Game of Thongs

The washing machine repair fella was here this morning. Jimmy went ballistic when I rang and told him what the problem was. You’d swear it was my fault. Actually, everything these days seems to be my fault…and I don’t even own a pair of thongs. That Kylie one had better buy herself a few pairs of Bridget Jones or she’ll be left knickerless, because I’m burning that drawer full of  dental floss she has up in her room…

  • Is the machine fixed ma?
  • Yeah, no thanks to you
  • What did I do?
  • Put your bits of string in
  • What?
  • The bits of string you call knickers
  • They’re called thongs
  • I don’t care what you call them, they broke me machine
  • What’s my thongs got to do with the machine being broken?
  • One of them was blocking the filter
  • Is that what was wrong with it
  • Yes, mortified I was when the chap cleaned it out
  • Aww scarlet ma
  • You were scarlet? You were in bed. I had to face him Kylie
  • You should have checked the filter before you rang the repair fella ma
  • Don’t you start. I’ve enough of your da going on about it
  • Did he go mental
  • You know what he’s like ” did you not check the filter? The first thing you do when there’s a problem with a washing machine is check the filter ,before you call the repair fella….I can’t believe you didn’t check the filter…Eighty euro for a bleedin’ call out charge ” Blah Blah Blah
  • Ah sorry ma
  • “I didn’t see you checking the fucking filter” I says to him ” so shurrup annoying me will you”
  • Was it the same fella who called last time?
  • Oh no thank God. I was mortified enough as it was
  • That was hilarious ma.  Remember the underwire from your bra, caught in the drum
  • Oh, your da reminded me of that one this morning when he was on his rant
  • But he thought it was funny at the time. I remember him and Anto laughing over it. ” You’ve always been wired Bernie” he said
  • That was back when he had a sense of humour
  • Ah he’s not that bad
  • Grumpy fucker these days so he is.
  • Maybe he’s going through the change
  • Men don’t go through the change. They just become narky bastards in their old age
  • Me da is not sixty yet ma
  • He’s starting early so…here put that thong in the bin
  • Why?
  • Because it’s ripped to fuck
  • Ah ma, they were me favourites
  • Who in the name of jaysis has a favourite pair of thongs?
  • I do, they’re  Victoria’s Secret ones
  • Who the fuck is Victoria, and why are you borrowing her knickers? That’s disgusting, you’ve hundreds of pairs of your own
  • It’s the name of the shop ma
  • Whatever… It’s a piece of string Kylie. Get over yourself
  • And you say me da is a narky fucker
  • I beg your pardon?
  • …nothing, jaysis calm down ma
  • I won’t calm down. I’m sick of the lot of you
  • Jaysis it’s only a thong ma
  • Oh, and you owe me eighty euro
  • For what?
  • For the washing machine repair fella
  • I haven’t got eighty euro ma
  • Well stop buying expensive bits of  shite to cover your arse then
  • You’re as bad as me da these days
  • …and maybe that’ll teach you to  wash your knickers by hand in future

Kids, I swear the older they get the worse they get…

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Double glazed widows

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I told you me ma loves a good funeral story. I told her about Jimmy’s mate Frankie kicking the bucket last week…

  • Another double glazed widow then Bernie
  • What’s that ma?
  • A double glaze widow. Bury their husbands of a Monday, get the builders in of a Tuesday
  • That’s terrible ma
  • Well, some of them wait a bit longer, they don’t like the neighbours talking
  • I think you make these stories up ma
  • As true as I’m sitting here Bernie, I’m telling you. As soon as the husband dies, they get the entire house double glazed because they weren’t allowed when they were alive
  • Weren’t allowed? We’re not living in the fifties ma
  • You’ve no idea Bernie. Not everyone is as lucky as you.
  • Maybe it was like that in your era ma, but not now
  • What are you talking about? Sure haven’t you just told me that Frankie’s missus getting a complete makeover on the house soon…and him only a few hours under the ground
  • That’s one person ma…ONE
  • …and what about Rita Burke in number nineteen? Attic conversion a month after Johnny kicked the bucket
  • She needed the room for the grand kids when her daughter moved in with her ma
  • …and Eileen Dunne around the corner. The hearse had hardly pulled away from the house when she had a new front door and a cobble lock driveway
  • Stop exaggerating ma
  • No exaggeration at all Bernie…and she had no one moving in with her except her fancy man
  • Ma, stoppit
  • You’re very naive Bernadette
  • ..and you just love making up stories about the neighbours
  • …Then there’s Maura Whatsername in the cul de sac. Didn’t Jimmy put in a new kitchen for her  a week after her fella died
  • It wasn’t a week ma
  • How long was it then?
  • About a month
  • See! I told you Bernie. You mark my words, that Valerie woman will be ordering a new conservatory and a world cruise in no time
  • Actually Jimmy is calling around this week to give her an estimate
  • Holy god, she’s quick off the mark isn’t she Bernie?
  • She is ma. Frankie is only dead a week
  • She’s wasting no time spending the insurance money is she?
  • Well by all accounts, he was a right tight bastard
  • So, she’ll be making up for all them years of penny pinching
  • Poor cow all the same. I’d hate to be married to a mean man
  • Nothing worse than a tight arse Bernie

Maisie talks some shite at the best of times, but I think she’s right about this one lads…

 

Happy Endings

One of Jimmy’s old work buddies died. The funeral was yesterday.

