Elvis

Elvis… Always on my mind

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 10 Comments

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!

 

 

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Balls

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 4 Comments

golf-flag-19th-hole-md

Jimmy got some bad news down the pub last night. He was a bit upset when he came home

  • You’ll never guess who’s dead Bernie
  • Who
  • Guess
  • I don’t know
  • You’ll never guess
  • Well tell me then
  • Just guess tho’
  • Why do you always do this
  • Do what
  • Turn everything into a guessing game. Just bleedin’ tell me
  • But just guess
  • Elvis
  • Ah fuck off Bernie .Everyone knows Elvis is dead
  • Michael Jackson
  • You’re messin’ Bernie
  • Clint Eastwood
  • No, it’s someone we know
  • I know Clint
  • Clint Eastwood isn’t dead Bernie, and you don’t know him
  • Oh, I’m thinking of Barney Eastwood
  • You don’t know him either
  • Well just tell me then. Do I know them
  • Of course you know them. I wouldn’t be asking you to guess if you didn’t know them
  • Give us a clue
  • He drinks down the pub
  • Everyone we know drinks down the pub Jimmy
  • It’s a man
  • Jack Byrne
  • No
  • Paul Duggan
  • No
  • I give up, tell me
  • Shaymo Lawlor
  • No way
  • Yeah way. I knew you’d never guess
  • He’s only your age Jimmy
  • I know, scary isn’t it
  • I thought you were going to say one of the aul lads from the back bar
  • Gods waiting room ye mean
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • Sure jaysis, they’re all half dead Bernie, and there’s Shaymo fit as a fiddle, cut down in his prime
  • Not that fit Jimmy, he’s dead
  • That’s brutal
  • Aww, poor Shaymo. How did it happen
  • Massive heart attack on the golf course
  • That’s shocking
  • I know. This is why I never took up golf Bernie. You’re always hearing of chaps kicking the bucket on the golf course
  • You never took up golf because you said it’s boring
  • Well that as well
  • It’s hardly a strenuous sport like
  • It’s more of a social sport
  • Like snooker ye mean
  • There’s nothing wrong with snooker
  • I never said there was
  • You were being smart Bernie. I played football in me day
  • I know. Sure didn’t I spend most of me Saturdays off standing on the sidelines cheering you on Jimmy
  • You did Ber, you did. Those were the days
  • You were a great footballer in your day love
  • What do you mean, in my day? I can still kick a football
  • I’m sure you can
  • I’m not dead yet
  • Look at poor Shaymo, he could kick a football too Jimmy
  • He’s kicked the bucket now Ber. Poor sod, never knew what hit him. I’d like to go like that.
  • But you don’t play golf Jimmy
  • I mean ,out with the lads, having the craic
  • I thought he was on the golf course
  • Well he was having a few pints at the nineteenth hole, same thing
  • So it wasn’t the golf that killed him
  • Golf doesn’t kill ye Bernie
  • It does if you get hit hard enough in the head by a golf ball
  • That’s shocking Bernie. The poor chap is barely cold and you’re making jokes
  • Ah sorry Jimmy
  • Ah, I’m only messin’, Shaymo would have thought it was funny
  • Shaymo was very fond of the beer. I’d say that didn’t do him any favours health-wise
  • Nothing wrong with a few pints Bernie
  • A few yeah, but no need to go mad
  • Look who’s talking. I’ve seen you skull more than a few when you’re with the girls
  • Not every night tho’ Jimmy. Shaymo was down that pub every night
  • He liked the banter with the lads.
  • …and the beer
  • Sure that’s the whole point of going the pub Bernie…beer and banter
  • You’ll be drinking in Gods waiting room soon
  • I will in me arse.
  • You won’t be taking up golf then
  • No way. I’ll stick to me snooker for now. Golf is too dangerous
  • It’s all balls to me Jimmy
  • That’s harsh Bernie

R.I.P. Shaymo

Cougar

~ Diary of a Dublin housewife ~ 8 Comments

cougar

Me ma’s cousin Connie  went away with her pal Maeve on a Mediterranean cruise for a month. She came home last weekend and told ma she met a fella and they’re getting married. He’s years younger than her. Well, Jimmy couldn’t believe it when I told him.

