COYBIG

  • What’s in the bag Jimmy?
  • Bunting
  • More bunting?
  • You can never have too much bunting Bernie
  • Eh yeah, ye can. The house is covered in them already
  • These are for Alison next door, she asked me to pick up a few for her, she’s all excited for the Euros
  • So excited she told me you were gone off in a green white and orange transit van to France
  • I told her it was the lads from work. I was just givin’ them a dig out to spray it. Now did you think I’d go off to France without seeing you after being away so long Ber?
  •  I suppose I should count meself luck you didn’t paint the house green white and orange while I was away
  • Yeah, dead lucky Ber
  • What’s in that bag in the hall?
  • Emmmm, paint
  • What kind of paint
  • Green white and orange paint
  • You can fuck right off Jimmy Violet
  • Why?
  • You’re not painting the front of my house like the Irish flag
  • Why not?
  • Are you actually serious Jimmy Violet?
  • It’s only for a couple of weeks for the Euros, then I’ll paint it back any colour you like Ber
  • I like it the colour it is now
  • Grand I’ll get a few tins of that then when I get back from France
  • You will in your swiss roll. It’s stayin’ the way it is now
  • You’re such a dry shite Bernie
  • Why? Because I don’t want me gaff looking like the tricolour
  • It’s patriotic Ber
  • Shurrup Jimmy. You won’t even be here. I’m the one who’ll have to look at it while you’re swannin’ around France with Jackie’s army
  • It’s not Jackie’s army anymore Bernie…
  • I don’t care what yizzer called
  • You’re just a spoilsport and…
  • And what Jimmy? AND WHAT?
  • …and you’re so easy to wind up
  • How?
  • That’s the paint left over from spraying the van for the lads in work. Did ye really think I’d paint the gaff green white and orange? What sort of gobshite d’ye take me for?
  • Don’t make me answer that
  • You’re face bu’ Bernie. Fuckin’ priceless. Wait ’til I tell the lads about this
  • Go on have a good laugh with yer mates about me
  • Ah bu’ it was funny
  • Fuckin’ hilarious. What time is your flight?
  • Ten bells Bern.
  • You’d better get your skids on then, look at the time. What time is the match this evening?
  • Five o’clock Irish time. Will ye be watchin’ on the telly?
  • I will in me hoop. I’ve better things to be doin’ with me life than watchin’ a bunch of yoyos runnin’ around a pitch after a ball
  • Ah gerraway oua’ tha’ You always say that and then you’re the one screamin’ the loudest
  • Will ye get out the door and stop annoyin’ me Jimmy
  • Watch out for me on the telly won’t ye Ber?
  • I will yeah
  • I’ll be the one in green
  • Sure how could I miss ye Jimmy

Ireland euros

Come On You Boys In Green  😉

Jimmy Riddle

J (1)

  • Have ye seen me passport Bernie?
  • Yeah
  • Where is it
  • I dunno
  • Ye just said ye seen it
  • I did, loads of times, awful lookin’ photo too Jimmy
  • You’re bleedin’ hilarious Ber
  • What d’ye want it for?
  • I’m bookin’ me tickets to Paris
  • I still can’t believe you’re goin’ to Paris without me
  • It’s for de football Ber
  • But Paris is our place Jimmy
  • It’s the Euros Ber, and anyway, you hate football
  • I could’ve gone shoppin’ while you were at the matches
  • Would you feck off Bernie
  • Ah I’m only messin’ with ye Jimmy
  • Anyway you’ll be at your Spa
  • Health farm Jimmy
  • Whatever. Seriously Ber, have ye no idea where me passport  is?
  • I haven’t a breeze Jimmy
  •  I’ve searched the house and can’t find it. It’s a mystery Ber
  • Would ye not call it a Jimmy Riddle love?
  • Dat’s slang for a piddle Bernie
  • Well, you’ll be wettin’yerself if ye don’t find it
  • I’ll have to apply for an emergency one Ber
  • …ah sure you can always come  with me and Julie and Ger
  • Feck off. I’m not goin’ to a Spa with a gang of women
  • It’s a bleedin’ health farm and we wouldn’t want ye inannyway. Ye can stay at home on yer own for all I care
  • Dat’s harsh Bernie. Ye know I can’t miss de Euros
  • Calm down will ye for fuck sake. Come on, I’ll help ye look for de bleedin’ passport

He’s worse than a child sometimes!

irishpassport

A man with balls

during the UEFA Champions League semi final first leg match between Borussia Dortmund and Real Madrid at Signal Iduna Park on April 24, 2013 in Dortmund, Germany.

