Que Sera Sera

It’s Maisies last week in the nursing home. I know she secretly loves it but she just won’t admit it…

  • Heya ma
  • Hello Bernadette
  • How are you getting on?
  • Awful
  • Why? Did you not do your physio today?
  • I did
  • Well, how was it
  • Grand
  • Well then?
  • Well then what?
  • Why did you say awful?
  • I’m talking about this place
  • It’s lovely ma
  • You stay here then if it’s so lovely
  • What do you not like about it?
  • The food is shite
  • What did you have for your lunch?
  • Chicken and ham with carrots and potatoes and parsley sauce
  • Sounds lovely.
  • It was alright
  • Did you get dessert?
  • Jelly and ice cream
  • Very nice
  • It was alright
  • Did you not eat your lunch then?
  • Of course I ate it
  • It can’t have been that bad so
  • I was starving Bernie. I’d have eaten the leg of the table with no salt I was so hungry
  • Oh, did you not have breakfast then?
  • I did. Porridge,a boiled egg, brown bread,tea, toast and marmalade
  • Is that all? No wonder you were starving by lunch time two hours later..
  • Three hours actually
  • Marie said you’d a great time at the bingo last night and you really enjoyed the singalong on Saturday
  • What would Marie know?
  • She’s one of the carers ma. She sees you everyday. She said you love it and get on great with the other patients
  • Did she now?
  • She did ma
  • I sit with Rita at the Bingo
  • Ah that’s great that you’ve made a friend
  • …and Nora, she’s great at the singing
  • Two new friends?
  • There’s Eileen as well, but  she hasn’t a note in her head , she thinks she’s Vera Lynn.
  • They can’t all be good singers ma
  • It’s just as well most of them are deaf in here, that’s all I can say
  • Did you sing on Saturday night  ma?
  • Well, they insisted. I had no choice
  • Que sera sera?
  • You know I love a bit of Doris Day Bernie
  • I’d say you were great
  • I had to do an encore…The Black hills of Dakota
  • They’ll miss you when you go home ma
  • D’ye think so Bernie?
  • I know so ma…and you’ll miss them
  • No I won’t.
  • You will, just wait and see
  • I won’t
  • Not even Rita?
  • Well maybe Rita…
  • What about Nora and Eileen
  • Maybe Nora, but not Eileen
  • Because she’s a crap singer?
  • No, because she’s a pain in the arse!

Takes one to know one sometimes I suppose!

 

 

Advertisements

Driving Ms Maisie

You need nerves of steel when you’ve to bring ma to the hospital.

 

D 2017

  • What way are we going Bernie?
  • The way I always go ma
  • Do you not remember the traffic last time Bernie?
  • That was rush hour ma. It won’t be as busy this time
  • Maybe we’d be quicker bypassing the village
  • I am bypassing the village ma
  • Are you sure
  • Yes I’m sure ma
  • This looks like the same way we went last time
  • It is the same way we went last time ma
  • But remember how busy it was
  • I told you that was rush hour. It’s grand at this time of the morning
  • Mind that woman crossing the road Bernie
  • I see her ma
  • But you didn’t slow down
  • She’s miles away ma
  • You cant take any chances Bernie
  • I wont ma
  • What time is it now?
  • Ten past ten
  • Will we be on time Bernie?
  • Yes ma, we’ve loads of time.
  • Maybe we should have gone the other way
  • Oh for fuck sake
  • Language Bernadette
  • Oh you heard me?I thought you were deaf
  • Well I heard that
  • You hear what you want to hear
  • What?
  • I SAID WE’RE ALMOST THERE
  • Are we on time?
  • Your appointment is not until eleven
  • I like to be early
  • You will be early
  • The traffic seems to be building up
  • It’s just people crossing at the zebra crossing ma. There’s only three cars in front of us
  • Maybe we should have gone the other way
  • The other way is longer ma
  • I always went the other way when I was driving
  • Well I’m driving now
  • I’m only trying to be helpful Bernadette
  • I know ma, but you’re getting on me bleedin’ nerves
  • What did you say?
  • I SAID THIS ROAD HAS A LOT OF CURVES
  • I told you to go the other way
  • Jesus help me. What did I do to deserve this?
  • Why are we stopping at the chemist?
  • We’re not stopping at the chemist
  • That’s what you said
  • I didn’t.  Why didn’t you put in your hearing aid before we left
  • The village is to the left
  • I’M NOT GOING THROUGH THE VILLAGE. I TOLD YOU THAT
  • You just said you were turning left
  • Somebody please help me…
  • When I was driving…
  • Jaysis ma I know. When you were driving you used to go that way, BUT THIS IS THE WAY I GO. OKAY?
  • Sorry for speaking
  • I’m just trying to get you to your appointment on time ma
  • Are we on time Bernie?
  • YES MOTHER
  • Those lights ahead are  red Bernie
  • I CAN SEE THEM
  • I was just making an observation… I’ll stop talking now
  • That’d be reallllllly lovely
  • WHAT?
  • I SAID IS’NT THE WEATHER LOVELY?

 

I’m going to glue that fucking hearing aid to her ears, I swear to God