The chat up

Me pal Lynn dropped round for a coffee and a chat on Saturday mornin’.

  • How  did you get on at the Hens party last night Bernie
  • We had a great night. Gorgeous meal, a few scoops a bit of karaoke
  • Sounds good
  • It was,until the young ones wanted to go to a nightclub
  • Did ye go
  • I did. Julie dragged me along, you know her for the dancin’
  • Ah Julie loves a bit of a bop alrigh’
  • So do I, but Jaysis Lynn, it was full of bleedin’ kids
  • Did ye get an ask up?
  • They don’t have slow sets anymore
  • Ah jaysis, that’s shite Bernie
  • I know. I did get chatted up bu’
  • Gerraway
  • Yeah
  • By who?
  • Some little pimple headed yoke
  • Ha, scarleh for ye Berno
  • He was about twelve
  • And he had a chat up line?
  • How do you like you’re eggs in the mornin’? he says
  • The dirtbird. What did you say Bernie?
  • With a cup of coffee and Kevin Bacon I says now fuck off home to yer mammy
  • Ye did not?
  • I did
  • Scarleh for him
  • He probably didn’t even know who Kevin Bacon was
  • I’d love a bit of Kevin Bacon meself
  • On toast Lynn
  • On a roll Bernie
  • A jumbo breakfast roll
  • With a big sausage
  • Ye dirty bitch Lynn
  • Wha’? That’s just your dirty mind Bernie
  • Does this make me a cougar or wha’?
  • Poor young fella would have been on a roll last night if you were
  • Ah, I felt a bit sorry for him after
  • He won’t be usin’ that chat up line again in a hurry
  • Not on me inannyway
  • No more nightclubs for you
  • Never say never
  • Ye still have it all the same Bernie
  • I never fuckin’ lost it Lynn
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Cougar

cougar

Me ma’s cousin Connie  went away with her pal Maeve on a Mediterranean cruise for a month. She came home last weekend and told ma she met a fella and they’re getting married. He’s years younger than her. Well, Jimmy couldn’t believe it when I told him.

  • Is she off her rocker?
  • She said they’re in love
  • In love my arse, she’s twice his age
  • Ah no she’s not that old
  • She’s old enough to be his mother…his grandmother even
  • You always exaggerate things Jimmy. Anyway, if he was older than her, you wouldn’t bat an eyelid
  • Young women with older men don’t look as bad as young men with aul ones
  • Ah that’s shocking talk
  • I’m only telling the truth. How would you like our Jack having it off with Mrs. Byrne up the road
  • Fuck off Jimmy, that’s disgusting. Mrs. Byrne is older than me ma
  • I rest my case
  • But I wouldn’t want Whitney marrying Mr. Byrne either
  • Ah Jaysus no Bernie, Paddy Byrne is a mouldy old git
  • Well, you just said it’s ok for young ones to be with aul fellas
  • Well not my young one. The others can do what they like
  • That’s double standards
  • I don’t give a shite what it is; Whitney is not marrying Paddy Byrne, or any other dirty aul lad
  • You’ve changed your tune then
  • Well, I still think Connie is making a fool of herself marrying that foreign schoolboy
  • He’s not a school boy. There you go exaggerating again. He’s nearly forty, Connie is only sixty eight.
  • Well when he’s sixty, she’ll be ninety
  • Oh God yeah, I didn’t think of that
  • No, I’m sure Spiros or whatever his name is didn’t either. He’s only thinking of the money
  • His name is Yanni, and maybe he doesn’t know she has money
  • Of course he does Bernie. These fellas are well up
  • She looks great for her age tho’ maybe she didn’t tell him how old she was
  • Well, with the amount of lifts she’s had, I’m surprised she doesn’t look like Joan bleedin’ Rivers
  • Joan Rivers is dead Jimmy
  • I know Bernie
  • Connie had a boob lift, and a few shots of Botox, that’s all
  • That’s all? For fuck sake Bernie do you think that’s normal?
  • I wouldn’t mind a bit of Botox meself
  • Are you out of your tree? You’re not pumping that rat poison into your face
  • It’s not rat poison. I know a few women that had it done. They look great
  • For how long though Bernie? It all has to drop eventually. That young fella Connie is hooked up with is in for a shock when she stops with the face injections
  • He’s getting older too you know
  • Well he’s hardly going to catch up with her is he? Anyway, as soon as he gets an Irish passport and his hands on her money, he’ll be off looking for fresh meat, younger meat
  • Ah that’s horrible thing to say. You don’t know, maybe he does love her
  • Ah Bernie, wise up will ye. Anyone can see he’s only after her for the money
  • You’re very cynical Jimmy
  • Look at the facts love…She’s the merry widow dripping with jewellery on a Mediterranean cruise…he’s a local fisherman from Paxos with not a bean to his name and still living with his ma
  • But she’s so happy, her eyes light up every time she talks about him
  • Ye, and I bet his eyes light up every time he thinks of her bank account
  • I’d just love her to be happy. She’s been alone for so long. It’s ten years since her Matt died. Loneliness is a terrible thing you know
  • …and that scut of a young fella is taking advantage of her loneliness
  • Aww  I hope not Jimmy
  •  It’s all going to end in tears, and they won’t be his
  • If only she’d met someone her own age
  • Like Paddy Byrne?
  • Fuck off, she wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole, the smelly git
  • He’d be too old for her anyway, he’s the same age as her
  • You’re bleedin’ terrible you are
  • …and he’s married
  • Poor Connie
  • Poor Mrs. Byrne
  • Maybe now that she’s home a few days Connie will come to her senses
  • What do you mean?
  • She’ll realise it was just a holiday romance
  • She’d want to come to her senses before he lands in Dublin airport
  • He’s been on the phone to her everyday since she got home
  • He’s afraid of losing the goose that’s laying the golden egg Bernie
  • I wonder if she’s paying for his flight
  • You’d better believe it
  • She’s floating on cloud nine Jimmy. I’ve never seen her so happy
  • How long will it last though?
  • We’ll have to keep an eye on him
  • I’ll bring him down the pub for a man to man chat
  • Yeah, let him know we won’t let him mess her about
  • Fair play to her though when you think of it
  • What do you mean Jimmy?
  • I never met a real life cougar.
  • She still has it hasn’t she, cousin Connie
  • Cousin Connie the Cougar wha’? There’s a country and western song in there Bernie
  • Those songs never end well Jimmy
  • Great lyrics though
  • Like Achy Breaky heart you mean?
  • No ‘There’s a guy works down the chip shop swears he’s Elvis’
  • Fuck off Jimmy or you’ll be singing  D.I.V.O.R.C.E
  • Ah you’ll always ‘Stand by your man‘ Bernie

Men !