#W is forWheelchair friendly #AtoZChallenge

  • I’m of to the bingo Jimmy
  • This early?It’s only half five
  • I’m collecting me ma
  • Maisie’s going to bingo? I thought she couldn’t walk
  • We got a loan of a wheelchair for her
  • Whacker Byrne has a wheelchair friendly bus now has he?
  • No,he’s bleedin’ useless, so we’ve to walk, that’s why I’m leavin’ so early
  • I don’t know how he gets any passengers for the Bingo run at all, sure aren’t they all half dead
  • Here fuck off you, who’re you callin’ half dead?
  • Well apart from yerself and Julie and the Maureen one, they all have one foot in the grave
  • That’s shocking talk Jimmy Violet. They all love the bingo, it’s the only outing they have all week
  • Don’t they get to mass as well, and I’m sure they have a funeral a week to go to. There can’t be too many of them left at this stage. I think Whacker is in the wrong business Ber…he should be driving limos for the undertakers, and he’d get less grief from his passengers.
  • Well he’ll be getting grief off me when I see him, refusing to take me mas wheelchair. He can stick his bus up his swiss from now on. Right I’d better go, me ma will be hangin’ out the window waitin’ for me
  • …and how are ye gettin’ home?
  • We’ll get a taxi if we win
  • …and if ye don’t win?
  • Then I’ll be knackered walkin’
  • Ye can’t be pushin’ Maisie in the dark Ber ,I’ll pick you up.
  • Sure you’ll be in the pub Jimmy, and anyway will a wheelchair even fit into the back of your van with all that shite?
  • It’s not shite, it’s me tools for work Bernie, and sure I’ll go the pub later. Isn’t the bingo over at ten?
  • Yeah but I can’t see a wheelchair fitting in, and sure me ma can’t climb up into that front seat of  the van anyway.
  • I’ll hoosh her up
  • Hoosh her? Me ma is eighty five and she’s just had a knee operation Jimmy, ye can’t hoosh her anywhere
  • I’m only tryin’ to help Bernie, go on and walk so.
  • Ah go on so, but give us a lift to me mas first will ye Jimmy.
  • Will YOU be able to get up into the seat Ber?
  • Sure can’t ye hoosh me up Jimmy
  • I’ll hoosh you any time Bernie
  • Is that a threat Jimmy?
  • It’s a promise Ber
  • You’re right, I am a soft touch.
  • I’ll let ye know.
  • Dirty minded fecker, here you may as well bring us to the Bingo while you’re at it. Get a bit of practice in for when you collect us
  • Ah you’re pushing it now Ber
  • No I’m not. I’m getting a lift off you.

Just as well he collected us; we won feck all again!

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Que Sera Sera

It’s Maisies last week in the nursing home. I know she secretly loves it but she just won’t admit it…

  • Heya ma
  • Hello Bernadette
  • How are you getting on?
  • Awful
  • Why? Did you not do your physio today?
  • I did
  • Well, how was it
  • Grand
  • Well then?
  • Well then what?
  • Why did you say awful?
  • I’m talking about this place
  • It’s lovely ma
  • You stay here then if it’s so lovely
  • What do you not like about it?
  • The food is shite
  • What did you have for your lunch?
  • Chicken and ham with carrots and potatoes and parsley sauce
  • Sounds lovely.
  • It was alright
  • Did you get dessert?
  • Jelly and ice cream
  • Very nice
  • It was alright
  • Did you not eat your lunch then?
  • Of course I ate it
  • It can’t have been that bad so
  • I was starving Bernie. I’d have eaten the leg of the table with no salt I was so hungry
  • Oh, did you not have breakfast then?
  • I did. Porridge,a boiled egg, brown bread,tea, toast and marmalade
  • Is that all? No wonder you were starving by lunch time two hours later..
  • Three hours actually
  • Marie said you’d a great time at the bingo last night and you really enjoyed the singalong on Saturday
  • What would Marie know?
  • She’s one of the carers ma. She sees you everyday. She said you love it and get on great with the other patients
  • Did she now?
  • She did ma
  • I sit with Rita at the Bingo
  • Ah that’s great that you’ve made a friend
  • …and Nora, she’s great at the singing
  • Two new friends?
  • There’s Eileen as well, but  she hasn’t a note in her head , she thinks she’s Vera Lynn.
  • They can’t all be good singers ma
  • It’s just as well most of them are deaf in here, that’s all I can say
  • Did you sing on Saturday night  ma?
  • Well, they insisted. I had no choice
  • Que sera sera?
  • You know I love a bit of Doris Day Bernie
  • I’d say you were great
  • I had to do an encore…The Black hills of Dakota
  • They’ll miss you when you go home ma
  • D’ye think so Bernie?
  • I know so ma…and you’ll miss them
  • No I won’t.
  • You will, just wait and see
  • I won’t
  • Not even Rita?
  • Well maybe Rita…
  • What about Nora and Eileen
  • Maybe Nora, but not Eileen
  • Because she’s a crap singer?
  • No, because she’s a pain in the arse!

