Breaking Brad

brad

Waiting for a lift home from the Bingo…Sure you may as well be waiting for Brad Pitt…

 

  • Heya Bernie, are you waiting for Jimmy to pick you up?
  • No, Brad Pitt Breda
  • Aren’t we all Bern? aren’t we all?
  • He tried to pick me up once you know
  • In your dreams Bernie
  • He wasn’t always only in me dreams
  • Yeah right
  • 1996 it was
  • Seriously ? Where?
  • In The Black Lion in Inchicore
  • What was Brad Pitt doing in Inchicore Ber?
  • He was making that movie ‘The Devils Own’
  • Wasn’t he with Gwyneth Paltrow back then?
  • Jealous wagon
  • Really? Why?
  • ‘Cos he told me I was beautiful
  • Brad Pitt said you were beautiful?
  • ..and why are you looking so surprised?
  • .Brad Pitt like Ber…
  • ‘Hello beautiful’ he said
  • No way…and what did you say?
  • ‘Hello yourself’ I said
  • Is that it? I thought you said he tried to pick you up?
  • Well he would’ve only the Gwyneth one came over ‘Your pint is here Brad’ says she and dragged him off into a corner
  • You’re right Ber…jealous wagon.
  • I know. He kept looking over and smiling at me. ‘He fancies you’ said Julie to me
  • Jaysis Bernie. Imagine, Brad Pitt fancying ye
  • She was disgusted
  • Who Julie?
  • No Gwyneth. If looks could kill, I’d be brown bread
  • I’d say she was Bernie. Wouldn’t you be?
  • You’d want to see the dirty looks she gave me when I smiled back. Very possessive she was, kept rubbing his face and running her fingers through his hair
  • It’s more than his face I’d be rubbing Bernie
  • You’re such a durtburd Breda, but I know what you mean
  • So, what happened then?
  • He winked at me when she was whispering in his ear. Jaysis, me belly was doing the tango
  • Did she see him winking at you?
  • She must have. they were sitting right across from us.Me and Julie were sitting at the bar having a ham sambo and a bowl of soup.
  • Was that it?
  • Ah no we had a pint as well
  • I mean, is that all that happened with Brad?
  • No, he came over when they were leaving.  He looked at my wedding ring when I lifted my spoon to drink my soup and he said ‘Why are all the beautiful girls taken?’
  • Oh scarlet for ye Bernie, and what did you say?
  • Well I wanted to say ‘give us your number love and I’ll call ye when me divorce comes through, but Gwynnie gave me the evils again and pushed him through the door. I never saw him again…well except in the movies
  • Imagine you and Brad Bernie
  • His loss Breda. But Brads not the type to break up someone else’s marriage
  • No, just his own Bernie. Poor Jennifer
  • Yeah, I like Jen
  • Would you have been #BerBrad  #BradBer  or #Bradnie?
  • It would have to be #BradBer. Bradnie sounds like an arthiritic knee Breda, and BerBrad sounds like he’s in his nip.
  • Oooh lovely
  • Bare Brad yeah I could handle that
  • Did you tell Jimmy?
  • He thought it was hilarious
  • What, that Brad Pitt fancied you?
  • That I fancied Brad. Jimmy thinks Brad is a wanker
  • Touch of the green eye there Ber
  • In fairness he thinks Pierce Brosnan is a wanker as well, and I don’t even like Pierce Brosnan
  • I think Pierce is a ride meself
  • I thought so too until I saw him in Mama Mia. Jaysis, what was he thinking?
  • Yeah, he was shite in that alright
  • Shocking altogether. At least Brad never made a show of himself in a movie
  • What about ‘Snatch’ Bernie? That accent…jaysis
  • Oh yeah, forgot about that one…Hilarious
  • Is that your phone ringing ?
  • Yeah, hang on. Jaysis, there’s so much shite in this handbag I can’t find it
  • Hurry up will ye. It might be Brad.
  • I am hurrying, jaysis, hold on to your knickers will ye, ah feck it’s stopped ringing now. I hope he rings me back because I’ve no credit
  • Was it Jimmy?
  • Colin Farrell. I told him I’m married but he still keeps ringing me
  • Does Jimmy like Colin Farrell?
  • No, he thinks he’s a little bolix. Ah look it’s ringing again, hold on…’howya Brad, where are ye? Any sign of Angelina?… No way, ah she’s probably stuck for a babysitter…right so, see ye in a bit. Love you too hun. Bye, byebyebyebye
  • Jimmy?
  • Yeah, he’s waiting around the corner, couldn’t get parking
  • I couldn’t see Brad picking you up from Bingo could you Ber?
  • He’d be good with the kids but Breda
  • That’s not what Angelina says
  • Don’t mind her, she should have stuck with Billy Bob
  • #JimBer or #Berjim Bernie?
  • #BerJim of course
  • Pass the sick bucket Bernie

