Neighbours #HelpmeRhonda #AtoZChallenge

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  • Where were you Jimmy?  I heard you pull up outside ages ago.Your dinner is ruined.
  • Your one across the road snared me when I got out of the van.
  • Help me Rhonda? What did she want this time?
  • Her fuse blew.
  • Again?
  • Yeah, I told her to stop using that dodgy kettle but she wont listen.
  • You’d think she’d buy a new one, its not like she’s short of a few bob.
  • Its out of the bleedin’ arc. I don’t know how she hasn’t blown herself up yet using that bloody thing.
  • If she had to pay an electrician every time a fuse blew, she’d soon buy a new one.
  • I told her to stop using it, the next time she’ll kill herself.
  • We can only dream.
  • Don’t be mean, Bernie.
  • I think she does it on purpose.
  • What?
  • I think she waits for your van to pull up before she plugs in the bleedin’ thing. Then she’s out the door like  a damsel in distress in her housecoat.’ Help me, Jimmy’. She’s a pain in the arse.
  • Ah I don’t mind, god love her, it must be tough living on your own.
  • She’s never on her own, she has you in every five minutes; If its not her fuse blowing, its her roof leaking, or her sink blocked. I think she fancies you.
  • Would you get away out of that. You don’t say that when I do stuff for Alice next door.
  • Alice is seventy five and needs a hand now and again. Rhonda is only in her forties and well able to sort out her own plumbing.
  • Are you jealous, Bernie?
  • I am in me hole. I just hate people taking liberties.

Jealous? me? As if…

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Breaking Brad

brad

Waiting for a lift home from the Bingo…Sure you may as well be waiting for Brad Pitt…

 

  • Heya Bernie, are you waiting for Jimmy to pick you up?
  • No, Brad Pitt Breda
  • Aren’t we all Bern? aren’t we all?
  • He tried to pick me up once you know
  • In your dreams Bernie
  • He wasn’t always only in me dreams
  • Yeah right
  • 1996 it was
  • Seriously ? Where?
  • In The Black Lion in Inchicore
  • What was Brad Pitt doing in Inchicore Ber?
  • He was making that movie ‘The Devils Own’
  • Wasn’t he with Gwyneth Paltrow back then?
  • Jealous wagon
  • Really? Why?
  • ‘Cos he told me I was beautiful
  • Brad Pitt said you were beautiful?
  • ..and why are you looking so surprised?
  • .Brad Pitt like Ber…
  • ‘Hello beautiful’ he said
  • No way…and what did you say?
  • ‘Hello yourself’ I said
  • Is that it? I thought you said he tried to pick you up?
  • Well he would’ve only the Gwyneth one came over ‘Your pint is here Brad’ says she and dragged him off into a corner
  • You’re right Ber…jealous wagon.
  • I know. He kept looking over and smiling at me. ‘He fancies you’ said Julie to me
  • Jaysis Bernie. Imagine, Brad Pitt fancying ye
  • She was disgusted
  • Who Julie?
  • No Gwyneth. If looks could kill, I’d be brown bread
  • I’d say she was Bernie. Wouldn’t you be?
  • You’d want to see the dirty looks she gave me when I smiled back. Very possessive she was, kept rubbing his face and running her fingers through his hair
  • It’s more than his face I’d be rubbing Bernie
  • You’re such a durtburd Breda, but I know what you mean
  • So, what happened then?
  • He winked at me when she was whispering in his ear. Jaysis, me belly was doing the tango
  • Did she see him winking at you?
  • She must have. they were sitting right across from us.Me and Julie were sitting at the bar having a ham sambo and a bowl of soup.
  • Was that it?
  • Ah no we had a pint as well
  • I mean, is that all that happened with Brad?
  • No, he came over when they were leaving.  He looked at my wedding ring when I lifted my spoon to drink my soup and he said ‘Why are all the beautiful girls taken?’
  • Oh scarlet for ye Bernie, and what did you say?
  • Well I wanted to say ‘give us your number love and I’ll call ye when me divorce comes through, but Gwynnie gave me the evils again and pushed him through the door. I never saw him again…well except in the movies
  • Imagine you and Brad Bernie
  • His loss Breda. But Brads not the type to break up someone else’s marriage
  • No, just his own Bernie. Poor Jennifer
  • Yeah, I like Jen
  • Would you have been #BerBrad  #BradBer  or #Bradnie?
  • It would have to be #BradBer. Bradnie sounds like an arthiritic knee Breda, and BerBrad sounds like he’s in his nip.
  • Oooh lovely
  • Bare Brad yeah I could handle that
  • Did you tell Jimmy?
  • He thought it was hilarious
  • What, that Brad Pitt fancied you?
  • That I fancied Brad. Jimmy thinks Brad is a wanker
  • Touch of the green eye there Ber
  • In fairness he thinks Pierce Brosnan is a wanker as well, and I don’t even like Pierce Brosnan
  • I think Pierce is a ride meself
  • I thought so too until I saw him in Mama Mia. Jaysis, what was he thinking?
  • Yeah, he was shite in that alright
  • Shocking altogether. At least Brad never made a show of himself in a movie
  • What about ‘Snatch’ Bernie? That accent…jaysis
  • Oh yeah, forgot about that one…Hilarious
  • Is that your phone ringing ?
  • Yeah, hang on. Jaysis, there’s so much shite in this handbag I can’t find it
  • Hurry up will ye. It might be Brad.
  • I am hurrying, jaysis, hold on to your knickers will ye, ah feck it’s stopped ringing now. I hope he rings me back because I’ve no credit
  • Was it Jimmy?
  • Colin Farrell. I told him I’m married but he still keeps ringing me
  • Does Jimmy like Colin Farrell?
  • No, he thinks he’s a little bolix. Ah look it’s ringing again, hold on…’howya Brad, where are ye? Any sign of Angelina?… No way, ah she’s probably stuck for a babysitter…right so, see ye in a bit. Love you too hun. Bye, byebyebyebye
  • Jimmy?
  • Yeah, he’s waiting around the corner, couldn’t get parking
  • I couldn’t see Brad picking you up from Bingo could you Ber?
  • He’d be good with the kids but Breda
  • That’s not what Angelina says
  • Don’t mind her, she should have stuck with Billy Bob
  • #JimBer or #Berjim Bernie?
  • #BerJim of course
  • Pass the sick bucket Bernie