Takes one to know one sometimes I suppose!

 

 

Breaking Brad

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Waiting for a lift home from the Bingo…Sure you may as well be waiting for Brad Pitt…

 

  • Heya Bernie, are you waiting for Jimmy to pick you up?
  • No, Brad Pitt Breda
  • Aren’t we all Bern? aren’t we all?
  • He tried to pick me up once you know
  • In your dreams Bernie
  • He wasn’t always only in me dreams
  • Yeah right
  • 1996 it was
  • Seriously ? Where?
  • In The Black Lion in Inchicore
  • What was Brad Pitt doing in Inchicore Ber?
  • He was making that movie ‘The Devils Own’
  • Wasn’t he with Gwyneth Paltrow back then?
  • Jealous wagon
  • Really? Why?
  • ‘Cos he told me I was beautiful
  • Brad Pitt said you were beautiful?
  • ..and why are you looking so surprised?
  • .Brad Pitt like Ber…
  • ‘Hello beautiful’ he said
  • No way…and what did you say?
  • ‘Hello yourself’ I said
  • Is that it? I thought you said he tried to pick you up?
  • Well he would’ve only the Gwyneth one came over ‘Your pint is here Brad’ says she and dragged him off into a corner
  • You’re right Ber…jealous wagon.
  • I know. He kept looking over and smiling at me. ‘He fancies you’ said Julie to me
  • Jaysis Bernie. Imagine, Brad Pitt fancying ye
  • She was disgusted
  • Who Julie?
  • No Gwyneth. If looks could kill, I’d be brown bread
  • I’d say she was Bernie. Wouldn’t you be?
  • You’d want to see the dirty looks she gave me when I smiled back. Very possessive she was, kept rubbing his face and running her fingers through his hair
  • It’s more than his face I’d be rubbing Bernie
  • You’re such a durtburd Breda, but I know what you mean
  • So, what happened then?
  • He winked at me when she was whispering in his ear. Jaysis, me belly was doing the tango
  • Did she see him winking at you?
  • She must have. they were sitting right across from us.Me and Julie were sitting at the bar having a ham sambo and a bowl of soup.
  • Was that it?
  • Ah no we had a pint as well
  • I mean, is that all that happened with Brad?
  • No, he came over when they were leaving.  He looked at my wedding ring when I lifted my spoon to drink my soup and he said ‘Why are all the beautiful girls taken?’
  • Oh scarlet for ye Bernie, and what did you say?
  • Well I wanted to say ‘give us your number love and I’ll call ye when me divorce comes through, but Gwynnie gave me the evils again and pushed him through the door. I never saw him again…well except in the movies
  • Imagine you and Brad Bernie
  • His loss Breda. But Brads not the type to break up someone else’s marriage
  • No, just his own Bernie. Poor Jennifer
  • Yeah, I like Jen
  • Would you have been #BerBrad  #BradBer  or #Bradnie?
  • It would have to be #BradBer. Bradnie sounds like an arthiritic knee Breda, and BerBrad sounds like he’s in his nip.
  • Oooh lovely
  • Bare Brad yeah I could handle that
  • Did you tell Jimmy?
  • He thought it was hilarious
  • What, that Brad Pitt fancied you?
  • That I fancied Brad. Jimmy thinks Brad is a wanker
  • Touch of the green eye there Ber
  • In fairness he thinks Pierce Brosnan is a wanker as well, and I don’t even like Pierce Brosnan
  • I think Pierce is a ride meself
  • I thought so too until I saw him in Mama Mia. Jaysis, what was he thinking?
  • Yeah, he was shite in that alright
  • Shocking altogether. At least Brad never made a show of himself in a movie
  • What about ‘Snatch’ Bernie? That accent…jaysis
  • Oh yeah, forgot about that one…Hilarious
  • Is that your phone ringing ?
  • Yeah, hang on. Jaysis, there’s so much shite in this handbag I can’t find it
  • Hurry up will ye. It might be Brad.
  • I am hurrying, jaysis, hold on to your knickers will ye, ah feck it’s stopped ringing now. I hope he rings me back because I’ve no credit
  • Was it Jimmy?
  • Colin Farrell. I told him I’m married but he still keeps ringing me
  • Does Jimmy like Colin Farrell?
  • No, he thinks he’s a little bolix. Ah look it’s ringing again, hold on…’howya Brad, where are ye? Any sign of Angelina?… No way, ah she’s probably stuck for a babysitter…right so, see ye in a bit. Love you too hun. Bye, byebyebyebye
  • Jimmy?
  • Yeah, he’s waiting around the corner, couldn’t get parking
  • I couldn’t see Brad picking you up from Bingo could you Ber?
  • He’d be good with the kids but Breda
  • That’s not what Angelina says
  • Don’t mind her, she should have stuck with Billy Bob
  • #JimBer or #Berjim Bernie?
  • #BerJim of course
  • Pass the sick bucket Bernie

