Family ties (Bernard) #AtoZBloggingchallenge.

F

Me ma has us girls running around after her like blue arsed flies, but god forbid she’d disturb any of her sons. I’m getting sick of it. I took the day off last week to bring her for her hospital appointment…

  • Hiya ma are you ready?
  • No
  • Why not? Why aren’t you dressed?
  • I’m not going.
  • what do you mean you’re not going?
  • I’m not going. That’s what I mean.
  • Why?
  • I don’t fee like it.
  • Well why didn’t you tell me that yesterday, before I organised the day off.
  • I don’t know.
  • For fuck sake.
  • Don’t start giving out to me Bernie.
  • Well what am I supposed to do?
  • Put the kettle on.I didn’t have any breakfast yet
  •  Did Bernard not give you any before he left?
  • No.
  • Why not?
  • I didn’t want any
  • So you’d nothing since last night?
  • Well, I had tea and toast.  Bernard was in a hurry.
  • What’s he in a hurry for? Jeremy Kyle doesn’t start until ten o’clock.
  • I told you, he gave me tea and a slice of toast.
  • He  must be worn out after that. You go get dressed. I’ll boil a few eggs for you and we’ll head off then.
  • I told you, I’m not going.
  • You’re the one who asked me to bring you to the hospital for your check up ma. You should have rang me and told me you’d changed your mind
  • I thought you were taking the day off anyway
  • Since when do I take a Wednesday off? I take Monday off to come look after you. I’m running out of holidays ma. I only took an extra day to bring you to the hospital because you won’t go with anyone else. Did you even cancel your appointment?
  • No
  • Well you’re going then
  • I don’t want to go. I’m fine. It’s only a check up
  • Well if you’re not going, I’ll go into work. I’ll ring Bernard to come over
  • You can’t be asking him to come back, he’s only gone home.
  • He could have waited until I got here.
  • You’re here now. No point dragging Bernard all the way  back over.
  • Why not?He’s just  sitting on his arse over there watching Tipping Point. He can do that here.
  • I don’t want to put him out.
  • And what about me?  I have a job. He doesn’t.
  • Breda won’t like you asking him to come back.
  • Well, Breda can go and fuck off. Is he afraid of her or what?
  • She can be a bit domineering.
  • Well, she’s not the only one.
  • Don’t start any rows Bernie.
  • I won’t. Come on have your breakfast and I ‘ll ring and rearrange another appointment for you.
  • Are you going back to work then?
  • No, sure I have the day off, I may as well stay here.
  • Yeah, no point disturbing Bernard again.
  • God forbid ma…god forbid.

 

 

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Empty Nest ( I wish) #AtoZChallenge

E

I remember when the twins, Kylie and Jason emigrated to Australia and young J.R. fecked off to America on a J1 visa, there was just me, Jimmy, Whitney and Koko left. I sobbed me heart out at the airport. Don’t get me wrong, I was delighted they were spreading their wings, but I just felt so sad. I know I was always moaning at them to clean their rooms, tidy  the kitchen when they were finished feeding themselves and half the neighbourhood kids. I nagged them to call or text me if they were going to be late home, and to stop treating the house like a bleedin’ Hotel, and bringing their mates back every Saturday night for sessions in me kitchen, but I missed them something terrible and the house was very quiet without them. Well, let me tell you, the  quietness didn’t last for long when the other pair took over where their siblings left off…

  • WHITNEY! KOKO! Get out of that bed and down them stairs now and clean this mess. I’m sick of this shite every Saturday morning.
  • HELLO! Is there anyone alive up there?
  • Am I talking to meself?
  • I’m not cleaning it, and I’m NOT getting rid of your bottles and cans again.
  • Who was smoking in the conservatory? There’s butts everywhere. Oh my god, someone’s used me good Aynsley dish as an ashtray. I got that for a wedding present from your aunty Marilyn.
  • HELLLOOOOOOOOO. Don’t make me come up them stairs.
  • Right, that’s it. Wait until your da sees the state of this place.
  • For fuck sake are yiz all dead or what? Well, all I can say is you’d better be dead, because when I get up them stairs I’m gonna bleedin’ kill yiz.

And there was me crying over me empty nest…I should be so lucky.

clean up

 

 

Duck Tales (Jimmy makes dinner)#AprilAtoZChallenge

D

So, Jimmy rang to say he’s making dinner tonight.

