Takeaway #AtoZChallenge

T 2017

  • I’m just ordering a Chinese ma, what would you like?
  • You know my stomach is not able for that spicy food Bernie
  • Chicken curry isn’t spicy
  • I’ll just have a breast of chicken, no sauce
  • Rice or noodles?
  • Chips
  • I thought you weren’t eating chips anymore because they’re too greasy
  • A few won’t harm me
  • Right so chicken and chips for you, chicken curry, fried rice and noodles for me. I’ll just go ring them now
  • Oh order me a curry sauce while you’re on
  • You just said you didn’t want anything spicy
  • But you can’t eat chips without curry sauce
  • You do on Fridays
  • That’s chipper chips. You have red sauce with chipper chips. You have curry sauce with Chinese chips
  • You could just have some of my chicken curry with chips so
  • Ah no, I told you I don’t want anything too spicy
  • But…
  • What?
  • Nothing ma…nothing. I’ll just go and order the food.
Advertisements

Queer as folk #AtoZChallenge

Q 2017

  • Olive Byrne’s young fella came out at the weekend ma
  • Out where?
  • You know…OUT. He told her he’s gay
  • Is he sure he’s gay? It could just be a phrase.
  • IT’S A PHASE MA
  • Exactly Bernie.You know what young people are like these days
  • I’m sure he knows if he’s gay or not ma
  • Wasn’t he over in America last summer?
  • What’s that got to do with anything?
  • Maybe that’s where he got the idea?
  • What idea?
  • To be gay Bernie
  • You don’t just decide to be gay ma. You’re born that way.
  • I’m not so sure Bernie
  • So you think he woke up one morning and said, ‘Hey I’m in America, I think I’ll be gay now’
  • Well he got it from somewhere
  • You’re born gay ma. You don’t just catch it, like the measles or the chicken pox
  • Well I don’t remember him being queer before he went over there
  • Stop saying queer ma
  • What?
  • YOU CAN’T SAY QUEER
  • It’s the same as gay.
  • Queer means a bit odd. He’s not odd.
  • Well gay used to mean happy.How come you can say gay and not queer.
  • You just can’t, and anyway you don’t go away and just come back gay
  • At least Olive will have someone to go shopping with now
  • So, because he’s gay, he’s going to go shopping with his mammy?
  • It’s what the gays do Bernadette.
  • How would you know what gays do ma?
  • I know more than you do Bernadette. I wonder does he know Barry and Mark?
  • Who?
  • The gays across the road Bernie.
  • Ma just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he knows everyone that’s gay
  • I must ask Leonard at the dancing this week
  • Ma, stop it
  • You’re right, Leonard is too old, I’ll just ask Barry and Mark so

 

Give me patience with this woman!

Driving Ms Maisie

You need nerves of steel when you’ve to bring ma to the hospital.

 

D 2017

  • What way are we going Bernie?
  • The way I always go ma
  • Do you not remember the traffic last time Bernie?
  • That was rush hour ma. It won’t be as busy this time
  • Maybe we’d be quicker bypassing the village
  • I am bypassing the village ma
  • Are you sure
  • Yes I’m sure ma
  • This looks like the same way we went last time
  • It is the same way we went last time ma
  • But remember how busy it was
  • I told you that was rush hour. It’s grand at this time of the morning
  • Mind that woman crossing the road Bernie
  • I see her ma
  • But you didn’t slow down
  • She’s miles away ma
  • You cant take any chances Bernie
  • I wont ma
  • What time is it now?
  • Ten past ten
  • Will we be on time Bernie?
  • Yes ma, we’ve loads of time.
  • Maybe we should have gone the other way
  • Oh for fuck sake
  • Language Bernadette
  • Oh you heard me?I thought you were deaf
  • Well I heard that
  • You hear what you want to hear
  • What?
  • I SAID WE’RE ALMOST THERE
  • Are we on time?
  • Your appointment is not until eleven
  • I like to be early
  • You will be early
  • The traffic seems to be building up
  • It’s just people crossing at the zebra crossing ma. There’s only three cars in front of us
  • Maybe we should have gone the other way
  • The other way is longer ma
  • I always went the other way when I was driving
  • Well I’m driving now
  • I’m only trying to be helpful Bernadette
  • I know ma, but you’re getting on me bleedin’ nerves
  • What did you say?
  • I SAID THIS ROAD HAS A LOT OF CURVES
  • I told you to go the other way
  • Jesus help me. What did I do to deserve this?
  • Why are we stopping at the chemist?
  • We’re not stopping at the chemist
  • That’s what you said
  • I didn’t.  Why didn’t you put in your hearing aid before we left
  • The village is to the left
  • I’M NOT GOING THROUGH THE VILLAGE. I TOLD YOU THAT
  • You just said you were turning left
  • Somebody please help me…
  • When I was driving…
  • Jaysis ma I know. When you were driving you used to go that way, BUT THIS IS THE WAY I GO. OKAY?
  • Sorry for speaking
  • I’m just trying to get you to your appointment on time ma
  • Are we on time Bernie?
  • YES MOTHER
  • Those lights ahead are  red Bernie
  • I CAN SEE THEM
  • I was just making an observation… I’ll stop talking now
  • That’d be reallllllly lovely
  • WHAT?
  • I SAID IS’NT THE WEATHER LOVELY?

