Recovery

R

I thought I was great after the colonoscopy procedure but when Jimmy picked me up from the hospital I went straight home and collapsed into the bed. I slept for the whole afternoon. I was bleedin’ knackered. It was dark when I woke up…

  • Are you awake Bernie?
  • Hmmmm
  • Are you awake?
  • I am now
  • I brought you a cup of tea
  • Thanks love
  • Would you like a something to eat?
  • A slice of toast would be lovely Jimmy
  • No bother. I’ll make it for you now
  • Lovely
  • I thought you were never going to wake up
  • How long was I asleep?
  • Four hours
  • Really?
  • Ye, you were out for the count
  • What time is it?
  • Half six
  • Did you have your dinner?
  • No, I was waiting for you to wake up
  • Ah, that’s nice. What are you making?
  • Me? I thought you’d make it
  • Are you serious? You’re waiting for me to make your dinner?
  • You know I can’t cook Bernie
  • You don’t know until you try Jimmy
  • I never had to try Bernie
  • Your ma spoiled you rotten
  • What about you
  • What about me?
  • You spoiled me too
  • Did I?
  • You always do the cooking
  • Not today
  • Ah you have a rest there Bernie. You’ve been through the mill at that hospital
  • Yeah, I do feel wrecked alright
  • I’ll just go make your toast and a fresh cuppa and then I’d organise dinner
  • Are you really going to cook Jimmy?
  • I am in me bollix. I’ll go to the chipper
  • Good man
  • I’m glad your ok Ber
  • Were you worried about me?
  • Of course I was. Who’d make me dinner if anything happened to you?
  • Fuck off Jimmy
  • I’m only messin’
  • I know you are
  • It’s taken a lot out of you.
  • I’m grand. I’ll be back to meself by the morning
  • Of course you will. Love you Bernie
  • Love you too Jimmy
  • I’ll go get that tea and toast
  • Thanks love

Ah, he’s not a bad aul skin all the same  🙂

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Running away

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My friend Lynda has been saving her running away money since she got married thirty years ago. She’s fifty now and still hasn’t gone further than Galway for a weekend with the girls. She came over yesterday…

  • I’m running away Bernie
  • Again?
  • What do you mean?
  • Nothing. Where are you going?
  • I don’t know
  • What are you running from?
  • From him
  • What has he done now?
  • He’s just getting on my nerves
  • You can’t run away because someone’s getting on your nerves
  • I can and I will
  • Jasus you’re not eight years old Lyn
  • I wish I was eight years old Bernie. Back in my mas’ gaff, with not a care in the world
  • What cares do you have?
  • Him; sitting at home all day scratching his arse watching Jeremy Kyle
  • He can’t help losing his job
  • He could get another one…get him out of my hair
  • But he’s tried Lyn. You told me he applied for loads of jobs
  • He could try harder
  • Jobs aren’t that easy to get these days you know, especially for men of Dave’s age
  • He’s not that old Bernie
  • I never said he was old
  • You implied it
  • I did not
  • Dave is very fit for forty eight you know
  • I’m sure he is Lynda, but Dave is fifty two
  • Who told you he was fifty-two?
  • His ma did. He is my cousin remember
  • Oh yeah. Keep it quiet will you. Dave’s very sensitive about his age
  • He’s not the only one
  • What do you mean?
  • Sure you’ve been forty for the past ten years Lynda
  • I have not Bernie Rose Violet…it’s only been five
  • Yeah right
  • OK… eight
  • Whatever you say Lynda
  • Who are you today, the age police ?
  • You started it
  • I did not. When?
  • When you said Dave was very fit for forty eight
  • Well he is. He’d give young fellas half his age a run for their money
  • I’m sure he would Lyn
  • He would Bernie. Now can we stop talking about how old we are please
  • No problem. So when are you going?
  • Going where?
  • You said you were running away
  • Oh right. I don’t know yet
  • Where will you go?
  • Em, I don’t know yet
  • Let me know yeah
  • Right Bernie
  • Will you have another cuppa?
  • No, I’d better go. I’ve to make his dinner
  • Right so. Will I see you for Bingo later?
  • Yeah , Dave said he’ll give me a lift
  • What about Jeremy Kyle?
  • He doesn’t play Bingo
  • Very funny.
  • It will be over by then. He’ll drop me off  before Masterchef starts
  • That’s nice of him
  • Ah yeah, he doesn’t like me getting the bus. He’s very good like that
  • I thought he was getting on your nerves?
  • He is…he was…ah he’s alright I suppose. He’s not the worst
  • He’s lovely
  • Yeah he is lovely isn’t he?
  • See you later so
  • Right Bernie. I’d better run. I didn’t realise the time. Dave will be starving
  • Bye Lyn
  • Bye Bernie.

Jasus!!