Xanadu #AtoZChallenge

X (1)

  • What are you doing under the stairs ma?
  • I’m looking for Kylies old roller blades
  • For what ma?
  • For knitting a pair of gloves, what do you think?
  • Calm down ma I’m only asking
  • Have you seen them? I was sure they were under here
  • Did da not sell them in the car boot sale last year?
  • Ah for fuck sake, he did not…did he?
  • You’re the one who told him to get rid of the shite from under the stairs
  • An for once he did as I told him to …jaysis…MEN!
  • Ma, what are you wearing?
  • You can see what I’m wearing Koko
  • A leotard and leg warmers…OMG, hang on ’til I get me phone
  • Do not attempt to take a photo of me Koko, I’m warning you
  • That headband but ma…what are you like?
  • Feck off, I’m not that bad am I?
  • I’m saying nothing, but holy god ma, are you thinking of going out like that…on roller blades?
  • Well not anymore, now that I’ve no roller blades, anyway I was only going to go down the garden path
  • Yeah, down on your face ma. When was the last time you went on blades?
  • Well I had a pair of skates when I was 12…
  • Ah ma, you really are gas. You’d break your neck
  •  I was watching Xanadu on Netflix and Olivia Newton John made it all look so easy
  • Ma, you pissed your knickers when you tried running with auntie Julie, can you imagine what would happen on roller blades?
  • Yeah, you’re right Koko. Who am I kidding, I’m too old for this lark
  • You’re not old ma, but…
  • But what?
  • Lose the headband and leg warmers … the eighties are over
  • Not a word to your da about this, do you hear me!
  • I wouldn’t say a thing ma, but can I just take one photo to show Kylie
  • Feck off…

What WAS I thinking 😩

🎶🎶 A place where nobody dared to go… lalalalalalala
They call it Xanaduuuu🎶🎶

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Weight not want not #AprilAtoZChallenge

W

  • Where are you off to today Bernie?
  • Shopping with Julie
  • Again?I predict the smell the credit card melting
  • I’m not buying anything; we’re just looking
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m buying nothing until I lose weight
  • You must have lost some weight by now.
  • Don’t start with me Jimmy
  • You’re the one eating sneaky rasher sambos and big Macs
  • ONE rasher sandwich, and ONE big Mac, Jesus make me feel guilty why don’t you
  • You’re the one complaining about not losing weight, and I’m sick of this diet. How long are you…sorry WE on it
  • Too bleedin’ long, and anyway, don’t be getting all judgemental with me, I know you’ve been down eating dinners in your mas, then coming back here for your salad
  • A man can’t survive on lettuce alone
  • Well I’m expected to
  • Well you’re obviously wasting your time
  • Thanks very much for the vote of confidence
  • Anyway, you don’t need to lose weight
  • Nothing fits me Jimmy. I feel huge
  • You’re not huge
  • All of my clothes are tight on me
  • So buy bigger clothes…or stop with the sneaky rasher sambos
  • Are you looking for a slap in the head?
  • What?
  • I don’t want to buy bigger clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have
  • They look fine on you
  • They do not! They make me look like an elephant…and if you mention that rasher sandwich again I swear I’ll swing for you
  • It’s all in your mind Bernie, you look the same as you always do
  • So you’re saying I always look fat?
  • You don’t look fat
  • You see me everyday, so you don’t notice
  • I notice that you’re grand just the way you are

I don’t know whether to hit him or hug him!

😡😡😡

Vinyasa Yoga #AtoZChallenge

V

  • Hiya Ma
  • Hiya Kylie
  • So what’s new?
  • Vinyasa yoga
  • What’s that when it’s at home?
  • Vinyasa Yoga aligns movement and breath in a smoothly flowing sequence.
  • What?
  • It’s a challenging practice designed to bring complete awareness of your posture, alignment, and patterns of movement.
  • You sound like you’re reading from a brochure ma
  • With Vinyasa Yoga you’ll achieve total wellbeing by nurturing deep inner relaxation while building outer strength, endurance, and flexibility.
  • You ARE  reading from a brochure
  • Emmm, yeah, Patchoulli dropped it over
  • So are you going to do it then?
  • I’m thinking about it
  • Well you’ve tried everything else so you may as well
  • Vinyasa Yoga classes are a great place to start or to continue on the path to a healthy body and mind
  • You’re still reading from the brochure aren’t you Ma?
  • Yeah
  • So?
  • I’m not sure about the flexibility part Kylie
  • Why?
  • I’m only free on Tuesdays and Fridays
  • 😂😂😂😂

yoga

Talking to myself

T

Sometimes, you’re the only one who’ll listen…

 

