Weight not want not #AprilAtoZChallenge

W

  • Where are you off to today Bernie?
  • Shopping with Julie
  • Again?I predict the smell the credit card melting
  • I’m not buying anything; we’re just looking
  • Are you not well?
  • I’m buying nothing until I lose weight
  • You must have lost some weight by now.
  • Don’t start with me Jimmy
  • You’re the one eating sneaky rasher sambos and big Macs
  • ONE rasher sandwich, and ONE big Mac, Jesus make me feel guilty why don’t you
  • You’re the one complaining about not losing weight, and I’m sick of this diet. How long are you…sorry WE on it
  • Too bleedin’ long, and anyway, don’t be getting all judgemental with me, I know you’ve been down eating dinners in your mas, then coming back here for your salad
  • A man can’t survive on lettuce alone
  • Well I’m expected to
  • Well you’re obviously wasting your time
  • Thanks very much for the vote of confidence
  • Anyway, you don’t need to lose weight
  • Nothing fits me Jimmy. I feel huge
  • You’re not huge
  • All of my clothes are tight on me
  • So buy bigger clothes…or stop with the sneaky rasher sambos
  • Are you looking for a slap in the head?
  • What?
  • I don’t want to buy bigger clothes. I want to fit into the ones I have
  • They look fine on you
  • They do not! They make me look like an elephant…and if you mention that rasher sandwich again I swear I’ll swing for you
  • It’s all in your mind Bernie, you look the same as you always do
  • So you’re saying I always look fat?
  • You don’t look fat
  • You see me everyday, so you don’t notice
  • I notice that you’re grand just the way you are

I don’t know whether to hit him or hug him!

😡😡😡

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Vinyasa Yoga #AtoZChallenge

V

  • Hiya Ma
  • Hiya Kylie
  • So what’s new?
  • Vinyasa yoga
  • What’s that when it’s at home?
  • Vinyasa Yoga aligns movement and breath in a smoothly flowing sequence.
  • What?
  • It’s a challenging practice designed to bring complete awareness of your posture, alignment, and patterns of movement.
  • You sound like you’re reading from a brochure ma
  • With Vinyasa Yoga you’ll achieve total wellbeing by nurturing deep inner relaxation while building outer strength, endurance, and flexibility.
  • You ARE  reading from a brochure
  • Emmm, yeah, Patchoulli dropped it over
  • So are you going to do it then?
  • I’m thinking about it
  • Well you’ve tried everything else so you may as well
  • Vinyasa Yoga classes are a great place to start or to continue on the path to a healthy body and mind
  • You’re still reading from the brochure aren’t you Ma?
  • Yeah
  • So?
  • I’m not sure about the flexibility part Kylie
  • Why?
  • I’m only free on Tuesdays and Fridays
  • 😂😂😂😂

yoga

Talking to myself

T

Sometimes, you’re the only one who’ll listen…

 

  • Morning Bernie
  • Alright Bernadette
  • How’s things?
  • Grand
  • Any news?
  • Nothing? You?
  • You don’t look the best Bernie
  • You’re not looking too hot yourself Ber
  • I’m knackered to be honest
  • I know how you feel, it’s this bloody…
  • …diet
  • Ah I’m sick of it now
  • Me too. All I can think of is food
  • …and how to get out of excercising
  • Why do you put yourself through it Bernie?
  • Fucked if I know Ber…all this shite just to get into a swimsuit for a week in Toremolinos
  • We can’t give up but, not while everyone is watching
  • ”We know you can do it Bernie” ”You’re doing great Bernie”
  • …while they stuff their faces in front of you
  • Fuckers
  • Yeah…fuckers
  • You don’t have to tell them you’ve given up
  • They’ll know, they watch every bit you put into your mouth
  • ”There goes your diet Bernie…I knew you wouldn’t stick it Bernie” I can hear them now
  • People only believe what they see…and they don’t have to see everything
  • No they don’t, do they?
  • Oh look it’s breakfast time? What are we having today Bernie? Muesli? Quinoa porridge? kitty litter on toast?
  • I fancy a dirty big rasher sandwich on white bread
  • Lovely…with ketchup
  • And a large mug of tea
  • Good woman
  • Diet my arse Bernie
  • Your arse is grand Bernie
  • Yeah it is isn’t it…one rasher or two?