  • You take your time in your mas Bernie. Dinner will be ready when you get home.
  • Seriously?
  • Don’t sound so surprised. I have cooked before.
  • You’ve gone to the chipper and emptied the fish and chips onto the plates when you brought them home.
  • Stop nit picking Bernie. Do you want me to cook or not?
  • Knock yourself out Jimmy, so what are you making then?
  • Crispy Duck
  • You what?
  • I got the recipe from Jamie Oliver.
  • When were you talking to Jamie Oliver?
  • He was on the telly. Jamie’s 15- minute meals.
  • Very nice. So have you started yet?
  • I’m just about to. Do we have any noodles?
  • In the top cupboard.
  • Great, oh what about pancakes?
  • What about them?
  • Do we have any?
  • Are you not making them?
  • I can’t make pancakes. Ah sure we can do without them.
  • Right so.
  • Have we any hoi sin sauce?
  • Would you feck off Jimmy, what would I be doing with hoi sin sauce?
  • Never mind;  I’ll improvise. Do we have any soy sauce and  scallions?
  • Maybe we should just have chipper  again tonight, Jimmy.
  • No no no, I said I was cooking, so I’m cooking.
  • I’ll be home in fifteen minutes then.
  • Take your time, it’ll be ready in about an hour.
  • But…
  • What?
  • Nothing Jimmy. See you in an hour so.

Fifteen minute meals me arse…I hope he’s not expecting me to wash up.

 

Cry me a river #AprilatoZchallenge

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I thought I had it bad looking after me ma. She has us run ragged; up and down the stairs day and night because she refuses to get out of the bloody bed.

She has her breakfast dinner and tea up there. No sooner am I down the stairs, trying to have a bit to eat meself, when she’s banging on the floor with her walking stick. But, holy god, some people have it worse than us; Jackie Byrne for example. I bumped into her in Lidl the other day. The poor girl looked worn out. I say girl, but my god, she looked like an old woman…

  • Howya Bernie.
  • Jackie, long time no see. How are things?
  • Not too bad Bernie, they could be worse I suppose, how’s your ma?
  • She’s grand Jackie, just old age getting her down. She’s taken to her bed since Christmas and she has us all running after her like blue arsed flies.
  • Cry me a river, Bernie; sure me da’s the same since me ma died.
  • I was sorry to hear about your ma Jackie; lovely woman she was.
  • I know, I’m heartbroken Bernie.
  • Ah Jackie, and there’s me giving out about my ma and you’d give anything to have yours back.
  • It’s alright Bernie, sure we all give out about our folks at one stage or another, and I know how you feel. Da has me run off me feet, I haven’t a minute to meself between looking after him and me own.
  • How’s he keeping these days?
  • He’s in good form but missing me ma something terrible. she did everything for him, and now I’ve to carry on where she left off. I’m his sole carer now. The joys of being an only child wha’?
  • I thought you had an older brother.
  • I thought I did too, but since Leslie moved to Waterford, we’ve hardly seen him.
  • Does he not come up to visit or help out with your da?
  • Are you having a laugh? That lazy fucker wouldn’t  scratch his arse, never mind help me da.
  • It’s a long way from Waterford but.
  • Not too far to come scrounging for a few bob off me poor ma and da when his dole ran out.
  • Oh, is he still out of work?
  • Work? Would ye stop. If there was work in the bed, that fella would sleep on the floor.
  • You should ring him, ask him to help out sometime.
  • I’ll wring his neck Bernie, that’s about it. Look it, I’d better run, me da will be waiting. It’s shower day today.
  • You’ve to shower your da by yourself?
  • Yeah, jesus help me. I never thought I’d see the day that I’d be scrubbing me da’s willy, but there you go. Haha; You never know what’s round the corner.
  • Ah Jackie, I don’t know how you keep your sense of humour with all you’ve to do.
  • If I didn’t laugh I’d cry, Bernie; and if I start crying, sure I’d probably never stop.

…and I think I have it bad 😦

 

Bottle Banks and bloody kids

 

Having grown up kids still living at home can take it’s toll. They’re worse than babies. I think I had it easier when I was changing nappies. I’m not the only one either.

  • How was your Christmas, Bernie?
  • Same shite different year, Babs
  • That bad was it?
  • Well if you call, feeding the five thousand everyday, then doing the washing up afterwards, doing the laundry, cleaning toilets, refilling toilet roll holders every five minutes, then driving to the bottle bank to get rid of everyone elses shite, then yeah…it was that bad.
  • So you didn’t enjoy it then?
  • Ah, I suppose it wasn’t that bad. Don’t be minding me. I’m just suffering from ACBYN syndrome.
  • What?
  • After Christmas, before New Year.
  • Those few days between Christmas and New Year are the worst, aren’t they Bernie? You don’t know what the hell day it is.
  • Well, I hate when my family are selfish fuckers. The more you do, the less thanks you get.
  • Mine are the same, they take over the house and then fuck off back to their lives with ne’er a thanks or a bunch of flowers or a kiss me arse.
  • And ordering takeaways all hours of the day and night, without even asking if you’d like something. Aww no, just leave your empty pizza boxes on the floor beside your empty glasses why don’t you. I’ve a pain in me hole running after that lot. I had to get out of the house for an hour, just to get away from them.
  • Ah, fair play to you, Bernie. Are you going anywhere nice?
  • The bottle bank…again.