  • So, how did the funeral go?
  • Very sad Bernie. Very sad
  • I’d say the family were in bits were they? It was so sudden
  • It was, sure didn’t I only see him in the pub last Tuesday, there wasn’t a bother on him
  • You just don’t know the day nor the hour do you Jimmy?
  • You sure don’t Bernie
  • What’s in the bag there
  • Batter burger and chips
  • Did you not get food at the funeral
  • Soup and a sandwich
  • I didn’t keep dinner for you because I thought you’d be having a sit down meal
  • Are you mad? At Franks funeral? Sure he’d turn in his grave if he knew he was even paying for a few ham sambos
  • Was he that bad?
  • He was a miserable aul shite
  • Ah Jimmy. Don’t be speaking ill of the dead
  • I’d say they buried him with his communion money
  • You’re terrible Jimmy
  • But was the service nice
  • It was Bernie. Father Joe gave a lovely eulogy
  • That’s nice
  • You know what Anto says to me?
  • What?
  • “I think we’re at the wrong funeral Jimmy”
  •  Why would he say that?
  • Well, Fr. Joe kept going on about how generous Frank was and how he’d give you his last shilling
  • What’s wrong with that?
  •  Frankie was as tight as a nuns knickers so he was. Wouldn’t buy a round of drinks if his life depended on it ; Still owes me a few pints you know. He was a miserable shite
  • You’ve two hopes of getting them now Jimmy…none and Bob
  • His money will be well spent now that its in the hands of his missus. Valerie is  getting the house done up
  • She didn’t waste much time did she?
  • Well Frankie never let her do a thing to his house. It’s just as it was when his ma lived in it. Same wallpaper and all. Me and Ray helped him to hang it, Christmas 1984 just after his da died. He was a miserable aul fucker as well.
  • 1984? for fuck sake, it must be in rag order. How did she put up with that?
  • She’d no choice. She didn’t work. He was the breadwinner, so he decided what was done
  • I’m delighted for her
  • What that her husband died
  • No, that she’s going to have a decent house to live in at last. Wait until I tell me ma
  • Did Maisie know him then?
  • No, but you know what she’s like. She loves a good funeral story
  • Especially one with a happy ending
  • Hardly a happy ending if he’s dead Jimmy
  • It is for me Bernie; Valerie’s hired me and Anto to do the renovations for her.
  • Only you could pick up work at a funeral Jimmy Violet
  • You take the work where you can get it Ber. Here, do you want half of me batter burger

 

No one could accuse Jimmy of being a mean aul shite all the same, could they?

Alcoholliers

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  • How was the holiday Kylie?
  • Great ma, but I need a holiday to get over it
  • You didn’t get much of a tan did you?
  • The sun doesn’t shine indoors ma
  • I don’t know why you go away to the sun at all
  • Why?
  • You spend your whole time drinking and partying
  • That’s what holliers are for ma
  • Sure you could do that at home, save yourself a fortune
  • You sound like me nanny
  • I do not…wash your mouth out
  • You do
  • I’m only saying that it’s a shame to go away to the sun and not enjoy it
  • I did enjoy it
  • Did you even see the sun?
  • Yeah every morning on the way home
  • And you probably spent the day in bed
  • More or less yeah. I needed to build up me strength for the next night
  • You could have slept by the pool and got a tan at the same time
  • Sure by the time we got home the bleedin’ Germans already had their towels down. It’s impossible to get a sun bed by the pool
  •  Bloody Germans are always the same
  •  We got there before them one morning, there was murder
  • What happened
  •  ‘Zis iz my bed, you must move frauhlein, and where iz mein towel?
  • What did you say?
  • ‘I didn’t see your bleedin’ towel Adolf’ says I ‘now jog on son’ Then his bird started freaking out ‘I vill speak to ze manager. Vot haf you don wiz our towels?’Zis is our bed
  • I hope you told her to feck off,
  • I told her… “The sign says no towels on sunbeds before 8am, and we got here at 7 now back off Brunhilde , you’re blocking me sun”
  • The cheek of her
  • Anyway, they did feck off, but they arrived back an hour later when we were on our way to bed
  • So they got their beds back
  • No. we’d already given them  to two chaps from Glasgow
  • I’d like to have heard that conversation
  • ”Awee and bile yer head”
  • What?
  • That’s what the Scottish lads said to them
  • …and what does that mean?
  • Fucked if I know ma…but it got rid of them.

