of your children for eight and a half months, I was hardly going to be wearing lacy thongs.
  • I was only joking Bernie, stop being so sensitive.
  • You weren’t joking, you were saying I was fat.
  • I just said your knickers were a bit on the big side.
  • Well so were your jox. At least I had a reason for being fat. I was pregnant; what was your excuse?
  • Ah you’re getting personal now Bernie.
  • It hurts doesn’t it Jimmy?

That’ll teach him…cheeky bastard





Big bum #AtoZChallenge

B 2018

I’ve a pain in my arse (‘scuse the pun) looking for something to wear that doesn’t make me look like Miss Piggy after a five course meal…

  • Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
  • Ah jaysis Bernie, not that old chestnut again
  • Well does it?
  • No
  • Liar
  • Yes then
  • Seriously?
  • Jaysis I don’t know Bernie
  • Is it big or not? simple question Jimmy
  • How big is big?
  • Fuck off; is it that big?
  • I never said that Bernie
  • You implied it
  • I implied nothing. Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Define grand
  • It’s in proportion to your body
  • You’re saying it’s massive so
  • No I’m not
  • But I’ve put on a stone in weight since Christmas, so if my arse is in proportion to my body then it must be huge
  • Maybe you didn’t put as much weight on your arse as you did on the rest of your body
  • Are you saying I’m fat everywhere else then?
  • No
  • Why did you say that then?
  • I was trying to make you feel better
  • By saying I’m a fat bitch?
  • I never… Oh I give up Bernie

Why do I even ask him?????




Fatty New Year



  • Oh hello Bernadette, come in,
  • Hiya Geraldine, Jimmy said you were looking for me
  • Yes, I thought it would be nice to spend more time together. We’ve been sister in laws for a long time and we hardly ever see each other
  • Oh yeah right, and what brought this on then?
  • Well I reckon its time for making some resolutions
  • Oh so I’m one of your resolutions am I?
  • Well sort of
  • So what’s on your list then?
  • I’ve only three things so far 1. Start a diet. 2. Exercise more. 3. Give up drink.
  • For fuck sake Ger. Will you leave it out
  • What?
  •  1. There’s not a pick on you. 2. You already do yoga, Pilates, spin class and speed walking every other day. 3. You don’t even drink
  • Thanks for the encouragement Bernie. I was going to ask you to join me
  • Join you in what?
  • My New Years list
  • Thanks a bunch Ger. With in laws like you who needs a slap from someone else
  • What?
  • You telling me I need to lose weight, exercise more and give up the drink
  • Well you were complaining over Christmas  about your clothes being too tight. So if you go on a diet and walk with me everyday and stop going to the pub so often, you’ll lose loads.
  • Me go to the pub so often? Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me
  • I’m only trying to help Bernadette
  • This list of yours
  • Yeah, what about it?
  • It sounds like a list for me…are you writing that list for me?
  • No
  • Are you saying I’m fat?
  • Not fat exactly, but…
  • Are you saying I’m not fit?
  • Well…
  • Are you saying I drink too much?
  • Well…
  • What am I? your New Years project?
  • I was only trying to help
  • If I needed help,  which I dont! You’re the last person I’d be calling, the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • I just thought we could do stuff together
  • You’re already doing everything on that list, so why write it down and show it to me? I’m not an eejit Geraldine
  • Ah just forget the list Bernie
  • No I won’t forget it … STRING BEAN GERALDINE
  • I beg your pardon?
  • That’s what everyone calls you
  • That’s not very nice
  • Hurts doesn’t it Ger? What am I ? BIG ARSE BERNIE?
  • I never said that?
  • You may as well have Geraldine, now if you’ll excuse me, I told Jimmy I’d meet him for lunch…IN THE PUB, if you don’t mind. I was going to ask you if yourself and Anto wanted to join us.
  • We’d love to have lunch with you and Jimmy, come on  I’ll drive, I’ll just go call Anthony
  • Forget it Geraldine, I’ll walk…burn a few  inches off my fat arse before I stuff my face and skull a feed of pints
  • I never said you’d a fat arse
  • You’ve said enough Geraldine. I’m not one of your lost causes
  • I’m sorry Bernadette
  • You’d better add number four to your list while you’re at it
  • What’s that?
  • Find some other gobshite to spin with
  • But Bernadette…
  • But nothing. Goodbye,and mind you don’t fall down any drains while you’re out running.

The nerve of her, skinny bitch!!