Zodiac

Z

  • Will I read your horoscope Jimmy?
  • For what?
  • So you’ll know what’s in store for you today
  • I already know what’s in store for me today
  • You think you do
  • I know I do. I’m going to go to work, come home, have me dinner, watch a bit of telly, go for a pint, come home again, go to bed and go to sleep. I don’t need some aul one in a magazine telling me any different
  • It’s not some aul one, it’s Mystic Maura
  • Mystic Maura? Is that the best she could come up with?
  • That’s her name. Maura Maher. She predicts the future
  • Predict my arse. I plan me own future
  • But there could be forces at work that will conspire to get in the way of what you’re planning
  • Have you been out with Geraldine again?
  • No;why?
  • Because you’re beginning to sound like her
  • Your future is in the stars Jimmy
  • Ask me swiss roll Bernie. Me future is being late for work if I sit here listening to anymore of this shite.
  • You wouldn’t think it was shite if it came true
  • Next thing you’ll want to ‘fix me aura’ or ‘align me chackras’ like Geraldine does everytime she calls over with Anto
  • Fuck off Jimmy. I only wanted to read your horoscope
  • Ah for jasus sake go on then, hurry up
  • It says here that your fortune is due a turnaround
  • What the fuck does that mean?
  • You could be about to come in to money
  • I’d better go to the bookies on the way to the pub then Ber
  • I thought you didn’t believe in hososcopes?
  • Who am I to mess with the stars Bernie?
  • It also says to take your time with any adjustments in your life
  • I won’t book the Bahamas as soon as I collect me winnings then. I’ll wait ‘til the weekend
  • …listen to your dreams, they will lead the way
  • I’m dreaming of a nice creamy pint right now Ber, does this mean I should go to the pub instead of going to work then?
  • Oh get out to work Jimmy, you’re getting on me nerves now
  • What does your horoscope say Bernie?
  • It says be wary of gobshites
  • Ah here Bernie, leave it out
  • No, you’re always slagging me
  • I am not. I just don’t believe all that mumbo jumbo
  • It’s only a bleedin’ horoscope
  • No one can predict your future Ber
  • It’s just a bit of fun. I like reading it
  • I don’t know why. You only believe it if it ‘s good news. When it’s bad you say it’s a pile of shite
  • I do not
  • You do so. Life isn’t like that Ber. You have to take the bad with the good
  • Well the bad news is you were right about being late for work
  • Ah for fuck sake, look at the time
  • The good news is, I’ll see you later
  • Is that a threat or a promise?
  • It’s whatever you want it to be
  • Ooh saucy, am I on a promise then Ber?
  • It’s written in the stars Jimmy
  • I’ll be home early then
  • I bet you will, ye dirtbird

Who knows what the future holds  🙂

Advertisements

Chakras

chackra

I’ve been a bit stressed lately. The kids are wrecking me buzz and Jimmy is being his usual pain in the arse. Antos wife Geraldine wants to ‘fix’ my aura.

