Elvis… Always on my mind

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!

 

 

Advertisements

Living in limbo

 

  • I can’t wait to get home Bernie. I miss me own bed
  • You’ll be in it soon enough, sure the time has flown by in here
  • For you maybe, but for me it’s been a lifetime
  • Hardly a lifetime ma
  • Six weeks you said, six weeks…and It’s been nearly three months
  • You could have been home weeks ago if you hadn’t been trying to limbo at Norma’s birthday party. What the hell were you thinking? You’re lucky you didn’t do more damage when you fell
  • I didn’t fall, I was pushed. That Norma one is a jealous bitch, just because I went lower than her
  • She’s ninety five ma…AND on a zimmerframe…AND it was her birthday
  • Age has nothing to do with jealousy, and her zimmerframe gave her an extra edge
  • I’ve heard it all now
  • I won’t be sorry to see the back of her
  • Well you’ll be home in two days ma. Poor Norma won’t
  • Poor Norma my arse. She loves it, they run after her like a Queen bee because she’s the oldest resident. She’s a bleedin’ attention seeker
  • I thought she was your friend?
  • She is, but she still gets on me nerves. But God love her, you know her family put her in here for two weeks respite
  • That’s not long ma
  • That was two years ago Bernie, and she’s still here
  • Ah that’s shocking
  • She’s still waiting for them to visit
  • Bastards! How could anyone abandon their own mother?
  • You tell me Bernie
  • We didn’t abandon you ma, for jaysis sake you’ve been in for a few weeks to convalescence after your op
  • …and I told you I’d convalesce at home
  • How could you do that? We couldn’t look after you when you couldn’t walk
  • I can look after meself
  • ..and how were you supposed to get in and out of the toilet and bathroom?
  • I’d have managed
  • No you wouldn’t
  • I would
  • Stoppit ma. If you keep annoying me, you’ll be sharing a room with Norma
  • I will not
  • You will. I’ll fucking leave you here
  • You wouldn’t Bernie
  • No I wouldn’t ma
  • Sorry for moaning Bernie
  • Ah it’s grand ma. You’ll be home soon
  • I will
  • …and sure won’t you be grand with your new carer
  • What?
  • Your carer
  • I don’t need a carer
  • You need one when you go home
  • I’m not having one
  • So you want to stay in here then?
  • No I do not.
  • Well, they’re only letting you home if we agree to you having a carer
  • I’m not having a stranger in my house
  • They won’t be strange when you get to know them
  • I don’t want to get to know them
  • Well you’ve no choice
  • What do you mean?
  • There’s going to be one coming twice a week
  • She can feck off
  • Don’t be so ungrateful
  • Can you not come?
  • I can’t come everyday, that’s why you need a carer.
  • Right so Bernadette. You head on home now,I’d better go for my tea. They don’t like you being late for your tea
  • See you tomorrow ma
  • It’s ok Bernie. I know you’re busy
  • For fuck sake ma…and you say Norma is an attention seeker!

God give me patience  😦

 

 

Que Sera Sera

It’s Maisies last week in the nursing home. I know she secretly loves it but she just won’t admit it…

  • Heya ma
  • Hello Bernadette
  • How are you getting on?
  • Awful
  • Why? Did you not do your physio today?
  • I did
  • Well, how was it
  • Grand
  • Well then?
  • Well then what?
  • Why did you say awful?
  • I’m talking about this place
  • It’s lovely ma
  • You stay here then if it’s so lovely
  • What do you not like about it?
  • The food is shite
  • What did you have for your lunch?
  • Chicken and ham with carrots and potatoes and parsley sauce
  • Sounds lovely.
  • It was alright
  • Did you get dessert?
  • Jelly and ice cream
  • Very nice
  • It was alright
  • Did you not eat your lunch then?
  • Of course I ate it
  • It can’t have been that bad so
  • I was starving Bernie. I’d have eaten the leg of the table with no salt I was so hungry
  • Oh, did you not have breakfast then?
  • I did. Porridge,a boiled egg, brown bread,tea, toast and marmalade
  • Is that all? No wonder you were starving by lunch time two hours later..
  • Three hours actually
  • Marie said you’d a great time at the bingo last night and you really enjoyed the singalong on Saturday
  • What would Marie know?
  • She’s one of the carers ma. She sees you everyday. She said you love it and get on great with the other patients
  • Did she now?
  • She did ma
  • I sit with Rita at the Bingo
  • Ah that’s great that you’ve made a friend
  • …and Nora, she’s great at the singing
  • Two new friends?
  • There’s Eileen as well, but  she hasn’t a note in her head , she thinks she’s Vera Lynn.
  • They can’t all be good singers ma
  • It’s just as well most of them are deaf in here, that’s all I can say
  • Did you sing on Saturday night  ma?
  • Well, they insisted. I had no choice
  • Que sera sera?
  • You know I love a bit of Doris Day Bernie
  • I’d say you were great
  • I had to do an encore…The Black hills of Dakota
  • They’ll miss you when you go home ma
  • D’ye think so Bernie?
  • I know so ma…and you’ll miss them
  • No I won’t.
  • You will, just wait and see
  • I won’t
  • Not even Rita?
  • Well maybe Rita…
  • What about Nora and Eileen
  • Maybe Nora, but not Eileen
  • Because she’s a crap singer?
  • No, because she’s a pain in the arse!

