Off her trolley

 

 

a&EMaisie is in hospital after having a bit of a fall. She’ll be OK but the doctors are keeping an eye on her for a few days because she banged her head. She gets regular visits from the doctor and his team to ask her a series of questions to make sure the knock to her head didn’t affect her memory. We were in A&E for over twenty four hours waiting for a bed.

  • Good morning Margaret and how are you?
  • You can call me Maisie, only my poor mother called me Margaret, lord rest her
  • So how are we feeling this morning?
  • Well, I’m grand, considering I never got a wink of sleep, there’s nothing but winos and junkies causing commotion all night and there’s hardly any staff on duty…and how are you?
  • Fine…fine…I’m fine. So, I have the results of your X ray and everything seems fine
  • So, can I go home ?
  • No, I’m sorry, we’ll be holding on to you for a few days Marg…em Maisie
  • Oh so you have a bed for me then?
  • Not yet, soon
  • You said that last night son, and I’ll tell you this for nothing, I’m not spending another night on this bloody trolley on a corridor for every passerby to gawp at
  • I’m sorry, but we’re very busy and…
  • Would you allow your mother spend a night in this place?
  • Well, I wouldn’t like to, no
  • Well there you go. If it’s not good enough for your mother, why should it  be good enough for me?
  • Emmm, I just wanted to ask you a few questions if that’s ok
  • More questions?
  • It won’t take long
  • You asked me loads of questions when I got here, and your friend asked me the same ones again at ten o’clock last night. Do you not tell each other anything in this place?
  • I need to ask again I’m sorry. We need to make sure…
  • …that I haven’t lost me marbles…yeah yeah
  • No, it’s not that, it’s…
  • Oh just ask me for Gods sake
  • Do you know what day it is today?
  • Well, I was brought in on Monday, I’m still on a trolley in A&E waiting for a bed, so it must be….Friday?
  • It’s Tuesday
  • Is that all? It feels longer, these bloody trolleys would kill your back
  • Can you tell me what year it is?
  • Well it feels like 1974 and I’m in an episode of M.A.S.H but rumour has it it’s 2018
  • Do you know who the President is?
  • Why? Is he looking for a bed?
  • No no no, I just need to know if you can tell me his name
  • Just as well, he’d be a long time waiting
  • His name?
  • Oh is it not Mary McAleese anymore?
  • No, I’m afraid not
  • Mary Robinson?
  • he was before Mary McAleese
  • Very good doctor, and who was before her?
  • I’m meant to be asking you the questions
  • Aww do you not know the answer..it’s Patrick Hillery
  • ….
  • What are you looking at me like that for?Patrick Hillery was so the president before Mary Robinson, and O’Dálaigh was before him
  • But who is the president now?
  • Michael D is of course…well he was before I checked in to this place. They could have had another election the length of time I’m lying here waiting for a bed
  • Yes, it is still Michael D
  • Lovely man, and his wife is lovely too; what’s her name again? Sabrina, isn’t it?
  • Sabina
  • That’s it, Sabina; She must’ve dropped the ‘R’. Sabrina isn’t very presidents wife is it?
  • Can you remember what year you were born?
  • I can
  • Can you tell me?
  • No
  • So you can’t remember?
  • Yes I can but I’m not telling you
  • But…
  • I told you yesterday, and I told your colleague last night…a ladies age is her own business and nothing to do with you so don’t ask me again, now feck off with your questions
  • I’ve just a few more….
  • I’ve a question for you doctor
  • Yes?
  • When am I getting a bed?
  • I don’t actually know yet Marg…Maisie
  • Well, I’ll tell you what; When you have the answer to that one, come back to me
  • I’ll see what I can do
  • Bye now
  • I’ll come back later
  • Well, only if  it’s to tell me you either have a bed for me or I can go home
  • But…
  • But nothing, and tell that nurse to bring me a cup of tea. I’m bloody parching

 

I’m surprised they gave her a bed at all  :p

 

 

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Bread and Milk ; sure what else would you need in preparation for a snow storm?

I’m just back from the shops. It’s like Christmas Eve 1975 down there. People panic buying anything they can get their hands on. There’s not a slice of bread left on the shelves in SuperValu, not even a scone to be got. They’ve sold out of milk  as well. What is wrong with people, and why is it always bread and milk they panic over?

OK so there’s a storm on the way. We’ve got a five day weather warning, but jaysis how many bleedin’ sliced pans are you going to eat in five days? I got talking to a neighbour at the check out. She could barely push her trolley

 

  • There y’are Bernie, are you all set?
  • Hiya Mrs. Burke, am I set for what?
  • For the  beast from the east
  • Ah stop, I’m sick listening about it. A few days snow is all it is
  • Do you not remember the big snow of 1982 Bernie?
  • Yeah, I remember the bread man being hijacked on his delivery round
  • No one was prepared. People turned to crime due to starvation
  • They weren’t starving. They were just little gobshites on the rob
  • They were probably just trying to feed their family Bernie
  • My arse…They ate all the cream cakes and sold the bread for three times what it was worth, the little skangers
  • Well then, I only have to pay supermarket prices. At least I won’t be ripped off
  • Ye think? When was the last time you needed all that bread? Sure the shelves will be stocked up again in no time. It’s the supermarkets that are scaremongering people into stock piling
  • You just never know Bernie. You don’t have much shopping in your basket;Were there no trolleys left?
  • I don’t need much. I only came in for a few bits
  • A jar of coffee and and a tray of coke won’t  get you far
  • I’ve got vodka at home, but you have enough to feed the five thousand Mrs. B
  • Well you can’t be too careful. God knows when the shops will be open again
  • The shops aren’t closing
  • Well they’ll have to if they’ve no food on the shelves
  • They’ll only have no food if people keep panic buying. How many loaves of bread have you got in there
  • Twelve; I don’t want to be caught out
  • I thought all your family emigrated
  • That’s right Bernie,there’s just meself and himself left
  • You must like bread then?
  • It’s handy for sandwiches
  • Emm…yeah, whatever
  • And nice with a drop of soup
  • Right, and I see you’ve bought a few packets of soup as well ( There were at least 15 packets in her trolley)
  • Himself likes soup
  • Lets hope  there’s not a water shortage then
  • Oh I never thought of that
  • I’m only messin’ with you missus B.
  • Here will you watch my trolley for a few minutes, I just want to run back  and get a few bottles of water

( she came back with two twelve packs of still bottled water)

  • Are you sure you have enough there love?
  • I’ll ring himself and get him to pick up a few more on his way home from work

(Some people just don’t get sarcasm )

  • Better to be safe than sorry
  • Here do you want one of me batch loaves Bernie? Was there no bread left for you?
  • No, you’re grand  missus. I only bought a Vienna roll in the bakers earlier
  • Only one? Seriously? Jesus, that’s not enough, here take one of mine…no take two.
  • No, I told you, I’m grand
  • I insist
  • No, honestly. Oh look the self service check out is open again. I’ll see you later missus Burke
  • Here put this bread in your basket
  • No, you’re grand, honestly
  • Please
  • No
  • Take a bit of bread will you for God’s sake
  • Jesus , calm down will you missus, I don’t need anymore bread
  • Just take the one then Bernie
  • I wouldn’t like to see you leaving yourself short ( sarcasm again )
  • I’ll be grand. I have another four in the deep freeze at home
  • I don’t want … ah fuck it…

 

I came home with two of her sliced pans, a batch loaf and four litres of milk. Now Jimmy thinks I’m part of the panic buying brigade…but sure, like yer woman said..you never know.

 

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