Eat your heart out Brangelina

 

 

Running away

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My friend Lynda has been saving her running away money since she got married thirty years ago. She’s fifty now and still hasn’t gone further than Galway for a weekend with the girls. She came over yesterday…

  • I’m running away Bernie
  • Again?
  • What do you mean?
  • Nothing. Where are you going?
  • I don’t know
  • What are you running from?
  • From him
  • What has he done now?
  • He’s just getting on my nerves
  • You can’t run away because someone’s getting on your nerves
  • I can and I will
  • Jasus you’re not eight years old Lyn
  • I wish I was eight years old Bernie. Back in my mas’ gaff, with not a care in the world
  • What cares do you have?
  • Him; sitting at home all day scratching his arse watching Jeremy Kyle
  • He can’t help losing his job
  • He could get another one…get him out of my hair
  • But he’s tried Lyn. You told me he applied for loads of jobs
  • He could try harder
  • Jobs aren’t that easy to get these days you know, especially for men of Dave’s age
  • He’s not that old Bernie
  • I never said he was old
  • You implied it
  • I did not
  • Dave is very fit for forty eight you know
  • I’m sure he is Lynda, but Dave is fifty two
  • Who told you he was fifty-two?
  • His ma did. He is my cousin remember
  • Oh yeah. Keep it quiet will you. Dave’s very sensitive about his age
  • He’s not the only one
  • What do you mean?
  • Sure you’ve been forty for the past ten years Lynda
  • I have not Bernie Rose Violet…it’s only been five
  • Yeah right
  • OK… eight
  • Whatever you say Lynda
  • Who are you today, the age police ?
  • You started it
  • I did not. When?
  • When you said Dave was very fit for forty eight
  • Well he is. He’d give young fellas half his age a run for their money
  • I’m sure he would Lyn
  • He would Bernie. Now can we stop talking about how old we are please
  • No problem. So when are you going?
  • Going where?
  • You said you were running away
  • Oh right. I don’t know yet
  • Where will you go?
  • Em, I don’t know yet
  • Let me know yeah
  • Right Bernie
  • Will you have another cuppa?
  • No, I’d better go. I’ve to make his dinner
  • Right so. Will I see you for Bingo later?
  • Yeah , Dave said he’ll give me a lift
  • What about Jeremy Kyle?
  • He doesn’t play Bingo
  • Very funny.
  • It will be over by then. He’ll drop me off  before Masterchef starts
  • That’s nice of him
  • Ah yeah, he doesn’t like me getting the bus. He’s very good like that
  • I thought he was getting on your nerves?
  • He is…he was…ah he’s alright I suppose. He’s not the worst
  • He’s lovely
  • Yeah he is lovely isn’t he?
  • See you later so
  • Right Bernie. I’d better run. I didn’t realise the time. Dave will be starving
  • Bye Lyn
  • Bye Bernie.

