Empty Nest ( I wish) #AtoZChallenge

E

I remember when the twins, Kylie and Jason emigrated to Australia and young J.R. fecked off to America on a J1 visa, there was just me, Jimmy, Whitney and Koko left. I sobbed me heart out at the airport. Don’t get me wrong, I was delighted they were spreading their wings, but I just felt so sad. I know I was always moaning at them to clean their rooms, tidy  the kitchen when they were finished feeding themselves and half the neighbourhood kids. I nagged them to call or text me if they were going to be late home, and to stop treating the house like a bleedin’ Hotel, and bringing their mates back every Saturday night for sessions in me kitchen, but I missed them something terrible and the house was very quiet without them. Well, let me tell you, the  quietness didn’t last for long when the other pair took over where their siblings left off…

  • WHITNEY! KOKO! Get out of that bed and down them stairs now and clean this mess. I’m sick of this shite every Saturday morning.
  • HELLO! Is there anyone alive up there?
  • Am I talking to meself?
  • I’m not cleaning it, and I’m NOT getting rid of your bottles and cans again.
  • Who was smoking in the conservatory? There’s butts everywhere. Oh my god, someone’s used me good Aynsley dish as an ashtray. I got that for a wedding present from your aunty Marilyn.
  • HELLLOOOOOOOOO. Don’t make me come up them stairs.
  • Right, that’s it. Wait until your da sees the state of this place.
  • For fuck sake are yiz all dead or what? Well, all I can say is you’d better be dead, because when I get up them stairs I’m gonna bleedin’ kill yiz.

And there was me crying over me empty nest…I should be so lucky.

clean up

 

 

Advertisements

Clairvoyanto

Me pal Lynn persuaded me to go see a medium who was doing open readings in a pub. We got free tickets so I went along for the craic. Ma was dying to know all about it

  • I’m surprised you went to see a medium Bernie
  • Lynn asked me to go with her
  • So, how did it go?
  • It was a pile of shite to be honest ma
  • You’re just a skeptic Bernie, always were; always will
  • Lynn was hoping her da would get in touch
  • And did he?
  • No, of course he didn’t. It’s all a con
  • Well why did you go then?
  • Free tickets and a few pints, how could I refuse?
  • Fair enough, so  did anyone come to you from the other side then
  • Sure who’d come to me?
  • Your da maybe
  • We were in the Abberly Court ma. Da wouldn’t go there when he was alive, he’s hardly going to go when he’s dead now is he?
  • Fair enough, but what about your pal Sandra?
  • Not a sign of her ma
  • Aww, that’s a pity. You and her were so close Bernie
  • I still miss her
  • So maybe you were hoping she’d come through Bernie
  • I’d have been shocked if Sandra had come
  • Why?
  • I told you it was in the  Abberly  ma
  • So?
  • So…Sandra always said she wouldn’t be caught dead in that kip
  • I went to see a medium after your daddy died
  • Did you ma
  •  She told me he had difficulty breathing towards the end
  • Jaysis ma, what did you say to her?
  • ‘Obviously love’, says I to her…’he was fuckin’ dying. Everyone has difficulty breathing when they’re dying’
  • I bet she didn’t like that ma
  • No she didn’t
  • That one last night told  some poor woman her husband was very happy now since he passed, and the woman wasn’t a bit pleased
  • Why not?
  • ‘And why wouldn’ Anto be happy? fecking off leaving me with a load of bills and no mortgage protection’ she said ‘and tell him from me he’s a fucking bastard’
  • And did the husband answer her?
  • I dunno ma, I finished me drink and went to the pub next door to wait for Lynn who was still waiting to hear from her da
  • Why did you leave?
  • Because, I agree with me da and Sandra, the place is a kip, and I had a few visions of me own so I thought it best to leave early
  • What visions Bernie?
  • Visions of giving that so called medium a slap in the head ma…

fortune-teller-illustration-vector

Happy Endings

One of Jimmy’s old work buddies died. The funeral was yesterday.