 

What am I rearing at all?

” She didn’t lick it off a stone” says Jimmy

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Altar Ego…Me ma would say mass if you let her

 

You know when some people say “I’d give anything just to have another hour with me ma” Well you know what I feel like saying to them sometimes? “Take mine, and keep her for as long as you like love”. They’d be throwing her back after five minutes I tell ye…

  • Morning ma
  • Morning Bernadette
  • So were you out this morning?
  • I was, no thanks to you
  • What do you mean
  • Oh nothing. I know you’re busy, it doesn’t matter
  • Jaysis ma, you know you can be such a pain in the arse
  • What did you say
  • I said…did you go to mass ?
  • I did. Your brother brought me
  • That’s nice
  • Bernard, not Frank
  • Good old St. Bernard
  • Leave Bernard alone
  • With pleasure
  • So how’s father Mulcahy?
  • Sure Fr. Mulcahy retired years ago Bernie
  • He gave me my first communion, bless him. So who’s doing mass now?
  • Father Slevin. Lovely chap from Cork, he does a lovely mass
  • Does he? That’s nice
  • Very uplifting sermon
  • Sounds great ma, and did you get a nice bit of communion as well?
  • For God’s sake Bernie, it’s the body of Christ, not a lump of roast beef from the butchers…a nice bit of communion…I ask you
  • Jaysis ma I was only enquiring
  • Speaking of which, when was the last time you went to mass..or confession for that matter
  • Christmas ma
  • Christmas? That’s shocking Bernie
  •  1989
  • Are you serious? I brought you up a good catholic girl and you don’t even go to mass
  • You don’t need to go to mass to be a good person ma
  • You need to thank god for your blessings
  • I can thank God at home ma
  • It’s not the same at all Why is it not the same? No point in being a hypocrite like some of them aul ones on your road
  • Who?
  • That Mrs. Crowley for starters. Up kissing the altar rails every morning then bitching about the other aul ones as soon as she gets as far as Tesco’s
  • Ah don’t mind that aul Biddy. You can’t compare other people to her. She’s an aul bitch. Sure didn’t her poor husband die just to get away from her
  • Didn’t you just get mass and communion ma?
  • I told you I did Bernie
  • Well I think you might need a trip to confession now, never mind me
  • Why
  • Calling Mrs. C an aul bitch
  • I don’t need to go to confession for that, sure doesn’t the lord himself know it
  • Holy jaysis ma
  • Stop taking the lords name in vain, there’s no need for it.
  • Says you slagging the neighbours
  • I’m not slagging, I’m just stating the obvious, but you’re forever blaspheming
  • Alright ma, get down off the altar will you for fuck sake
  • Stop cursing
  • Alright Mother Teresa, I’ll just go put the kettle on

That aul one is the giddy limit sometimes …

Elvis… Always on my mind

Me and Lynn went to an Elvis tribute night down the pub last night. They were celebrating the 40th anniversary of his death. Forty years!! Can you believe it?

 