Eat your heart out Brangelina

 

 

TRENDY

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‘Hot from the catwalks of Paris, we have this season’s latest trend’  ‘says Glenda on Exposé last night. ‘Denim is back’.

I never knew it was gone away to be honest with you.They talk some bullshit on these fashion programmes.

He was reading the newspaper, waiting for Emmerdale to come on.

– ‘Stop the lights Jimmy, You can keep wearing your wrangler jacket’.

– ‘I’d no intention of stopping’

–  ‘You’ve been wearing it so long I thought it was glued to you; but at least now you’ll be on trend as they say.

– ‘Why do they never say trendy anymore’?  ‘What’s all this ‘on trend’ crap’?

– ‘It’s not trendy to say trendy I suppose ‘

–  Anyway,who gives a shite whether it’s  on trend or trendy. I have that jacket since 1982’.

– ‘Is that all? It seems longer. I’m sure it was on trend when you bought it. Sure isn’t all fashion  cyclical?’

– ‘Cyclical?  ‘What’s that when it’s at home…Clothes for cyclists?’

– ‘Go back to your newspaper, you’re not even funny’.

– ‘…and there’s plenty more wear left in that jacket too’.

– ‘There’s holes in the sleeves’.

– ‘You’ve no appreciation for authenticity. My jacket is vintage; the real deal’.

– ’Vintage my arse; It’s just old’.

– ‘There’s no need to be crude.‘That jacket’s been with me longer than you have’.

– ‘Well I won’t have to worry about what to bury you in when you die will I’.

– ‘I’d be delighted to be buried in it. You’d only throw it in the bin when I’m gone’.

– ‘It doesn’t even matter if it doesn’t button up on you anymore. According to Glenda here that’s all the rage.’

– ‘Not buttoning up your jacket is all the rage? Since when?’

– ‘Since Spring/Summer collection; and you can push your sleeves up to your elbows again, like in Miami Vice. Remember you used to do that when I was only going out with you?’

– ‘I don’t remember that’.

–  ‘You did. You and Jacko Whelan. The two of you strutted around like Don Johnston and what’s his name? Oh yeah… Philip Michael Thomas. I always thought he was a fine thing’.

– ‘Who? Jacko Whelan? Sure he’d a head like a bag of spanners Bernie’.

– ‘No, Philip Michael Thomas, ye big eejit’.

–  ‘Philip Michael Thomas? Was he not in the Walton’s?

–  ‘No, that’s Richard Thomas’ he played John Boy…and you wore shoes with no socks.’

– ‘When Did I wear shoes with no socks?’

– ‘When you hung around with Jacko Whelan back in the eighties. For feck sake Jimmy, are you even listening to me? Remember my da saying to you ‘Did you forget to put your socks on son?’ You were scarlet’.

– ‘Jasus Bernie, you’ve a great memory, and by the way my jacket buttons up perfectly well.’

– ‘Well why do you never button it up then’?

–  ‘Because it’s trendy not to’

– ‘You’re only saying that because it’s on Exposé’

– ‘No I’m not. I’ve always been trendy’

– ‘Nothing to do with your beer belly then?’

– ‘I haven’t got a beer belly’

– ‘I can see you sucking it in. It’s not working Jimmy. You know,Jacko Whelan hasn’t got a beer belly’.

– ‘What’s  this ? The Jacko Whelan appreciation society?

– ‘ What are you on about’?

– ‘You haven’t shut up about him all night’.

– ‘I was only saying he has no beer belly’.

– ‘Bully for Jacko’.

– ‘What? Are you jealous of Jacko Whelan?

– ‘I am in my arse’

– ‘You are so’

– ‘Why would I be jealous of him, the baldy yoke’?

– ‘Well stop sucking your belly in when you talk about him then’.

– ‘I’m not talking about him. You are’.

– ‘I still think you’re jealous’.

– ‘Jealous me hole. I can lose this belly anytime I like, but Jacko Whelan will always be a baldy git’.

 

Men…they  can be so sensitive!