  • So, how did the funeral go?
  • Very sad Bernie. Very sad
  • I’d say the family were in bits were they? It was so sudden
  • It was, sure didn’t I only see him in the pub last Tuesday, there wasn’t a bother on him
  • You just don’t know the day nor the hour do you Jimmy?
  • You sure don’t Bernie
  • What’s in the bag there
  • Batter burger and chips
  • Did you not get food at the funeral
  • Soup and a sandwich
  • I didn’t keep dinner for you because I thought you’d be having a sit down meal
  • Are you mad? At Franks funeral? Sure he’d turn in his grave if he knew he was even paying for a few ham sambos
  • Was he that bad?
  • He was a miserable aul shite
  • Ah Jimmy. Don’t be speaking ill of the dead
  • I’d say they buried him with his communion money
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • But was the service nice
  • It was Bernie. Father Joe gave a lovely eulogy
  • That’s nice
  • You know what Anto says to me?
  • What?
  • “I think we’re at the wrong funeral Jimmy”
  •  Why would he say that?
  • Well, Fr. Joe kept going on about how generous Frank was and how he’d give you his last shilling
  • What’s wrong with that?
  •  Frankie was as tight as a nuns knickers so he was. Wouldn’t buy a round of drinks if his life depended on it ; Still owes me a few pints you know. He was a miserable shite
  • You’ve two hopes of getting them now Jimmy…none and Bob
  • His money will be well spent now that its in the hands of his missus. Valerie is  getting the house done up
  • She didn’t waste much time did she?
  • Well Frankie never let her do a thing to his house. It’s just as it was when his ma lived in it. Same wallpaper and all. Me and Ray helped him to hang it, Christmas 1984 just after his da died. He was a miserable aul fucker as well.
  • 1984? for fuck sake, it must be in rag order. How did she put up with that?
  • She’d no choice. She didn’t work. He was the breadwinner, so he decided what was done
  • I’m delighted for her
  • What that her husband died
  • No, that she’s going to have a decent house to live in at last. Wait until I tell me ma
  • Did Maisie know him then?
  • No, but you know what she’s like. She loves a good funeral story
  • Especially one with a happy ending
  • Hardly a happy ending if he’s dead Jimmy
  • It is for me Bernie; Valerie’s hired me and Anto to do the renovations for her.
  • Only you could pick up work at a funeral Jimmy Violet
  • You take the work where you can get it Ber. Here, do you want half of me batter burger

 

No one could accuse Jimmy of being a mean aul shite all the same, could they?

Balls

golf-flag-19th-hole-md

Jimmy got some bad news down the pub last night. He was a bit upset when he came home

