Fatty New Year

 

fat-ass

  • Oh hello Bernadette, come in,
  • Hiya Geraldine, Jimmy said you were looking for me
  • Yes, I thought it would be nice to spend more time together. We’ve been sister in laws for a long time and we hardly ever see each other
  • Oh yeah right, and what brought this on then?
  • Well I reckon its time for making some resolutions
  • Oh so I’m one of your resolutions am I?
  • Well sort of
  • So what’s on your list then?
  • I’ve only three things so far 1. Start a diet. 2. Exercise more. 3. Give up drink.
  • For fuck sake Ger. Will you leave it out
  • What?
  •  1. There’s not a pick on you. 2. You already do yoga, Pilates, spin class and speed walking every other day. 3. You don’t even drink
  • Thanks for the encouragement Bernie. I was going to ask you to join me
  • Join you in what?
  • My New Years list
  • Thanks a bunch Ger. With in laws like you who needs a slap from someone else
  • What?
  • You telling me I need to lose weight, exercise more and give up the drink
  • Well you were complaining over Christmas  about your clothes being too tight. So if you go on a diet and walk with me everyday and stop going to the pub so often, you’ll lose loads.
  • Me go to the pub so often? Maybe you should be talking to your husband, not me
  • I’m only trying to help Bernadette
  • This list of yours
  • Yeah, what about it?
  • It sounds like a list for me…are you writing that list for me?
  • No
  • Are you saying I’m fat?
  • Not fat exactly, but…
  • Are you saying I’m not fit?
  • Well…
  • Are you saying I drink too much?
  • Well…
  • What am I? your New Years project?
  • I was only trying to help
  • If I needed help,  which I dont! You’re the last person I’d be calling, the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • I just thought we could do stuff together
  • You’re already doing everything on that list, so why write it down and show it to me? I’m not an eejit Geraldine
  • Ah just forget the list Bernie
  • No I won’t forget it … STRING BEAN GERALDINE
  • I beg your pardon?
  • That’s what everyone calls you
  • That’s not very nice
  • Hurts doesn’t it Ger? What am I ? BIG ARSE BERNIE?
  • I never said that?
  • You may as well have Geraldine, now if you’ll excuse me, I told Jimmy I’d meet him for lunch…IN THE PUB, if you don’t mind. I was going to ask you if yourself and Anto wanted to join us.
  • We’d love to have lunch with you and Jimmy, come on  I’ll drive, I’ll just go call Anthony
  • Forget it Geraldine, I’ll walk…burn a few  inches off my fat arse before I stuff my face and skull a feed of pints
  • I never said you’d a fat arse
  • You’ve said enough Geraldine. I’m not one of your lost causes
  • I’m sorry Bernadette
  • You’d better add number four to your list while you’re at it
  • What’s that?
  • Find some other gobshite to spin with
  • But Bernadette…
  • But nothing. Goodbye,and mind you don’t fall down any drains while you’re out running.

The nerve of her, skinny bitch!!

 

 

Willow

W (1)

  • Hiya Ger
  • Oh Bernie how are you?
  • Grand, just ringin’ to see how Pat’s doin’?
  • Patchoulli is much better thanks.
  • Ah great. Ray said she was very bad
  • It was very traumatic,having a dead animal inside her
  • It was only a burger Ger, and sure there’s feck all meat in dem things inannyway
  • Meat is meat Bernadette. The whole episode was very upsetting for her.
  • Ah well, she’s on de mend now, dat’s the main thing Ger
  • She’s really looking forward to our weekend
  • Ah dat’s nice, and how’s Willow?
  • Delighted to be home from college. She’s teaching Patchoulli  Lunaception at the moment
  • What’s that?
  • It helps regulate menstruation by aligning your cycle with the moon
  • Far out man. So what’s Willow up to while we’re away?
  • Oh she’ll keep herself busy with her  Pilates  and catching up with friends
  • It’s a pity she couldn’t come with us
  • Well, I did think of bringing her but the Spa is all booked up that weekend.
  • Aww no way. Dat’s a bummer Ger
  • She was disappointed
  • Such a pity
  • I know. It would have been so lovely for us all to have a bonding mother/daughters session in a calm environment. It’s been so long since the three of us have spent time together
  • That would have been lovely aright Ger
  • Oh well never mind
  • D’ye know what Ger, I’ve a great idea. How about Willow going in my place
  • Oh Bernadette, I couldn’t ask that of you
  • You’re not askin’. I’m offerin’
  • But you’ve been so looking forward to it. Jimmy was only saying yesterday that you were counting the days
  • Was he now?
  • He said how excited you were
  • Did he really?
  • So thanks but I couldn’t ruin your weekend
  • Ah Ger, to be honest, I wouldn’t enjoy meself knowin’ poor Willow was home alone. Especially since she’s been so long away. So, I insist she goes in my place
  • Bernadette, I don’t know what to say. You are so so kind, no matter what  Lily says
  • What was his ma sayin’ about me?
  • Oh , em, nothing, sorry, I’m always putting my foot in my mouth
  • I know who’s mouth I’d like to put my foot in
  • I can’t wait to tell the girls the good news. I can’t thank you enough
  • Not at all Ger. Look, you just go and have a lovely time with your girlos.
  • Willow will be delighted. Thanks again Bernie
  • You’re more than welcome Geraldine.

 

Yes!!! Now wait ’til I see dat Jimmy fella!!

emoji

 

 

Gettaway

G (1)

 

  • Have you any plans for May Bernie?
  • May who?
  • The month of May ye dope
  • I don’t know what I’m doin’ tomorrow Julie, never mind May
  • So you’ve no holliers booked?
  • No, why?
  • Well ye have now girl
  • What?
  • You’re coming for a spa weekend
  • Since when?
  • Since we need a little gettaway
  • We do Jules. We really do. De kids are gettin’ on me nerves
  • Ders a catch tho’ Ber
  • What kind of a catch?
  • Ger’s comin’ with us
  • Ger ? Anto’s Ger?
  • The very one
  • Ah no, fuck off Julie. I’m not spendin’ the weekend with that hippy dippy yoke
  • She’s not that bad Bernie
  • Why would ye want to spend the weekend with veggie vagina anyway?
  • Ah stoppit, you’re  awful Bernie
  • She’s a pain in de hole Jules
  • It’s for Anto
  • What d’ye mean?
  • He wants to go to Paris for the Euros with Ray and Jimmy
  • What’s that got to do with us?
  • He doesn’t want to leave Ger home alone
  • What is she Macaulay Culkin all of a sudden?
  • Don’t be mean Bernie
  • Can she not go with her sister, or her Pilates pals?
  • He’s booking it as a surprise for her. He wants us to get to know her better
  • I know her enough already
  • Ah come on Ber. We’ll have de craic
  • But I was going to book a few days in Benidorm while they were away Julie
  • But you said you’d nothing planned
  • I forgot about the football didn’t I
  • Anto said he’ll pay for us for the weekend at a luxury spa if we bring Ger with us
  • Did he now?
  • He did
  • Well, that’s a whole different story then. Fuck it, if Antos paying, sure we may as well
  • What about Benidorm?
  • Sure we can go there when we’re bodytastic after our Spa weekend
  • Good thinking ninety nine
  • I’m not just a pretty face Julie
  • D’ye think Ger might come to Benidorm with us
  • Don’t push it Julie…don’t bleedin’ push it