A New Tears day

 

A

So, I’m back. It’s been a long time and a lot has happened since 2018, and  if New Years day was anything to go by, I’m in for a rough ride in 2019.  The year started  off in me mas…

I had the mother of all hangovers after the New Years Eve celebrations. We had a great night with all the gang, we drank and sang;we rang in the bells at twelve and it should have ended there, but I  couldn’t go home after the pub like a normal person could I? Oh no, Bernie had to go to a party afterwards, even though she knew she’d to look after her ma the next day.

I barely made it in her front door to the kitchen sink when she was shouting down the stairs…

  • Bernie. Is that you?
  • Bernie.
  • Yeah.
  • What are you doing down there?
  • Nothing, I’ll be up in a minute
  • Are you getting sick?
  • BERNIE
  • I’m coming. I’m coming.

How the hell did she hear me puking? She can hardly hear me talking when I’m standing right next to her. Well, so she claims anyway.

  • Hiya ma.
  • Holy mother of the divine lord, what’s wrong with you? You’re like death warmed up.
  • I think I got food poisoning ma.
  • You didn’t reheat that turkey again did you? What did I tell you about that?
  • What was left of my turkey went in the bin last week ma.
  • So what was it then?
  • Prawns, I think.
  • Why do you be eating that foreign muck? No wonder you’re sick.
  • Prawns aren’t foreign ma.
  • I never cooked a prawn in me life and I’ve never had food poisoning. You always have to be different, Bernie.
  • What’s so different from a DUBLIN BAY prawn?
  • It’s far from seafood you were reared. I don’t know where you got these notions from.
  • Look ma, I’m not feeling too good, so can you stop with the lecture please.
  • Did you vomit into my kitchen sink?
  • I’ll clean it up.
  • Jesus Mary and holy saint Joseph, Bernie. How old are you?If one of the kids did that you’d kill them.
  • I din’t do it on purpose ma.
  • You should have stayed at home if you’re sick.
  • I wish I could have ma but there was no one else to come to you today.
  • If Bernard was here, he’d have come.
  • Well, Saint Bernard sunning his arse beside a pool in Lanzarote, with a beer in his hand so I’m sorry, but you’re stuck with me. Now, I need a cup of tea, do you want one?
  • I’d better not, Bernie. I wouldn’t want to catch anything.
  • You can’t catch food poisoning ma.
  • Well, I’d better not all the same.
  • Right you are, ma. call me if you change your mind.

She did change her mind of course; She wouldn’t get out of the bed and she had me running up and down the stairs all day with snacks and drinks, with not a thought for me not being very well.

If she only knew I was sick from drink, I’d never hear the end of it.

Happy New Years my arse.

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Frozen

 

  • Alright Bernie
  • I’m frozen Jimmy, put the kettle on will you
  • Where were you?
  • I went for a walk with Julie
  • In this weather?
  • I didn’t realise how cold it was. I was going mad looking at the four walls
  • It’s bleedin’ Baltic
  • Ah sure I was well wrapped up
  • You could have relapsed
  • Don’t be stupid Jimmy
  • Don’t come moaning to me if you get that flu back
  • Why would I moan to you? You’re the one who moaned about having the flu, not me.
  • I nearly died Bernie
  • You had the flu Jimmy, not the feckin’ Bubonic Plague
  • You’ve no sympathy. People died from the Aussie flu
  • Who? Who died Jimmy?
  • Well I don’t know them personally but I read it in the paper
  • Oh well if you read it in the paper it must be true
  • Conor McGregor had it
  • What’s that got to do with the price of turnips?
  • I’m just saying, him and his entire family were struck down with it over the New Year. Some of them were hospitalised
  • Did they die?
  • No but…
  • So why are you even going on about them?
  • I was only telling you
  • Oh forget it. What’s for dinner?
  • I haven’t been to the shops yet. I just came back for me purse
  • Oh right. I fancy a bit of steak
  •  I don’t think I’ll bother going back out now now
  • Why? What about me dinner?
  • Imagine if I relapsed in the butchers ?
  • You’re just talking silly now
  • You said yourself, it’s Baltic out there
  • Sure can’t you take the car Bernie, come on I’ll make you a cuppa first
  • Jaysis… You’re all heart Jimmy