 

I’m going to glue that fucking hearing aid to her ears, I swear to God

 

Chiropodist #AtoZChallenge

C (2)

  • I need to wash me feet Bernie
  • What’s the occasion ma?
  • You’re very funny aren’t you?
  • I do me best ma
  • You’re not to old to get a slap from me for being cheeky you know
  • Woohoo, leave it out will ye ma
  • You’re very bold
  • Sorry mammy
  • Don’t you mammy me
  • Alright Sorry Maisie. Why are you washing your feet?
  • The chiropodist is coming to cut my nails
  • I’ll get me crash helmet so
  • I’m warning you Bernadette
  • Oooh scary mammy. I’ll go get the foot spa

 

 

Ah you just have to wind her up sometimes  🙂

 

Breakfast in bed #AtoZChallenge

God love her. Poor Maisie doesn’t eat much! I don’t know how she’s surviving  :p

B (2)

 

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernie
  • Are you having breakfast?
  • I’m not really hungry this morning
  • I’ll make you a cup of tea anyway
  • Are you having something?
  • Not yet. You know I don’t eat first thing in the morning
  • Well I won’t bother either
  • Jaysis ma. Just because I’m not hungry doesn’t mean you’re not to eat
  • I’ll have something small so
  • I’ll make you a rasher sandwich
  • Lovely, I haven’t had a rasher in ages
  • Phil said she cooked rashers on Sunday for you
  • For herself you mean. I had none
  • Hmm, whatever you say
  • WHAT?
  • I’LL JUST GO MAKE THE TEA
  • Sure I may as well have a sausage as well Bernie
  • O.K. ma
  • …and if there’s any eggs left, I’ll have one, oh and a tomato would be nice
  • I’ll just make you a fry up ma
  • Ah no, I wouldn’t eat a full fry Bernie. I’m not really hungry
  • So you’ll just have rasher, sausage, egg and tomato, tea and toast but you’re not hungry and you don’t want a full fry?
  • Well if it’s too much bother I’ll just have the slice of toast
  • I never said it was any bother
  • Well what’s the delay?
  • Jaysis, you’re not even out of the bed yet and you’re annoying me
  • WHAT?
  • I’LL JUST GO PUT THE FRY ON AND BRING YOU A CUP OF TEA
  • …and a bit of white pudding if there’s any left
  • Do you want one or two slices of toast?
  • No, just the one thanks Bernie. I’m not that hungry

 

‘I eat like a bird’ I heard her say to Mrs. Casey next door the other day. ‘Yeah, a fucking gannet ma’ says I. She wasn’t pleased.’I do not Bernie’ says she ‘I  eat very little’.  ‘The neighbours will think we’re starving you ma’ says I. ‘Feck the neighbours’ says she.  Jaysis lads, I’d better go defrost a few chickens from the freezer for her dinner tomorrow  :p

 

The Big Reveal… Ma and me

atoz2017

 

I hate to tell you but I’ll be talking the same aul shite through April. The only difference it will be with my mammy. She’s not as young as she used to be and so she needs a bit of looking after. I’ll be spending a lot of the month of April with her, so what better way to vent my frustrations ( yeah I do get a bit hyper when I have to spend a lot of time with me ma…don’t judge me until you’ve tried it) than to put it all down on paper and share with with my blogging buddies. Bear with me lads because I’m sure it won’t all be fun and games in ma’s gaf. If you’re offending by bad language ( me), and swearing (ma) you’d better stay clear. See yis all in April.  😉 I would appreciate the support and some words of wisdom and maybe some shoulders to cry on when I eventually hit the vodka. ( Only buzzing with yis, she’s not that bad …we’ll see )