Eat your heart out Brangelina

 

 

Oscar

It’s Oscar time again and it got me thinking about who would star in the movie of my book.  .81st Academy Awards¨ Press Kit Images

  • Who would play you in a movie Jimmy?
  • What’s the movie about?
  • I dunno…Life
  • ‘The life and times of Jimmy Violet’
  • It could be ‘The life and times of Bernie Rose’.
  • I thought it was about me
  • I never said it was about you. I just asked who would play you in a movie
  • Same thing
  • No it’s not
  • So it’s your movie then
  • Maybe
  • Right so
  • But you’d be in it
  • Like a supporting role
  • Well, we are married
  • Could we share the lead?
  • I suppose so
  • That’s nice
  • So who would you pick?
  • For what?
  • To play you in the movie. For fuck Sake Jimmy,keep up will ye
  • Can Daniel Craig do a Dublin accent?
  • I dunno
  • There’s nothing worse than a crap Dublin accent
  • You’re right there Jimmy.
  • What about Brad Pitt?
  • No way. Remember ‘Snatch’?
  • Oh yeah, shite accent alright
  • What about Colin Farrell?
  • He’s a little bollix
  • He is gorgeous tho’
  • D’ye think?
  • Ye, but you’re right. He is a little bollix…anyway, he’s too young
  • Fuck off Bernie. He’s not much younger than me
  • In dog years yeah Jimmy
  • I’m not having Pierce Brosnan
  •  I’m sure he’ll be raging
  • Not after  Mama Mia. He totally ruined his James Bond image. Made a show of himself he did
  • When did you watch Mama Mia?
  • Kylie made me watch it with her a few years ago when she was off school
  • She made you?
  • Well she was sick. I didn’t like to say no
  • I believe you, thousands wouldn’t. What about Liam Neeson?
  • He’s from the north Bernie. He’d never pull off the Dub accent
  • He is a ride tho’
  • Whatever you say Bernie
  • I know the very man…Gabriel Byrne
  • Where’s he from?
  • Drimnagh
  • He’d have the accent so
  • And he’s fuckin’ gorgeous Jimmy
  • Sure he’d have to be gorgeous if he’s playing me Bernie
  • You love yourself Jimmy Violet
  • What’s not to love Bernie.
  • You’re so modest too
  • That’s me sorted, so now, who’d play you Bernie?
  • Charlize Theron
  • What about the accent Bernie?
  • Ah, she’ll be grand…Or Cameron Diaz
  • Are they not a bit young?
  • No
  • I was thinking of someone a bit more mature
  • Like who?
  • Brenda Fricker
  • You can fuck right off Jimmy Violet
  • What’s wrong with you?
  • You get Gabriel Byrne…and I get Brenda bleedin’ Fricker?
  • She has the accent bu’
  • She’s old enough to be me ma
  • Really? She doesn’t look it
  • Well she is
  • It hurts doesn’t it Bernie?
  • What does?
  • It’s alright for you to say Colin Farrell is too young to play me, but it’s not alright for me to say poor Brenda is young enough to play you
  • Never mind Colin Farrell being a little bollix Jimmy…You’d win an Oscar for it
  • I’ll  just go write my acceptance speech then 🙂

 

81st Academy Awards¨ Press Kit Images