  • Morning Bernie
  • Alright Bernadette
  • How’s things?
  • Grand
  • Any news?
  • Nothing? You?
  • You don’t look the best Bernie
  • You’re not looking too hot yourself Ber
  • I’m knackered to be honest
  • I know how you feel, it’s this bloody…
  • …diet
  • Ah I’m sick of it now
  • Me too. All I can think of is food
  • …and how to get out of excercising
  • Why do you put yourself through it Bernie?
  • Fucked if I know Ber…all this shite just to get into a swimsuit for a week in Toremolinos
  • We can’t give up but, not while everyone is watching
  • ”We know you can do it Bernie” ”You’re doing great Bernie”
  • …while they stuff their faces in front of you
  • Fuckers
  • Yeah…fuckers
  • You don’t have to tell them you’ve given up
  • They’ll know, they watch every bit you put into your mouth
  • ”There goes your diet Bernie…I knew you wouldn’t stick it Bernie” I can hear them now
  • People only believe what they see…and they don’t have to see everything
  • No they don’t, do they?
  • Oh look it’s breakfast time? What are we having today Bernie? Muesli? Quinoa porridge? kitty litter on toast?
  • I fancy a dirty big rasher sandwich on white bread
  • Lovely…with ketchup
  • And a large mug of tea
  • Good woman
  • Diet my arse Bernie
  • Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Yeah it is isn’t it…one rasher or two?

Lovely

rasher sandwich

 

 

 

Slimming world

S

Me and Julie decided to go to slimming world to help us with our weight loss…

  • So, Bernie. You need to lose two stone
  • What? That much?I was thinking just a few pounds
  • I’m afraid not Bernadette
  • Are you sure
  • I’m sure
  • Well I’m not
  • Why are you here Bernie?
  • To lose a bit of weight, get some advice, a bit of encouragement
  • Well I’m advising you to lose two stone and I will encourage you to do it
  • How’s that Marian?
  • By sharing experiences with the group thus encouraging behavioural changes
  • There’s nothing wrong with my behaviour
  • Your eating behaviour
  • I’ve lost four pounds already this month
  • Well you need to lose more. Our image therapy shows you how to eat healthy without starving yourself
  • Well, I’m starving all the time
  • We will help you with that, as well as introducing some physical activity into your everyday life
  • Ah here, I’m not doing aerobics. I’d enough of that shite in the gym
  • You also need to cut down on fizzy drinks, you seem to drink a lot of them
  • Only in me vodka…I can still drink vodka can’t I
  • One or two at weekends is acceptable
  • Glasses or bottles?

 

This is harder than I thought

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Running #AtoZChallenge

R

They say you shouldn’t run before you can walk. I don’t know what possessed me to go running with Julie this morning

  • I have to go home Julie
  • What? We’re not even at the top of the road Bernie
  • I can’t do it, I’m sweating, and I’ve a pain in me chest
  • You’ll be grand, come on we’ll just jog slowly
  • That’s what I was doing Julie, and I’m not grand
  • Give it a chance, look , we’ll walk for a few minutes
  • I can’t Julie, I really have to go home
  • Jesus Bernie,we’re only running like less than five minutes
  • I don’t care, I said I HAVE TO GO HOME
  • What the fuck is wrong with you? This was your idea you know. I was happy enough just walking, it was you who said ‘lets run Julie’
  • I’m done running, lets go
  • Oh for fuck sake come on then. What’s the big rush to get home?
  • I’ve wet me knickers o.k.!!!

Bitch thought it was hilarious. Anyway by the time I got home to shower and change, I’d lost interest in running, or even walking for that matter. My bladder has got a lot to answer for…

pee pants

Quark and Quinoa

Q

  • BERNIE!
  • WHAT?
  • WHAT’S THIS WHITE STUFF ON MY PLATE
  • QUARK
  • WHAT?
  • QUARK
  • WHY ARE YOU MAKING DUCK NOISES?
  • WHAT?
  • WILL YOU JUST COME IN TO THE KITCHEN
  • What?
  • What’s this white stuff on my plate?
  • Quark, I told you
  • Ducks quack
  • QUARK … it’s a cheese Jimmy
  • Why didn’t you just say cheese? And what’s this shit?
  • Quinoa
  • What the fuck is that when it’s at home?
  • It’s like a grain
  • What am I? A duck?
  • QUARK!!
  • You’re losing the plot Bernie

duck.0

Ah lads it’s Friday…I need a laugh!