Elvis

  • Where were you when Elvis died Bernie?
  • You mean the exact minute he died or when I heard he died?
  • When you heard he died of course…how would you know the exact minute he died unless you were there in the bathroom with him.
  • That is if he really died in the bathroom Lynn.That could just be a story, a cover up for what really happened.
  • Why would they say he died in the bathroom if he didn’t? You’ve a very’ suspicious mind’ Bernie
  • You know them Americans all love a good story, a crazy headline. ‘Elvis dies watching telly’ doesn’t’ have the same impact as ‘Elvis dies on the jax eating a burger’
  •  I don’t think they said he did eating a burger. I think they said he’d eaten a burger before he died.
  • Well they were hardly going to say he’d eaten a salad with cous cous and a glass of still water were they?
  •  I don’t think Elvis was much of a salad eater
  • Neither is that chap onstage by the look of him
  • He’s a big chap alright
  •  ‘The King is dead’ isn’t that what they said?
  •  I can’t remember but that is a good headline. Click bait…isn’t that what they’d call it now?
  • If it was today, it would be on twitter with a picture of the burger before the ambulance arrived
  • There’s not much privacy these days is there Bern?
  • I was in me grannies having a bowl of cornflakes
  • What?
  • ‘…When Elvis died. You asked me where I was when Elvis died.  I was staying in me grannies with Imelda when me ma was in hospital having our Aaron
  • Did your ma call him Aaron after Elvis because it was his middle name and he was born the day Elvis died?
  • No she called him Elvis after Elvis, but he was slagged in school over it so he told everyone his name was Aaron
  • So is his middle name Aaron too?
  • No, it’s  Bartley …after me granda. Aaron is his third name
  • Elvis Bartley Aaron?
  • Yeah,shite isn’t it? Scarlet for him. He reckoned Aaron was better than Bartley
  • I don’t blame him
  • Me granda wasn’t too please but
  • Who the fuck calls their child Bartley?
  • My great granny, that’s who. Anyway, it was on the nine o’clock news that morning
  • What was?
  • About Elvis dying, for  jaysis sake Lynn, keep up will you
  • Sorry Bernie, I’m still thinking about poor Aaron
  • Me granny always listened to RTE radio in the mornings…The news and Gay Byrne, every morning. I couldn’t believe it.
  • I couldn’t believe people listened to Gay Byrne either
  • No, I couldn’t believe Elvis was dead, for fuck sake Lynn, how many vodkas have you had?
  • Not enough obviously, judging by this conversation
  • Me sister was bawling crying. Imelda loved Elvis. She had posters of him on our bedroom wall
  • I had Donny Osmond and David Cassidy
  •  I had T. Rex. You know Marc Bolan died exactly a month after Elvis?… in a car crash on the way home from a party in Rod Stewart’s gaff.
  •  That’s a real rock n roll way to die isn’t it? Elvis might have been the King but his death wasn’t very rock n roll was it?
  • He’d be eighty one if he was still alive
  • He wouldn’t be shaking his hips much on a zimmerframe at eighty one Bernie
  • Sure he’d have had new hips by now
  • And a few face lifts, trying to stay young like the rest of them
  • He’ll be forever young
  • Wearing his blue suede shoes
  • Some people say he never died…  Another cover up
  • Where is he then?
  • God only knows, living on some tropical island with Marc Bolan and Buddy Holly.
  • My ma loved Buddy Holly
  • Mine too. You know she wanted to call me Peggy Sue
  • Seriously? Yeah, but me da put his foot down, said no child of his was being called after his mother in law
  • You’re grannies name was Peggy Sue?
  • No, Margaret, but everyone called her Peggy
  • I need another drink Bernie
  • I’ll call the waitress… ”Excuse me love, two double vodkas and coke when you’re ready”… He was only twenty two, Lord rest him
  • Who?
  • Buddy fucking Holly. Do you want to go out and come back in Lynn, because you’re not with it tonight
  • Ask me hoop Bernie. I can’t keep up with all these dead celebs
  • You shouldn’t have come to an Elvis tribute show then
  • You’re just confusing me, anyway I thought he was older. He looked older but didn’t he?
  • Who Elvis?
  • No, Buddy Holly, jaysis, now who’s confused?
  •  I think it was the glasses.
  • He did really die though
  • I hope so…they buried him
  • You’re getting worse Bernie. Here, this Elvis chap is a long time on his break isn’t he?
  • Probably sent out for a burger. I hope he’s not eating it on the jax
  • I’m going to ask him to sing Blue Christmas when he comes back
  • It’s bleedin’ August Lynn!
  • He’s an Elvis tribute and I want to hear Blue Christmas
  • Whatever floats your boat love, anyway he died in a plane crash
  • I thought he died on the jax
  • Not Elvis; Buddy Holly ye big eejit
  • I told you to stop confusing me
  • So did Patsy Cline. Our Patsy is named after her
  • Are all your family named after famous dead people then?
  • Yeah, except me. I’m named after saint Bernadette
  • She’s dead
  • She wasn’t famous though…except in the catholic church I suppose
  • So many stars died too soon Bernie… Michael Jackson… Prince…Freddie Mercury
  • …Bob Marley…Jim Morrison..
  • David Bowie… I loved David Bowie
  •  Jimi Hendrix…
  • Amy Winehouse.
  • Karen Carpenter…. jaysis we’re very cheerful tonight aren’t we?
  • Marilyn
  • I thought Marilyn Manson was still alive?
  • No Marilyn Monroe
  • Hardly a rock star but
  • Oh I thought we were just talking about dead stars
  • We were talking about Elvis
  • Oh yeah
  • So where were YOU then?
  • When?
  • When Elvis died?
  • Fucked if I can remember Bernie, sure I was only five
  • You were in your swiss! I think we should just listen to the music and have ‘A little less conversation’ Lynn,yeah?
  • Here he is back onstage, throw your knickers at him Bernie, I dare you. ”G’WAN ELVIS … you aint nothin’ but a hound dog…”

I sometimes wonder how I’m still friends with this girl!