Lovely

rasher sandwich

 

 

 

Slimming world

S

Me and Julie decided to go to slimming world to help us with our weight loss…

  • So, Bernie. You need to lose two stone
  • What? That much?I was thinking just a few pounds
  • I’m afraid not Bernadette
  • Are you sure
  • I’m sure
  • Well I’m not
  • Why are you here Bernie?
  • To lose a bit of weight, get some advice, a bit of encouragement
  • Well I’m advising you to lose two stone and I will encourage you to do it
  • How’s that Marian?
  • By sharing experiences with the group thus encouraging behavioural changes
  • There’s nothing wrong with my behaviour
  • Your eating behaviour
  • I’ve lost four pounds already this month
  • Well you need to lose more. Our image therapy shows you how to eat healthy without starving yourself
  • Well, I’m starving all the time
  • We will help you with that, as well as introducing some physical activity into your everyday life
  • Ah here, I’m not doing aerobics. I’d enough of that shite in the gym
  • You also need to cut down on fizzy drinks, you seem to drink a lot of them
  • Only in me vodka…I can still drink vodka can’t I
  • One or two at weekends is acceptable
  • Glasses or bottles?

 

This is harder than I thought

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Running #AtoZChallenge

R

They say you shouldn’t run before you can walk. I don’t know what possessed me to go running with Julie this morning

  • I have to go home Julie
  • What? We’re not even at the top of the road Bernie
  • I can’t do it, I’m sweating, and I’ve a pain in me chest
  • You’ll be grand, come on we’ll just jog slowly
  • That’s what I was doing Julie, and I’m not grand
  • Give it a chance, look , we’ll walk for a few minutes
  • I can’t Julie, I really have to go home
  • Jesus Bernie,we’re only running like less than five minutes
  • I don’t care, I said I HAVE TO GO HOME
  • What the fuck is wrong with you? This was your idea you know. I was happy enough just walking, it was you who said ‘lets run Julie’
  • I’m done running, lets go
  • Oh for fuck sake come on then. What’s the big rush to get home?
  • I’ve wet me knickers o.k.!!!

Bitch thought it was hilarious. Anyway by the time I got home to shower and change, I’d lost interest in running, or even walking for that matter. My bladder has got a lot to answer for…

pee pants

Quark and Quinoa

Q

  • BERNIE!
  • WHAT?
  • WHAT’S THIS WHITE STUFF ON MY PLATE
  • QUARK
  • WHAT?
  • QUARK
  • WHY ARE YOU MAKING DUCK NOISES?
  • WHAT?
  • WILL YOU JUST COME IN TO THE KITCHEN
  • What?
  • What’s this white stuff on my plate?
  • Quark, I told you
  • Ducks quack
  • QUARK … it’s a cheese Jimmy
  • Why didn’t you just say cheese? And what’s this shit?
  • Quinoa
  • What the fuck is that when it’s at home?
  • It’s like a grain
  • What am I? A duck?
  • QUARK!!
  • You’re losing the plot Bernie

duck.0

Ah lads it’s Friday…I need a laugh!

 

Obituary of a dieting housewife #AtoZChallenge

O

Best know for her love of karaoke and vodka shots, Bernie Rose Violet lived a full and happy life…until she decided to go on a diet.

”That was the day the music died for me” Bernie said, as she nibbled on a celery stick, and sipped her low cal iced water with a dash of lime.

Her husband Jimmy, who offered to diet alongside Bernie, is inconsolable, but vows to respect Bernie’s wishes

”Life just stopped having any meaning for me, once I gave up chipper chips and breakfast rolls. I mean, where is the excitement in cottage cheese and cabbage soup?” said Jimmy. ”Some days, I feel I just can’t go on, but a promise is a promise. Bernie herself reminded me of that, the last time I saw her … before she left for her slimming world weigh in”.

Bernie urged her friends not to be sad for her

”I know I’m going to a better place. A skinnier place. A place without muffin tops and bingo wings. A place where I can wear skinny jeans and bikinis without being laughed at by skinny bitches; for I too will be that skinny bitch. So don’t cry for me dear friends. I know it will be difficult but just remember…

Dieting is nothing at all ( it’s bloody hard)

It does not count ( but the calories do)

I have just slipped into the next room (upstairs in the centre beside the ladies jax)

Nothing has happened (yet)

Everything is exactly as it was (still fat)

I am I and you are you (jealous or what!)

Life means all that it ever meant ( except I’ll be skinnier)

Laugh as we always laughed (except at my fat arse)

Pray for me ( I’m dying for a chicken curry and a spice bag)

Nothing is lost ( please god a few pounds by next week)

How we shall laugh, when we meet again ( when I’m body beautiful)

Bernie is remembered by her family and friends, especially her unislim pals Marjorie and Tina, who gave up after two days. Bernie refused to give up with them, although they begged her

”Don’t cry for me Marge and Tina …the truth is I never left you, All through my wild days, my mad existence… I kept my promise…I kept my promise” Bernie Rose Violet (Dublin housewife)

”She was always a fucking drama Queen” Jimmy Violet (starving husband)

Until We Meet Again

e