  • I didn’t know it was broken Ger
  • Oh it is Bernie, it is
  • How can you tell?
  • Your aureole is very dark
  • Me aureole? What the fuck is that when it’s at home
  • It’s like a halo
  • I’ve a halo? Like an angels halo?
  • Yes, like an angel
  • Well about time too
  • But it’s very dark Bernie
  • I’m in a dark mood Ger
  • I can tell
  • Can you tell why?
  • Yes, you really need to align your chakras Bernie
  • Chakras? Are for fuck sake, what are me chakras
  • They are your energy centres. Yours are blocked Bernie
  • So me aura is broken, me aureole is too dark and me chakras’ are blocked is that what your saying?
  • It is Bernie.
  • So what’s the solution then?
  • You could start with yoga
  • What will that do?
  • It’s the first step to get your chakras spinning in the right direction
  • Are you serious
  • I am Bernie
  • Well my solution Geraldine is get out of this house away from him, the kids, and housework and have a night out with the girls, have a few vodkas, a bit of karaoke and a bop and I’ll be right as rain
  • Dance is good Bernie, with the right music it can help release your endorphins
  • I’m talking about a bit of Abba and a few scoops down the pub Ger
  • Alcohol is not the solution Bernie. You need to get in touch with your inner self
  • I need to get in touch with a bottle of Smirnoff  Geraldine
  • I could do some reiki on you before you go
  • You’re reiki-ing my head Ger
  • Sorry Bernadette, I was just trying to help
  • Ah I know Ger, sure come with us. You never know, you might enjoy it
  • Thanks Bernie but I told Anthony I’d make him some tofu parmigiana tonight. It’s his favourite, I just popped out to buy some shredded mozarella and basil
  • I thought steak and chips was Antos favourite?
  •  Oh no, it’s definitely my tofu
  • Whatever you say Ger, anyway I’d better go, I’m meeting the girls at eight so I’d better hurry home to polish me halo

Ask me areolas Geraldine!

Annoying Anto

A

Jimmy’s brother Anto can be a pain in the arse. I think he only calls over to my house to annoy me. His missus doesn’t let him watch telly or eat junk food. They don’t even own a telly. Imagine not owning a telly in this day and age. Geraldine is a very new age hippy type,into feng shui and auras and the like.She’s not a bit like his ex Breda. She didn’t give a shite what he did. Geraldine makes sure he does what he’s told at home.   He called over the other night…

  • Is Jimmy home?
  • No, he’s working late
  • What time will he be home?
  • I don’t know. I’ll tell him you called
  • I’ll wait for him
  • He could be hours
  • I don’t mind
  • Suit yourself
  • What are you watching?
  • Coronation Street
  • You still watch that shite?
  • I like it
  • Is Bet Lynch still in it?
  • How do you know Bet Lynch?
  • I remember her from watching it in me Mas
  • I thought you said it was shite
  • It is, but I had to watch it because me ma watched it. I’d no choice
  • Well same here Anto
  • What about Vera?
  • Vera who?
  • Jack’s wife who worked in the factory
  • Oh you mean Duckworth?
  • Yeah that’s her
  • She died
  • Really? How did Jack take it?
  • He died too
  • Aww, that’s terrible. I liked them
  • I thought you didn’t like it
  • Well I liked them, and Hilda Ogden
  • She left years ago
  • Yeah, me ma told me her husband died
  • He did yeah
  • Jasus, they’re dropping like flies in that programme
  • That’s soaps for ye Anto
  • Thank God for Deirdre Barlow what
  • She’s dead
  • Are you serious? Ken looks so happy there.
  • He doesn’t know yet
  • Why not?
  • Because this was filmed weeks ago. She was still alive then
  • I don’t get you
  • She died in real life Anthony, but she’s still alive in the programme
  • So where is she?
  • She’s away visiting her auntie
  • Blanche must be in bits
  • What?
  • Her ma, Blanche, they were very close
  • Blanche died two years ago Anto
  • Ah no way. Fuck off…not Blanche. She was gas
  • Not anymore, her dog is still alive though
  • It’s a dog’s life so
  • It is. I’ve missed half me programme now with you going on about dead people
  • The ads are on already?
  • Do you want to head off? I’ll tell Jimmy to call you
  • Ah no, I’m grand here. Sure I may as well wait for the second half
  • If you must
  • Are you making a cup of tea Bernie
  • I suppose so
  • Have you any biscuits?
  • I thought you weren’t allowed eat biscuits?
  • What Geraldine doesn’t know won’t hurt her
  • She must never get hurt so
  • What?
  • Nothing
  • Have you any custard creams?
  • No, just fig rolls
  • Aw, I fancied a custard cream but they’ll do I suppose
  • I’m sorry for you
  • Hurry up Bernie, the ads are over. You’re missing it

WP_20150327_008

Fuck off Anto!