I bumped into Danny De Vito on the way back from the shops. Well actually, I was passing his house and he was in his garden hanging the star of Bethlehem on his pergola. I was trying not to make eye contact but he ran out when he saw me.

• Hello there. Bernie isn’t it?
• Oh, hiya Danny. I mean, em hello…
• Daniel. Daniel Hayes. I didn’t realise you knew my name?
• Sorry?
• Just call me Dan.
• Are you serious? Have you been talking to Julie?
• Who?
• Never mind. Pleased to meet you Danny. Sorry, Dan.
• About the other night, when the police came.
• Oh right. I’m sorry about that. I really thought you were being burgled and it looked like Balthazer was trying to nick your car.
• I want to apologise for being so rude.
• Rude? Were you? I didn’t notice.
• You were just being a concerned neighbour.
• Are you sure you weren’t talking to Julie?
• I don’t know a Julie.
• She’s my best friend. Anyway no need to apologise.
• Yes I do. It was just a shock to see those coppers at my door in the middle of the night. I thought they …
• Thought they what?
• Oh, er, nothing. forget it.
• You did look very pale.
• Yeah , it was a shock. Memories of Christmas past and all that.
• Oh really?
• Sorry, I’ve said too much.
• No you haven’t at all.
• Anyway, thanks again for being a good neighbour.
• Everybody needs good neighbours. Sorry, I sound like an Australian soap.
• No worries. Nice reindeer by the way. Give me a shout if you want a hand to finish decorating.
• I am finished.
• Really? Oh, right. Lovely.
• Thanks. Are you ok, Danny?
• I’m grand Bernie, thanks. Bye now. I have to go.

He didn’t look grand to be honest with you. He looked very shaken. Kept looking up and down the road the whole time we were talking. Very shifty like.

I rang Jimmy as soon as I got into the house.

• Hey Bernie, what’s up?
• Jimmy. I think Danny De Vito is in Witness Protection.