No cure for stupid…Aussie Rules

blonde meme

So the entire house was struck down with this winter flu bug. Christmas came and went in a fog of coughs and fevers . It’s like it never even happened. The Christmas tree only came down yesterday and I feel like Santa hasn’t even arrived yet. Today was my first day out. I was going stir crazy in the house so I walked to Spar to get some more  Lemsips. Madonna O’Reilly’s daughter was serving behind the counter

  • Ah hello Mrs. Violet, how are you?
  • There y’are Mandy. I didn’t know you worked here
  • I only started last week. Me ma knows the owner, she got me in ’cause I wasn’t arsed going back to school
  • How is Mad Mary?
  • Who?
  • Your ma…Our Kylie always called her Mad Mary
  • Why
  • MADonna Mary…
  • Oh yeah, ha good one Mrs. Violet. Me da just calls her Donna, but yeah you’re right she is a bit mad alright. So, what can I get for you?
  •  A large packet of Lemsips please. We’re all at the tail end of that Aussie flu
  • You do look a bit rough alright
  • Thanks Mandy
  • Ah you usually look fab, it’s that flu, it’s killing us
  • Tell me about it. I feel as if I’ve done ten rounds with Conor McGregor
  • Everyone seems to have caught it. They’re dropping like flies up me mas estate, and you know I don’t think any of them have been to Australia recently. Me ma thinks it’s in the water
  • Is that right?
  • Why do we always get other countries diseases ?
  • What do you mean?
  • Well last year it was Hong Kong flu. This year it’s Australian flu. I hope they find a cure for it, not like that man flu. My granny says that’s incurable, isn’t that shocking?
  • Nothing shocks me anymore Mandy
  • You know,when I was small I had German measles. My ma  said she’s never been to Germany in her life. She doesn’t know how I picked it up
  • But…
  • Then there’s that Impetigo
  • That’s a skin rash Mand
  • Yeah from Impitego…that’s in Brazil or one of them countries isn’t it?
  • Did you say you weren’t going back to school love?
  • Yeah, sure I was learning nothing.
  • You don’t say?
  • School of life for me now Mrs. V. Just like me ma
  • Are you a natural blonde like your ma aswell Mandy?
  • I am, why do you ask?
  • Oh no reason
  • Well to be fair me ma does have a few highlights
  • What are they Mandy…A few vodkas and karaoke of a Saturday night?…haha
  • No, she has highlights in her hair I meant
  • Oh I know what you meant. Here…give us a packet of paracetamol with them Lemsips  please
  • Aw have you got a headache Mrs. V?
  • I’m getting one Mandy…I’m getting one

 

Did you ever wish you’d just stayed in bed?

Camel Toe

 

camelI had a few scoops with Julie last night. I haven’t seen her since before I went on me alcoholliers so we were due a catch up.

  • See they’re selling knickers with built in camel toe now Ber
  • Feck off Julie
  • I swear to God Bernie
  • Who in their right mind would want to be flashing their fanny to all and sundry?
  • Loads of people. They’re all the rage now I believe
  • That’s just wrong, and disgusting too
  • Well disgusting or not, they’re selling like hot cakes
  • Young ones these days would wear anything
  • Not like us you mean?
  • I never had a camel toe in me life
  • You wore pussy bows though Bern
  • Pussy bows were on me blouse, not me fanny
  • ..and ra ra skirts
  • Don’t remind me
  • ..and gold leggings
  • Jaysis
  • How did you get away with wearing them and not have a camel toe Bernie?
  • Two pairs of knickers with double gusset
  • Sexy bitch
  • Bet into them I was. Remember lying on the bed to pull the zip up with a hanger and not being able to get up without being pulled up
  • Same here, and you were afraid to go to the jax when you were out in case you couldn’t get them back up
  • The things we did to be fashionable what?
  • Camel toe but? We’d never go that far Bernie
  • I remember wearing leg warmers, and I wasn’t even going to the gym
  • …and fingerless gloves
  • …Madonna bands
  • …Bet Lynch earrings,they were like bleedin’ chandeliers
  • We thought we were only massive
  • We thought we were Bananarama
  • *Nathan Jones you’ve been gone too long* I still remember the dance moves
  • *Venus* I remember me ma nearly had a conniption cos I ripped me new jeans with her kitchen scissors so I’d be like Karen Woodward
  • They’re selling them already ripped now, imagine?
  • I know. Me ma couldn’t believe it when she saw our Whitney wearing them. ‘Has your mother not got a needle and thread to sew them up for ye love’ she said to her
  • I hope she doesn’t go buying them camel toe knickers
  • That’d be going a step too far. I don’t think she’s that stupid
  • Maisie said the same about your ripped jeans Bernie
  • She did too Julie. Oh to be young and foolish again
  • Just young would do me Ber
  • …and not just foolish
  • I’ll drink to that
  • I’ll drink to anything…cheers