April goals and Alcoholliers #AtoZChallenge


Ok so as well as doing the AtoZ Challenge this month I’m also on a mission to lose weight before me alcoholliers. I could be fighting a losing battle because I get no encouragement from anyone in this gaff…


  • JIMMY!!
  • What?
  • What time is it?
  • It’s half past twelve
  • Well why does it say ten past eleven on these scales?
  • You’re standing on a weighing scales Bernie, not a bleedin’ clock
  • There’s a clock built into it
  • Who told you that?
  • Jason did when he bought it for me
  • Don’t be minding that fella, he’d say mass
  • But look it says 11.10 on the screen
  • That’s your weight Bernie…not the time
  • I’ve never been eleven stone in my life the bleedin’ cheek of you
  • Don’t blame me
  • I’ll kill that Jason fella
  • He didn’t eat cream cakes and chips Bernie, you did
  • Why would he even buy me a weighing scales anyway?
  • Because he asked you what you wanted for your birthday and you said, to lose weight, he was only being supportive
  • Supportive me hole
  • Well you know what to do now don’t you
  • I haven’t had a chip since last Friday…or a cream cake
  • Think on the positive side Bernie
  • What’s to be positive about?. I’m the size of an elephant
  • Well, it could be ten past eleven and you could be twelve and a half stone
  • Shurrup Jimmy!





  • How was the holiday Kylie?
  • Great ma, but I need a holiday to get over it
  • You didn’t get much of a tan did you?
  • The sun doesn’t shine indoors ma
  • I don’t know why you go away to the sun at all
  • Why?
  • You spend your whole time drinking and partying
  • That’s what holliers are for ma
  • Sure you could do that at home, save yourself a fortune
  • You sound like me nanny
  • I do not…wash your mouth out
  • You do
  • I’m only saying that it’s a shame to go away to the sun and not enjoy it
  • I did enjoy it
  • Did you even see the sun?
  • Yeah every morning on the way home
  • And you probably spent the day in bed
  • More or less yeah. I needed to build up me strength for the next night
  • You could have slept by the pool and got a tan at the same time
  • Sure by the time we got home the bleedin’ Germans already had their towels down. It’s impossible to get a sun bed by the pool
  •  Bloody Germans are always the same
  •  We got there before them one morning, there was murder
  • What happened
  •  ‘Zis iz my bed, you must move frauhlein, and where iz mein towel?
  • What did you say?
  • ‘I didn’t see your bleedin’ towel Adolf’ says I ‘now jog on son’ Then his bird started freaking out ‘I vill speak to ze manager. Vot haf you don wiz our towels?’Zis is our bed
  • I hope you told her to feck off,
  • I told her… “The sign says no towels on sunbeds before 8am, and we got here at 7 now back off Brunhilde , you’re blocking me sun”
  • The cheek of her
  • Anyway, they did feck off, but they arrived back an hour later when we were on our way to bed
  • So they got their beds back
  • No. we’d already given them  to two chaps from Glasgow
  • I’d like to have heard that conversation
  • ”Awee and bile yer head”
  • What?
  • That’s what the Scottish lads said to them
  • …and what does that mean?
  • Fucked if I know ma…but it got rid of them.


What am I rearing at all?

” She didn’t lick it off a stone” says Jimmy