Is there no end to the football? I’ve a pain in me arse watching it…and it’s not only that… the roars and shouts and bad language coming out of  Jimmy is fuckin’ terrible. I usually stay in the kitchen with the radio turned up so I can’t hear him. I only pop in with a cuppa for Jimmy when Chelsea is playing, just to be supportive like.

  • That José Mourinho is a fine thing isn’t he Jimmy
  • He’s a bleedin’ stockin’ Bernie
  • I read in the paper that he has balls. I like a man with balls
  • I’m sure ye do Ber but Mourinho is a gobshite
  • Is he?
  • He’s like a fuckin’ aul one, always moaning and giving out
  • Well maybe he has good reason, them players are always messin’
  • He nearly had a conniption when John Terry got a red card
  • A red card is serious bu’ isn’t it?
  • Serious enough for Terry to be dismissed from the team
  • I thought he was the captain?
  • He is Bernie.
  • No wonder José was upset, God love him.
  • God love me arse Bernie.
  • Well…the captain should know better. He must be a right little gurrier
  • Leave it out will ye Bernie. You haven’t a bleedin’ clue
  • I’m just trying to be supportive Jimmy
  • How are you being…
  • … Ah look he’s singing Jimmy, José is singing, bless him. Why is he singing Jimmy?
  • Because they won Ber
  • He’s not a very good singer is he Jimmy?
  • Shite Bernie, pure shite
  • He’s still a bit of a ride tho’
  • He’s still a bleedin’ stocking Ber
  • Ah leave him alone
  • You know nothing about football Bernie
  • Well I’m trying to learn, and as I was saying I’m just trying to be supportive
  • How are you being supportive
  • I came in to watch the match with you didn’t I? Cheer the team on
  • I don’t even support Chelsea Bernie
  • Oh right…anyway, would ye like another cup of tea so Jimmy?

That was a few weeks ago.  I believe poor José is in deeper shit now …Jimmy is delighted but I still think he’s a ride  🙂

Balls

golf-flag-19th-hole-md

Jimmy got some bad news down the pub last night. He was a bit upset when he came home

