Cry me a river #AprilatoZchallenge

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I thought I had it bad looking after me ma. She has us run ragged; up and down the stairs day and night because she refuses to get out of the bloody bed.

She has her breakfast dinner and tea up there. No sooner am I down the stairs, trying to have a bit to eat meself, when she’s banging on the floor with her walking stick. But, holy god, some people have it worse than us; Jackie Byrne for example. I bumped into her in Lidl the other day. The poor girl looked worn out. I say girl, but my god, she looked like an old woman…

  • Howya Bernie.
  • Jackie, long time no see. How are things?
  • Not too bad Bernie, they could be worse I suppose, how’s your ma?
  • She’s grand Jackie, just old age getting her down. She’s taken to her bed since Christmas and she has us all running after her like blue arsed flies.
  • Cry me a river, Bernie; sure me da’s the same since me ma died.
  • I was sorry to hear about your ma Jackie; lovely woman she was.
  • I know, I’m heartbroken Bernie.
  • Ah Jackie, and there’s me giving out about my ma and you’d give anything to have yours back.
  • It’s alright Bernie, sure we all give out about our folks at one stage or another, and I know how you feel. Da has me run off me feet, I haven’t a minute to meself between looking after him and me own.
  • How’s he keeping these days?
  • He’s in good form but missing me ma something terrible. she did everything for him, and now I’ve to carry on where she left off. I’m his sole carer now. The joys of being an only child wha’?
  • I thought you had an older brother.
  • I thought I did too, but since Leslie moved to Waterford, we’ve hardly seen him.
  • Does he not come up to visit or help out with your da?
  • Are you having a laugh? That lazy fucker wouldn’t  scratch his arse, never mind help me da.
  • It’s a long way from Waterford but.
  • Not too far to come scrounging for a few bob off me poor ma and da when his dole ran out.
  • Oh, is he still out of work?
  • Work? Would ye stop. If there was work in the bed, that fella would sleep on the floor.
  • You should ring him, ask him to help out sometime.
  • I’ll wring his neck Bernie, that’s about it. Look it, I’d better run, me da will be waiting. It’s shower day today.
  • You’ve to shower your da by yourself?
  • Yeah, jesus help me. I never thought I’d see the day that I’d be scrubbing me da’s willy, but there you go. Haha; You never know what’s round the corner.
  • Ah Jackie, I don’t know how you keep your sense of humour with all you’ve to do.
  • If I didn’t laugh I’d cry, Bernie; and if I start crying, sure I’d probably never stop.

…and I think I have it bad 😦

 

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Euro Welcome home

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  • Howya Bernie. Have you been away on your holliers again?
  • Ah howya Alison. I wish. Me sister wasn’t well. I was stayin’ with her for a while to give her a hand with the kids.
  • Aww, I hope she’s ok love. What was wrong with her?
  • She had a fall and broke her leg, been on crutches for the past six weeks but she got the cast off the other day and is doing grand
  • Ah that’s good. Glad she’s ok
  • Not a bother on her now, and I’m glad to be home
  • I missed you going in and out
  • Did Jimmy not tell you where I was?
  • I haven’t seen much of him to be honest. He was up and gone to work before I got out of the bed, you know I don’t get up early, and I was usually gone to bed by the time he got home
  • You must be going to bed very early these days hun
  • No, about ten or eleven o’clock
  • He never said he was workin’ late every night
  • Ah he probably wanted to keep busy when you were away
  • Busy down the pub and in his mas ye mean
  • Ah don’t tell him I said anything hun. He’ll think I’ve been spying on him
  • I’ll say nothin’ Alison. It doesn’t take Jimmy too long to hang himself
  • Ah Jimmy is great. Look he even has the flags out for you coming home
  • They’re not for me hun, they’re for the Euros
  • All the same,I bet he’s dying to see you. Does he know you’re home ?
  •  No, I thought I’d surprise him
  • Oh it’ll be a surprise aright
  • How d’ye mean?
  • He’s not in. I saw him getting into a van with his brothers about half an hour ago
  • The work van?
  • No, it was a transit van, painted green white and orange. Lovely it was
  • I’ll bleedin’ kill him
  • Why?
  • He’s obviously fecked off to France early for the Euros
  • Ah that’s nice for him
  • Isn’t it just
  • Anyway, welcome home Bernie
  • Ye, welcome bleedin’ home Bernie…

Running away

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My friend Lynda has been saving her running away money since she got married thirty years ago. She’s fifty now and still hasn’t gone further than Galway for a weekend with the girls. She came over yesterday…

  • I’m running away Bernie
  • Again?
  • What do you mean?
  • Nothing. Where are you going?
  • I don’t know
  • What are you running from?
  • From him
  • What has he done now?
  • He’s just getting on my nerves
  • You can’t run away because someone’s getting on your nerves
  • I can and I will
  • Jasus you’re not eight years old Lyn
  • I wish I was eight years old Bernie. Back in my mas’ gaff, with not a care in the world
  • What cares do you have?
  • Him; sitting at home all day scratching his arse watching Jeremy Kyle
  • He can’t help losing his job
  • He could get another one…get him out of my hair
  • But he’s tried Lyn. You told me he applied for loads of jobs
  • He could try harder
  • Jobs aren’t that easy to get these days you know, especially for men of Dave’s age
  • He’s not that old Bernie
  • I never said he was old
  • You implied it
  • I did not
  • Dave is very fit for forty eight you know
  • I’m sure he is Lynda, but Dave is fifty two
  • Who told you he was fifty-two?
  • His ma did. He is my cousin remember
  • Oh yeah. Keep it quiet will you. Dave’s very sensitive about his age
  • He’s not the only one
  • What do you mean?
  • Sure you’ve been forty for the past ten years Lynda
  • I have not Bernie Rose Violet…it’s only been five
  • Yeah right
  • OK… eight
  • Whatever you say Lynda
  • Who are you today, the age police ?
  • You started it
  • I did not. When?
  • When you said Dave was very fit for forty eight
  • Well he is. He’d give young fellas half his age a run for their money
  • I’m sure he would Lyn
  • He would Bernie. Now can we stop talking about how old we are please
  • No problem. So when are you going?
  • Going where?
  • You said you were running away
  • Oh right. I don’t know yet
  • Where will you go?
  • Em, I don’t know yet
  • Let me know yeah
  • Right Bernie
  • Will you have another cuppa?
  • No, I’d better go. I’ve to make his dinner
  • Right so. Will I see you for Bingo later?
  • Yeah , Dave said he’ll give me a lift
  • What about Jeremy Kyle?
  • He doesn’t play Bingo
  • Very funny.
  • It will be over by then. He’ll drop me off  before Masterchef starts
  • That’s nice of him
  • Ah yeah, he doesn’t like me getting the bus. He’s very good like that
  • I thought he was getting on your nerves?
  • He is…he was…ah he’s alright I suppose. He’s not the worst
  • He’s lovely
  • Yeah he is lovely isn’t he?
  • See you later so
  • Right Bernie. I’d better run. I didn’t realise the time. Dave will be starving
  • Bye Lyn
  • Bye Bernie.

Jasus!!