  • Is she off her rocker?
  • She said they’re in love
  • In love my arse, she’s twice his age
  • Ah no she’s not that old
  • She’s old enough to be his mother…his grandmother even
  • You always exaggerate things Jimmy. Anyway, if he was older than her, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid
  • Young women with older men don’t look as bad as young men with aul ones
  • Ah that’s shocking talk
  • I’m only telling the truth. How would you like our Jack having it off with Mrs. Byrne up the road
  • Fuck off Jimmy, that’s disgusting. Mrs. Byrne is older than me ma
  • I rest my case
  • But I wouldn’t want Whitney marrying Mr. Byrne either
  • Ah Jaysus no Bernie, Paddy Byrne is a mouldy old git
  • Well, you just said it’s ok for young ones to be with aul fellas
  • Well not my young one. The others can do what they like
  • That’s double standards
  • I don’t give a shite what it is; Whitney is not marrying Paddy Byrne, or any other dirty aul lad
  • You’ve changed your tune then
  • Well, I still think Connie is making a fool of herself marrying that foreign schoolboy
  • He’s not a school boy. There you go exaggerating again. He’s nearly forty, Connie is only sixty eight.
  • Well when he’s sixty, she’ll be ninety
  • Oh God yeah, I didn’t think of that
  • No, I’m sure Spiros or whatever his name is didn’t either. He’s only thinking of the money
  • His name is Yanni, and maybe he doesn’t know she has money
  • Of course he does Bernie. These fellas are well up
  • She looks great for her age tho’ maybe she didn’t tell him how old she was
  • Well, with the amount of lifts she’s had, I’m surprised she doesn’t look like Joan bleedin’ Rivers
  • Joan Rivers is dead Jimmy
  • I know Bernie
  • Connie had a boob lift, and a few shots of Botox, that’s all
  • That’s all? For fuck sake Bernie do you think that’s normal?
  • I wouldn’t mind a bit of Botox meself
  • Are you out of your tree? You’re not pumping that rat poison into your face
  • It’s not rat poison. I know a few women that had it done. They look great
  • For how long though Bernie? It all has to drop eventually. That young fella Connie is hooked up with is in for a shock when she stops with the face injections
  • He’s getting older too you know
  • Well he’s hardly going to catch up with her is he? Anyway, as soon as he gets an Irish passport and his hands on her money, he’ll be off looking for fresh meat, younger meat
  • Ah that’s horrible thing to say. You don’t know, maybe he does love her
  • Ah Bernie, wise up will ye. Anyone can see he’s only after her for the money
  • You’re very cynical Jimmy
  • Look at the facts love…She’s the merry widow dripping with jewellery on a Mediterranean cruise…he’s a local fisherman from Paxos with not a bean to his name and still living with his ma
  • But she’s so happy, her eyes light up every time she talks about him
  • Ye, and I bet his eyes light up every time he thinks of her bank account
  • I’d just love her to be happy. She’s been alone for so long. It’s ten years since her Matt died. Loneliness is a terrible thing you know
  • …and that scut of a young fella is taking advantage of her loneliness
  • Aww  I hope not Jimmy
  •  It’s all going to end in tears, and they won’t be his
  • If only she’d met someone her own age
  • Like Paddy Byrne?
  • Fuck off, she wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole, the smelly git
  • He’d be too old for her anyway, he’s the same age as her
  • You’re bleedin’ terrible you are
  • …and he’s married
  • Poor Connie
  • Poor Mrs. Byrne
  • Maybe now that she’s home a few days Connie will come to her senses
  • What do you mean?
  • She’ll realise it was just a holiday romance
  • She’d want to come to her senses before he lands in Dublin airport
  • He’s been on the phone to her everyday since she got home
  • He’s afraid of losing the goose that’s laying the golden egg Bernie
  • I wonder if she’s paying for his flight
  • You’d better believe it
  • She’s floating on cloud nine Jimmy. I’ve never seen her so happy
  • How long will it last though?
  • We’ll have to keep an eye on him
  • I’ll bring him down the pub for a man to man chat
  • Yeah, let him know we won’t let him mess her about
  • Fair play to her though when you think of it
  • What do you mean Jimmy?
  • I never met a real life cougar.
  • She still has it hasn’t she, cousin Connie
  • Cousin Connie the Cougar wha’? There’s a country and western song in there Bernie
  • Those songs never end well Jimmy
  • Great lyrics though
  • Like Achy Breaky heart you mean?
  • No ‘There’s a guy works down the chip shop swears he’s Elvis’
  • Fuck off Jimmy or you’ll be singing  D.I.V.O.R.C.E
  • Ah you’ll always ‘Stand by your man‘ Bernie

Men !