Jasus!!

Goodbye Venice Goodbye

Dolores idolised Joe Dolan. She was devastated when he passed away. She even went to his funeral.

It was the biggest funeral Mullingar had ever seen. All the celebs were there…Dickie Rock, Brendan Grace, Big Tom; even Daniel came with his sister. Me ma loves Margo. ‘She’s like Donegal’s answer to Patsy Cline, Bernie’ she said. ‘Whatever floats your boat ma’ I said.

I sometimes wonder if I’m adopted. Between me ma and Margo,Dolores and Joe, and me da jiving to Brendan Bowyer I just don’t know where I fit in. I’m more of a Spandau Ballet and George Michael girl meself.

Dolores and her pal Marie got a special coach to Mullingar with a load of other fans. Grown women sobbed in the streets, and after the mass, hundreds of them threw flowers at his passing hearse as they sang ‘Goodbye Venice Goodbye.’It was a sight to behold.

Not being a Joe fan, I thought it was all a bit mad but I said nothing because Dolores was crazy about him. She was in bits for months after. She sat in every night drinking wine and listening to all her Joe L.P’s. She wouldn’t even come out for a drink with the girls on children’s allowance night.  We left her to it for a while but when she stopped coming to bingo I knew we had to do something. Dolores never missed bingo. This was serious. Then Marie rang me.

  • I’m booking tickets for Joe Dolan
  • You’re a bit late Marie. He’s dead
  • I know Bernie. Sure wasn’t I at the funeral.
  • Well what are you on about so?
  • It’s a tribute act
  • Are you serious?
  • Yes; I am serious
  • She won’t go
  • She might
  • She won’t. I know she won’t
  • We need to get her out of that house Bernie
  • But Dolores says there’s no show like a Joe show Marie; and this isn’t a Joe show. It’s a someone who looks like a Joe show.
  • He sings like him too Bernie.
  • But it’s not him
  • We have to try something. Will you come with us?
  • When is it?
  • Saturday night, 8 o’clock in the club.
  • You book the tickets Marie. I’ll get her there.

So, I had to go down to Dolores gaff and tell her about the show.

  • I’m not going
  • Why not?
  • Its cheating Bernie
  • You weren’t married to him Dolores. How can it be cheating
  • It’s not Joe. It’s just some eejit pretending to be Joe
  • That’s the whole idea of tribute acts Dolores.
  • Well I’m still not going. I’d rather stay home and listen to the real thing.
  • You can’t sit at home for the rest of your life listening to records love. Joe would want you to be out enjoying yourself.
  • How do you know what Joe would want? You didn’t even like him
  • He was alright
  • He was a legend Bernie
  • If you say so Dolores
  • There will never be another Joe
  • There will never be another Dolores
  • What do you mean Bernie?
  • I miss you.
  • Aww Bernie
  • Come out with us on Saturday?
  • Alright Bernie. I’ll do it for Joe
  • Good woman
  • But you know there’s no show like a Joe show Bernie
  • We’ll see Dolores. We’ll see.

 

Watch this space!

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 Image by Eamonn O’Reilly.com