Well that was before New Years Eve, and you know how that ended.  I swore this year, things were going to be different…we’ll see.

 

A New Tears day

 

A

So, I’m back. It’s been a long time and a lot has happened since 2018, and  if New Years day was anything to go by, I’m in for a rough ride in 2019.  The year started  off in me mas…

I had the mother of all hangovers after the New Years Eve celebrations. We had a great night with all the gang, we drank and sang;we rang in the bells at twelve and it should have ended there, but I  couldn’t go home after the pub like a normal person could I? Oh no, Bernie had to go to a party afterwards, even though she knew she’d to look after her ma the next day.

I barely made it in her front door to the kitchen sink when she was shouting down the stairs…

  • Bernie. Is that you?
  • Bernie.
  • Yeah.
  • What are you doing down there?
  • Nothing, I’ll be up in a minute
  • Are you getting sick?
  • BERNIE
  • I’m coming. I’m coming.

How the hell did she hear me puking? She can hardly hear me talking when I’m standing right next to her. Well, so she claims anyway.

  • Hiya ma.
  • Holy mother of the divine lord, what’s wrong with you? You’re like death warmed up.
  • I think I got food poisoning ma.
  • You didn’t reheat that turkey again did you? What did I tell you about that?
  • What was left of my turkey went in the bin last week ma.
  • So what was it then?
  • Prawns, I think.
  • Why do you be eating that foreign muck? No wonder you’re sick.
  • Prawns aren’t foreign ma.
  • I never cooked a prawn in me life and I’ve never had food poisoning. You always have to be different, Bernie.
  • What’s so different from a DUBLIN BAY prawn?
  • It’s far from seafood you were reared. I don’t know where you got these notions from.
  • Look ma, I’m not feeling too good, so can you stop with the lecture please.
  • Did you vomit into my kitchen sink?
  • I’ll clean it up.
  • Jesus Mary and holy saint Joseph, Bernie. How old are you?If one of the kids did that you’d kill them.
  • I din’t do it on purpose ma.
  • You should have stayed at home if you’re sick.
  • I wish I could have ma but there was no one else to come to you today.
  • If Bernard was here, he’d have come.
  • Well, Saint Bernard sunning his arse beside a pool in Lanzarote, with a beer in his hand so I’m sorry, but you’re stuck with me. Now, I need a cup of tea, do you want one?
  • I’d better not, Bernie. I wouldn’t want to catch anything.
  • You can’t catch food poisoning ma.
  • Well, I’d better not all the same.
  • Right you are, ma. call me if you change your mind.

She did change her mind of course; She wouldn’t get out of the bed and she had me running up and down the stairs all day with snacks and drinks, with not a thought for me not being very well.

If she only knew I was sick from drink, I’d never hear the end of it.

Happy New Years my arse.

green emoji

Meeting

I swear, the more kids I’ve had, the more they drove me mad. I don’t remember having the same trouble with Kylie as I do with Coco.

She’s a right cheeky madame, even started spelling her name with a K. Thinks she’s one of them Kardashian girls. ” What’s wrong with Coco Chanel, who you were named after?” says I to her. ” She’s dead ma” was the reply. I told you she’s a cheeky bitch

  • Where were you?
  • What do you mean?
  • I mean where were you…what do you think I mean?
  • Where do you think I was?
  • Don’t get smart with me young lady and don’t keep answering my questions with more questions. Now, where were you?
  • In school
  • School finished over an hour ago, and it only takes ten minutes to walk home
  • I was talking to me friend
  • Who’s your friend?
  • You don’t know him
  • Him? Who’s him
  • I told you. Me friend
  • Is he your boyfriend?
  • Ma!!
  • What?
  • What?
  • Is he?
  • No…. Yeah
  • Serious? How long are you going out with him?
  • Going out? What’s going out?
  • Dating?
  • Nobody days dating anymore ?
  • What do they say?
  • They don’t say anything. I’m just meeting him
  • You’re only fifteen Coco. I don’t want you ‘meeting’ boys
  • Give over ma
  • I won’t give over. I’ve heard of this “meeting” and it’s more than just actually meeting
  • You haven’t a clue ma
  • I’ve got five kids
  • What’s that got to do with anything
  • I know where “kissing with tongues” leads
  • Ma, stop it
  • No I won’t stop it. You need to have some self respect, not like some of the little trollops up that school, who drop their knickers when they’re barely out of nappies
  • Ah ma, stop exaggerating
  • I’m not exaggerating
  • …and I’m not dropping me knickers for anyone
  • Good
  • Grand
  • So, who is he then?
  • Ah ma…
  • I’ll find out. You know I will…