Two weeks to Christmas and not a ball hanging. It was time to snap out of it and get in the festive spirit. Julie came over to help me.

• I don’t think I’ll be giving Danny De Vito a run for his money.
• Who you talking about, Bernie?
• That new chap across the road. His gaff like Blackpool Illuminations every night.
• Oh right ,like that Christmas movie. Imagine his Electricity bill in January.
• Imagine having a life sized gingerbread man on your lawn. What the fuck has that got to do with Christmas?
• Ah get away, he has not.
• He has so, along with eight dancing reindeers, Santa on his sleigh, a crib, two sheperds and three wise men and a partridge in a pear tree.
• Stop exaggerating.
• Well maybe not a partridge in a pear tree, but everything else, yeah.
• Aww, a crib. That’s nice.
• Nice my arse. It nearly gave me a heart attack the other night. I thought there was a gang trying to rob his gaff.
• That’s gas, Bernie.
• No it’s not gas. I rang 999 to report a burglary. Turns out it was the shepherd’s and wise men on the driveway.
• Hilarious. What did the police say?
• They thought it was hilarious too, but Danny De Vito wasn’t impressed to be woken up at one in the morning by the police. He’s been giving me the evils ever since.
• That’s not very festive of him. You were just being a concerned neighbour.
• I know, he was so rude. You know,for someone with such massive Christmas displays, he seems to be a right miserable fecker. I think he’s just showing off.
• Like, “my penguin is bigger than yours”?
• Exactly. But he has no competition from us. I’ll be stringing a few lights across the porch and hanging a wreath on the door and I’m done.
• You won’t be doing an Arnold Swarznegger then?
• Different movie Julie, ye big eejit.
• Oh yeah, haha.
• Although I might plug in our old Rudolph. The kids always loved him; and I think we still have that big Snowman somewhere.
• That ten foot yoke?You said you hated that.
• Well, it’s not all about me is it? The grandkids will love it.
• That’s the spirit Ber.
• Annnnd, it’s bigger than Danny De Vito’s.
• No competition you say?
• Shut up and go get Rudolph, Julie. I’ll see if Frosty is in the garage.
• Deck the halls Bernie. Deck the halls.