Takes one to know one sometimes I suppose!

 

 

I sent me ma to rehab and she said ‘no no no’

I went in to see ma today. She had to go to rehab after her knee op. It’s only for a few weeks but she thinks she’ll never get home…

 

  • Howya ma
  • Hello Bernadette
  • Oh Bernadette now is it?
  • It’s your name isn’t it?
  • What’s up with you today? You’re in a right mood
  • You know what’s up…same thing that was up yesterday and last week and the week before that
  • What?
  • This place
  • What’s wrong with it?
  • It’s full of old people
  • You’re old
  • What?
  • Are you cold?
  • Indeed I’m not, sure it’s like an oven in this place.
  • Alright, I was only asking
  • Why would you be asking if I’m cold
  • I’m just concerned because I know old people feel the cold more than young ones
  • Well I’m sweating and the sooner I’m out of this place the better
  • They can’t let you out until you’re mobile ma
  • I am mobile.
  • You’re not ma
  • There’s nothing wrong with me
  • Grand. Do you want to go for a walk outside in the sunshine so?
  • That would be lovely Bernie. I could do with a breath of fresh air
  • Come on then, I’ll hoosh you up
  • Take it easy Bernie. Jaysisssss….no no no
  • No what? What’s wrong with you? Calm down for fuck sake
  • Me knee, that’s what’s wrong with me
  • Here ma link me while we’re walking
  • Indeed I wont link you. I’m not walking anywhere. Go get me a wheelchair
  • But I thought…
  • What? What did you think Bernie?
  • Nothing ma….’nurse any chance of a wheelchair for me ma’

‘Jaysisssssss is right!

 

Camel Toe

 

camelI had a few scoops with Julie last night. I haven’t seen her since before I went on me alcoholliers so we were due a catch up.

  • See they’re selling knickers with built in camel toe now Ber
  • Feck off Julie
  • I swear to God Bernie
  • Who in their right mind would want to be flashing their fanny to all and sundry?
  • Loads of people. They’re all the rage now I believe
  • That’s just wrong, and disgusting too
  • Well disgusting or not, they’re selling like hot cakes
  • Young ones these days would wear anything
  • Not like us you mean?
  • I never had a camel toe in me life
  • You wore pussy bows though Bern
  • Pussy bows were on me blouse, not me fanny
  • ..and ra ra skirts
  • Don’t remind me
  • ..and gold leggings
  • Jaysis
  • How did you get away with wearing them and not have a camel toe Bernie?
  • Two pairs of knickers with double gusset
  • Sexy bitch
  • Bet into them I was. Remember lying on the bed to pull the zip up with a hanger and not being able to get up without being pulled up
  • Same here, and you were afraid to go to the jax when you were out in case you couldn’t get them back up
  • The things we did to be fashionable what?
  • Camel toe but? We’d never go that far Bernie
  • I remember wearing leg warmers, and I wasn’t even going to the gym
  • …and fingerless gloves
  • …Madonna bands
  • …Bet Lynch earrings,they were like bleedin’ chandeliers
  • We thought we were only massive
  • We thought we were Bananarama
  • *Nathan Jones you’ve been gone too long* I still remember the dance moves
  • *Venus* I remember me ma nearly had a conniption cos I ripped me new jeans with her kitchen scissors so I’d be like Karen Woodward
  • They’re selling them already ripped now, imagine?
  • I know. Me ma couldn’t believe it when she saw our Whitney wearing them. ‘Has your mother not got a needle and thread to sew them up for ye love’ she said to her
  • I hope she doesn’t go buying them camel toe knickers
  • That’d be going a step too far. I don’t think she’s that stupid
  • Maisie said the same about your ripped jeans Bernie
  • She did too Julie. Oh to be young and foolish again
  • Just young would do me Ber
  • …and not just foolish
  • I’ll drink to that
  • I’ll drink to anything…cheers

