Tea

T

What is it about tea that Irish people think it solves all problems?

I’m pregnant…have a cup of tea

I crashed the car…you need a nice strong cup of tea for your nerves

My fella broke up with me…he didn’t deserve you love, sit down and I’ll make you a cup of tea, you can tell me all about it

Me granny died…Lord rest her, I’ll make a pot of tea

Jimmy came home one evening in a rotten mood

  • What’s wrong with you?
  • Nothing
  • There must be something wrong Jimmy, you’re like a demon
  • I am not
  • You are so
  • I might be out of a job
  • What? How?
  • It’s this bleedin’ recession Bernie. There’s no work
  • I thought you were up to your eyes building houses
  • We were
  • So what happened?
  • No one is buying houses anymore
  • Of course they are
  • Well they want to buy them but the bank isn’t lending them money so they can’t
  • Fucking bankers
  • My sentiments exactly Bernie
  • So when are you finished work?
  • We’ve a meeting with the union on Monday
  • So it’s not definite?
  • Nothing is definite, but it’s looking bad
  • That’s shocking Jimmy
  • I know. I’ve been working with them for the past twenty five years. What am I going to do?
  • I’ll put the kettle on
  • What?
  • I’ll make you a nice cup of tea
  • Fuck tea. I’m going for a pint
  • Right so
  • Are you coming?
  • Are you not meeting the lads?
  • I am, but you come too
  • Ah no, you go on
  • Right so. I won’t be long
  • Take your time Jimmy
  • See you later Bernie

Some problems need tea, but some problems definitely need a pint

guinness

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Running away

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My friend Lynda has been saving her running away money since she got married thirty years ago. She’s fifty now and still hasn’t gone further than Galway for a weekend with the girls. She came over yesterday…

  • I’m running away Bernie
  • Again?
  • What do you mean?
  • Nothing. Where are you going?
  • I don’t know
  • What are you running from?
  • From him
  • What has he done now?
  • He’s just getting on my nerves
  • You can’t run away because someone’s getting on your nerves
  • I can and I will
  • Jasus you’re not eight years old Lyn
  • I wish I was eight years old Bernie. Back in my mas’ gaff, with not a care in the world
  • What cares do you have?
  • Him; sitting at home all day scratching his arse watching Jeremy Kyle
  • He can’t help losing his job
  • He could get another one…get him out of my hair
  • But he’s tried Lyn. You told me he applied for loads of jobs
  • He could try harder
  • Jobs aren’t that easy to get these days you know, especially for men of Dave’s age
  • He’s not that old Bernie
  • I never said he was old
  • You implied it
  • I did not
  • Dave is very fit for forty eight you know
  • I’m sure he is Lynda, but Dave is fifty two
  • Who told you he was fifty-two?
  • His ma did. He is my cousin remember
  • Oh yeah. Keep it quiet will you. Dave’s very sensitive about his age
  • He’s not the only one
  • What do you mean?
  • Sure you’ve been forty for the past ten years Lynda
  • I have not Bernie Rose Violet…it’s only been five
  • Yeah right
  • OK… eight
  • Whatever you say Lynda
  • Who are you today, the age police ?
  • You started it
  • I did not. When?
  • When you said Dave was very fit for forty eight
  • Well he is. He’d give young fellas half his age a run for their money
  • I’m sure he would Lyn
  • He would Bernie. Now can we stop talking about how old we are please
  • No problem. So when are you going?
  • Going where?
  • You said you were running away
  • Oh right. I don’t know yet
  • Where will you go?
  • Em, I don’t know yet
  • Let me know yeah
  • Right Bernie
  • Will you have another cuppa?
  • No, I’d better go. I’ve to make his dinner
  • Right so. Will I see you for Bingo later?
  • Yeah , Dave said he’ll give me a lift
  • What about Jeremy Kyle?
  • He doesn’t play Bingo
  • Very funny.
  • It will be over by then. He’ll drop me off  before Masterchef starts
  • That’s nice of him
  • Ah yeah, he doesn’t like me getting the bus. He’s very good like that
  • I thought he was getting on your nerves?
  • He is…he was…ah he’s alright I suppose. He’s not the worst
  • He’s lovely
  • Yeah he is lovely isn’t he?
  • See you later so
  • Right Bernie. I’d better run. I didn’t realise the time. Dave will be starving
  • Bye Lyn
  • Bye Bernie.

Jasus!!