  • You’ll never guess who’s dead Bernie
  • Who
  • Guess
  • I don’t know
  • You’ll never guess
  • Well tell me then
  • Just guess tho’
  • Why do you always do this
  • Do what
  • Turn everything into a guessing game. Just bleedin’ tell me
  • But just guess
  • Elvis
  • Ah fuck off Bernie .Everyone knows Elvis is dead
  • Michael Jackson
  • You’re messin’ Bernie
  • Clint Eastwood
  • No, it’s someone we know
  • I know Clint
  • Clint Eastwood isn’t dead Bernie, and you don’t know him
  • Oh, I’m thinking of Barney Eastwood
  • You don’t know him either
  • Well just tell me then. Do I know them
  • Of course you know them. I wouldn’t be asking you to guess if you didn’t know them
  • Give us a clue
  • He drinks down the pub
  • Everyone we know drinks down the pub Jimmy
  • It’s a man
  • Jack Byrne
  • No
  • Paul Duggan
  • No
  • I give up, tell me
  • Shaymo Lawlor
  • No way
  • Yeah way. I knew you’d never guess
  • He’s only your age Jimmy
  • I know, scary isn’t it
  • I thought you were going to say one of the aul lads from the back bar
  • Gods waiting room ye mean
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • Sure jaysis, they’re all half dead Bernie, and there’s Shaymo fit as a fiddle, cut down in his prime
  • Not that fit Jimmy, he’s dead
  • That’s brutal
  • Aww, poor Shaymo. How did it happen
  • Massive heart attack on the golf course
  • That’s shocking
  • I know. This is why I never took up golf Bernie. You’re always hearing of chaps kicking the bucket on the golf course
  • You never took up golf because you said it’s boring
  • Well that as well
  • It’s hardly a strenuous sport like
  • It’s more of a social sport
  • Like snooker ye mean
  • There’s nothing wrong with snooker
  • I never said there was
  • You were being smart Bernie. I played football in me day
  • I know. Sure didn’t I spend most of me Saturdays off standing on the sidelines cheering you on Jimmy
  • You did Ber, you did. Those were the days
  • You were a great footballer in your day love
  • What do you mean, in my day? I can still kick a football
  • I’m sure you can
  • I’m not dead yet
  • Look at poor Shaymo, he could kick a football too Jimmy
  • He’s kicked the bucket now Ber. Poor sod, never knew what hit him. I’d like to go like that.
  • But you don’t play golf Jimmy
  • I mean ,out with the lads, having the craic
  • I thought he was on the golf course
  • Well he was having a few pints at the nineteenth hole, same thing
  • So it wasn’t the golf that killed him
  • Golf doesn’t kill ye Bernie
  • It does if you get hit hard enough in the head by a golf ball
  • That’s shocking Bernie. The poor chap is barely cold and you’re making jokes
  • Ah sorry Jimmy
  • Ah, I’m only messin’, Shaymo would have thought it was funny
  • Shaymo was very fond of the beer. I’d say that didn’t do him any favours health-wise
  • Nothing wrong with a few pints Bernie
  • A few yeah, but no need to go mad
  • Look who’s talking. I’ve seen you skull more than a few when you’re with the girls
  • Not every night tho’ Jimmy. Shaymo was down that pub every night
  • He liked the banter with the lads.
  • …and the beer
  • Sure that’s the whole point of going the pub Bernie…beer and banter
  • You’ll be drinking in Gods waiting room soon
  • I will in me arse.
  • You won’t be taking up golf then
  • No way. I’ll stick to me snooker for now. Golf is too dangerous
  • It’s all balls to me Jimmy
  • That’s harsh Bernie

R.I.P. Shaymo

Funeral parlour

F

 

Mrs. Molloy up the road died last week. She was a lovely woman who had a smile and a friendly word for everyone. She was always out doing her garden. She grew fabulous roses. She used to give me one now and again. ‘A rose for a rose’ she’d say, bless her. Teresa and me went up to pay our respects at Masseys funeral parlour  in the village

 

  • She looks lovely doesn’t she Bernie
  • Eh no Teresa, she looks dead
  • But she looks at peace
  • To be honest with you, I think she looks a bit pissed off actually
  • Why would she be pissed off?
  • Cos she’s dead Teresa. I’m sure you’d be pissed off if you were dead
  • But she lived a long life. It was her time
  • I must remind you of that when you’re 79, tell you it’s your time
  • I’m a long way off 79 Bernie Rose
  • I’m sure Mary thought the same when she was your age Teresa
  • Mary who?
  • Mary Molloy, in the coffin
  • Oh right
  • I expected  her to look better than this
  • How can she look better? She’s dead Bernie
  • But she always looked so well
  • But she wasn’t always dead was she?
  • She was a gorgeous woman
  • Gorgeous Bernie. Gorgeous
  • After she got sick tho’ she changed so much, God love her
  • If she’d died before she got sick she’d have been a lovely corpse wouldn’t she Bernie?
  • If she hadn’t got sick she wouldn’t have died Teresa
  • True Bernie. True

 

 

Some people just love to give blondes a bad name 😞