  • You’ll never guess who’s dead Bernie
  • Who
  • Guess
  • I don’t know
  • You’ll never guess
  • Well tell me then
  • Just guess tho’
  • Why do you always do this
  • Do what
  • Turn everything into a guessing game. Just bleedin’ tell me
  • But just guess
  • Elvis
  • Ah fuck off Bernie .Everyone knows Elvis is dead
  • Michael Jackson
  • You’re messin’ Bernie
  • Clint Eastwood
  • No, it’s someone we know
  • I know Clint
  • Clint Eastwood isn’t dead Bernie, and you don’t know him
  • Oh, I’m thinking of Barney Eastwood
  • You don’t know him either
  • Well just tell me then. Do I know them
  • Of course you know them. I wouldn’t be asking you to guess if you didn’t know them
  • Give us a clue
  • He drinks down the pub
  • Everyone we know drinks down the pub Jimmy
  • It’s a man
  • Jack Byrne
  • No
  • Paul Duggan
  • No
  • I give up, tell me
  • Shaymo Lawlor
  • No way
  • Yeah way. I knew you’d never guess
  • He’s only your age Jimmy
  • I know, scary isn’t it
  • I thought you were going to say one of the aul lads from the back bar
  • Gods waiting room ye mean
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • Sure jaysis, they’re all half dead Bernie, and there’s Shaymo fit as a fiddle, cut down in his prime
  • Not that fit Jimmy, he’s dead
  • That’s brutal
  • Aww, poor Shaymo. How did it happen
  • Massive heart attack on the golf course
  • That’s shocking
  • I know. This is why I never took up golf Bernie. You’re always hearing of chaps kicking the bucket on the golf course
  • You never took up golf because you said it’s boring
  • Well that as well
  • It’s hardly a strenuous sport like
  • It’s more of a social sport
  • Like snooker ye mean
  • There’s nothing wrong with snooker
  • I never said there was
  • You were being smart Bernie. I played football in me day
  • I know. Sure didn’t I spend most of me Saturdays off standing on the sidelines cheering you on Jimmy
  • You did Ber, you did. Those were the days
  • You were a great footballer in your day love
  • What do you mean, in my day? I can still kick a football
  • I’m sure you can
  • I’m not dead yet
  • Look at poor Shaymo, he could kick a football too Jimmy
  • He’s kicked the bucket now Ber. Poor sod, never knew what hit him. I’d like to go like that.
  • But you don’t play golf Jimmy
  • I mean ,out with the lads, having the craic
  • I thought he was on the golf course
  • Well he was having a few pints at the nineteenth hole, same thing
  • So it wasn’t the golf that killed him
  • Golf doesn’t kill ye Bernie
  • It does if you get hit hard enough in the head by a golf ball
  • That’s shocking Bernie. The poor chap is barely cold and you’re making jokes
  • Ah sorry Jimmy
  • Ah, I’m only messin’, Shaymo would have thought it was funny
  • Shaymo was very fond of the beer. I’d say that didn’t do him any favours health-wise
  • Nothing wrong with a few pints Bernie
  • A few yeah, but no need to go mad
  • Look who’s talking. I’ve seen you skull more than a few when you’re with the girls
  • Not every night tho’ Jimmy. Shaymo was down that pub every night
  • He liked the banter with the lads.
  • …and the beer
  • Sure that’s the whole point of going the pub Bernie…beer and banter
  • You’ll be drinking in Gods waiting room soon
  • I will in me arse.
  • You won’t be taking up golf then
  • No way. I’ll stick to me snooker for now. Golf is too dangerous
  • It’s all balls to me Jimmy
  • That’s harsh Bernie

R.I.P. Shaymo

Lappy come home

lappy

My laptop is banjaxed. All of my writing is lost. Gone forever. Don’t ask me what went wrong. I haven’t a bleedin’ clue. All I know is, I spent ages writing and now I can’t find anything. This is why I haven’t posted on my blog for the past week. Anyway to make a long story painful… Lappy has had to go in to get fixed so I’m back to good old pen and paper. Jimmy said I’m on it so much that it probably self destructed to give itself a rest.

‘Fuck off you  and watch the match will you’ says I

‘Don’t start taking it out on me’ says he ‘
‘Well just leave me alone then and let me get on with my writing says I.’

‘Oooh, excuse me’ says he. ‘…let me get on with my writing’ Who are you bleedin’ Joan Collins?’

‘Ask me hoop’ Jimmy says I

I swear he’s winding me up on purpose. He was starting to get on my nerves now. I wish he’d fuck off to the pub to watch the football so I could watch me soaps or a movie or something. I’ve a pain in me face listening to the constant commentating from the telly and worse still from him

– foul ref
– ah ye bleedin’ stockin’
– ah for Jasus sake, kick the bleedin’ ball
– Offside, offside, ah holy mother of divine, what the fuck…
– Ref, ref, where’s the bleedin’ ref?
– FOR FUCK SAKE…NO WAY, NO WAY…

I left him to it, shouting at the telly like a lunatic

I came out to the library for a bit of peace and quiet ( and to use their computer) but I have to go home sometime.

If you don’t hear from me soon. You’ll know I’m in the Joy serving time for murdering him. Wish me luck guys. I will be able to comment from my phone but that’s about it. I hope you’ll wait for me and continue to follow.
Come home soon lappy….please 🙂