Privacy … Sign of the times

Kids these days, they tell you nothing. God be with the days when there was only one phone in the house and everyone heard all of your business. Now they don’t even use the landline and their phones are forever stuck to their hands. Back in my day we had no phone. I had to go down the road to the public call box  by the shops to call me fella…more privacy back then  😉

  • Who were you on the phone to Whitney?
  • My friend
  • What friend?
  • Just a friend from school
  • What’s her name
  • Why do you want to know?
  • I’m just asking you a question
  • And I told you, a friend
  • Was it a fella?
  • What makes you think it was a fella?
  • Because you won’t tell me who it was
  • I told you it was a friend
  • And I asked you, what friend?
  • Why are you giving me the third degree ma?
  • Because I’m your ma and you’re only a child
  • I’m sixteen ma
  • Exactly…so?
  • So what?
  • So it was a fella
  • What if it was?
  • Why can’t you just say you were talking to a fella?
  • What’s the difference if it’s a boy or a girl? He’s just a friend
  • Then why didn’t you tell me which it was?
  • Because you’d make a big deal out of it, like you are now
  • I’m not making a big deal out of it
  • You are. A friend is a friend
  • But if you were talking to Leanne, you’d say you were talking to Leanne
  • But I wasn’t talking to Leanne
  • So who is he?
  • Just a friend
  • What’s his name?
  • Why?
  • I just want to know. Why are you afraid to tell me?
  • I’m not afraid to tell you. You don’t know him so no point telling you his name
  • You were talking for a very long time. What were you talking about?
  • I wasn’t that long talking to him and we were just talking about stuff
  • What stuff?
  • Just stuff. Jaysis ma is nothing private in this house?
  • Is he your boyfriend Whitney?
  • MA!!
  • Just tell me
  • No
  • No he’s not your boyfriend?
  • No, I’m not telling you
  • Maybe you’ll tell your da when he comes in
  • Ah ma for gods sake
  • What?
  • Stop telling da stuff
  • He’s your da he should know if you have a boyfriend
  • You’re doing my head in. I’m going to my room
  • Is that him on the phone?
  • What?
  • I just heard your phone beep
  • So?
  • So,is that why you’re going to your room?
  • No, I’m going to my room because you’re wrecking my head ma

I’ll find out, don’t you worry…

Reflections #AtoZChallenge #Maisieandme

It’s been two weeks since I completed the challenge. Between that and looking after Maisie I was worn out. So meself and Jimmy headed of to Benalmadena  for a week to soak up a few rays and chill out. It was lovely just to sit by the pool everyday with no one to run after…

  • So, how did the challenge go Bernie?
  • It was actually grand Jimmy, but to be honest with you, Maisie would have a conniption if she knew I was writing about her for the month
  • You mean you didn’t tell her?
  • I value my life Jimmy
  • Wait til she hears the world and it’s mother knows all about her gammy knees
  • Not to mention her birds appetite
  • …her eyesight
  • …her hearing, or lack of
  • What?
  • Very funny Jimmy
  • You always did say you could write a book about your ma
  • Maybe I will
  • Sure you’re halfway there Bernie
  • What will I call it?
  • ‘Confessions of a hypochondriac’?
  • Too predictable Jimmy, plus ,she’d kill me
  • ‘Hear no evil. See no evil’?
  • ‘Hear feck all. See everything’ more like. Wait until she gets her new knee. there’ll be no stopping her.
  •  That’s it Bernie …’Finding Noonie’
  • Stoppit Jimmy, that’s brilliant
  • Or… ‘When I kneed you’?
  • Leave it out Jimmy, you’re after making me spill me drink
  • In other words ‘Go to the bar and get me another drink Jimmy’
  • It’s your own fault for making me laugh
  • Any excuse Bernie. I suppose you want me to rub in some more sun cream when I get back
  • That’ll be lovely hon
  • And you say Maisie is demanding?
  • You have no idea
  • There’s a pair of you in it, sure you’re as bad as each other
  • ‘Maisie and Me’ not a bad title Jimmy
  • Heaven help us