Under the duvet #AtoZChallenge

U 17

  • You staying in bed again today ma?
  • I’m not very well
  • What’s up with you?
  • I think it was that takeaway we had last night
  • You always blame what you eat
  • I’m never eating Chinese again
  • You keep saying that ma
  • I mean it this time. I’m awake all night
  • You were unconscious every time I looked in on you
  • No I wasn’t
  • You were
  • I only had my eyes closed
  • You were snoring
  • No I wasn’t
  • You were
  • Well I’m not getting up yet
  • No problem. Do you want breakfast?
  • Oh no. I couldn’t eat a thing
  • O.K.
  • I’d love a up of tea
  • I’ll make it now
  • Maybe I’ll try a slice of toast
  • No problem
  • You know I can’t drink tea on it’s own
  • Right so
  • I never felt as tired in me life Bernie
  • You say that every morning ma
  • No I don’t
  • That bed has you tired, you’re never out of it lately
  • Me knee is giving me gyp as well
  • Did you take your painkillers?
  • I’ll take them with me tea and toast
  • Okeydoke ma
  • I’m not very well today Bernie
  • So you said
  • What?
  • I’LL JUST GO TOAST THAT BREAD
  • Yes, maybe I will try an egg
  • I thought you weren’t eating because you were sick?
  • It might settle me stomach Bernie
  • Whatever you say
  • What?
  • I’LL GO MAKE THE TEA 😩

Takeaway #AtoZChallenge

T 2017

  • I’m just ordering a Chinese ma, what would you like?
  • You know my stomach is not able for that spicy food Bernie
  • Chicken curry isn’t spicy
  • I’ll just have a breast of chicken, no sauce
  • Rice or noodles?
  • Chips
  • I thought you weren’t eating chips anymore because they’re too greasy
  • A few won’t harm me
  • Right so chicken and chips for you, chicken curry, fried rice and noodles for me. I’ll just go ring them now
  • Oh order me a curry sauce while you’re on
  • You just said you didn’t want anything spicy
  • But you can’t eat chips without curry sauce
  • You do on Fridays
  • That’s chipper chips. You have red sauce with chipper chips. You have curry sauce with Chinese chips
  • You could just have some of my chicken curry with chips so
  • Ah no, I told you I don’t want anything too spicy
  • But…
  • What?
  • Nothing ma…nothing. I’ll just go and order the food.

Sleepless in Ballyer #AtoZChallenge

  • Are you not getting up today ma?
  • Maybe later.What time is it?
  • Half past ten
  • Is that all?
  • So what’s  wrong with you?
  • I’m just tired Bernie
  • Aww. Did you not sleep?
  • Not much no
  • Did you not take your sleeping pill?
  • I forgot to take it before I fell asleep
  • So you did sleep then?
  • Well I slept til six
  • So you’re awake since six
  •  Well no. I took me sleeping pill
  • At six o’clock in the morning?
  • Yeah. I was wide awake
  • No wonder you’re bleedin’ tired now
  • Make us a nice cup of tea Bernie, it might wake me up
  • Not taking a sleeping pill at 6am would wake you up ma
  • What did you say?
  • I SAID I’LL JUST GO DOWN AND MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA MA
  • Thanks Bernie. I’ll just close me eyes here for a while. I’m worn out
  • You’re not the only one…🙄

Ripped #AtoZChallenge

R 2017

 

Whitney dropped in to visit me ma. I should have known she’d be spilling the beans on me when I was young. She has a memory like an elephant that aul one I swear to God…

  • Howya nanny
  • I’m grand love. How are you?
  • I’m alright
  • Come over to me so I can see you
  • Is this close enough nanny?
  • What happened to your trousers Whitney?
  • What do you mean?
  • Is that a hole in the knee?
  • Yeah it is nanny
  • Pass me my sewing basket and I’ll sew them up for you
  • No, it’s grand nanny
  • Does your mother not have a sewing kit?
  • Yeah she does but I don’t want them sewn, it’s the fashion
  • They’re ripped to pieces. Are you sure you didn’t have a fall?
  • No nanny, I bought them like this
  • What on earth possessed you to buy ripped jeans?
  • I told you. It’s the fashion
  • What sort of fashion is that in the name of God?
  • Ripped jeans fashion I suppose
  • Are your knees not freezing?
  • No, I’m grand nanny
  • Does your ma let you out like this?
  • Yeah
  • I don’t know why I’m surprised. She was as bad as you back in her day
  • Was she nanny?
  • I remember giving her the money for a new pair of jeans for the disco and what did she do? She took me good kitchen scissors to them. Ripped them to shreds she did
  • Did she nanny? Ah that’s gas
  • Indeed it was not gas at the time. Your granddad was going to kill her ‘Spending my hard earned  money on clothes for her to cut them to bits’ he said
  • What did he do?
  • He threw them in the bin and refused to buy her another stitch
  • I bet me ma went mad did she?
  • The little rip, took them out of the bin when he was gone to work. She was as brazen as hell that one. She thought I didn’t know but I saw her up town wearing them with her belly top and black leather jacket
  • My ma the rebel, ah wait til I see her
  • She was a rebel. She got herself a part time job after that so she’d have her own money. Spent it all on clothes she did
  • And she went mad at me when I bought these jeans
  • Don’t mind her, she’s probably jealous she can’t wear the like of that any more at her age
  • I don’t know nanny, me ma often borrows my stuff
  • That Bernie one, will she ever grow up?

 

Never  :p

ripped-jeans

Queer as folk #AtoZChallenge

Q 2017

  • Olive Byrne’s young fella came out at the weekend ma
  • Out where?
  • You know…OUT. He told her he’s gay
  • Is he sure he’s gay? It could just be a phrase.
  • IT’S A PHASE MA
  • Exactly Bernie.You know what young people are like these days
  • I’m sure he knows if he’s gay or not ma
  • Wasn’t he over in America last summer?
  • What’s that got to do with anything?
  • Maybe that’s where he got the idea?
  • What idea?
  • To be gay Bernie
  • You don’t just decide to be gay ma. You’re born that way.
  • I’m not so sure Bernie
  • So you think he woke up one morning and said, ‘Hey I’m in America, I think I’ll be gay now’
  • Well he got it from somewhere
  • You’re born gay ma. You don’t just catch it, like the measles or the chicken pox
  • Well I don’t remember him being queer before he went over there
  • Stop saying queer ma
  • What?
  • YOU CAN’T SAY QUEER
  • It’s the same as gay.
  • Queer means a bit odd. He’s not odd.
  • Well gay used to mean happy.How come you can say gay and not queer.
  • You just can’t, and anyway you don’t go away and just come back gay
  • At least Olive will have someone to go shopping with now
  • So, because he’s gay, he’s going to go shopping with his mammy?
  • It’s what the gays do Bernadette.
  • How would you know what gays do ma?
  • I know more than you do Bernadette. I wonder does he know Barry and Mark?
  • Who?
  • The gays across the road Bernie.
  • Ma just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he knows everyone that’s gay
  • I must ask Leonard at the dancing this week
  • Ma, stop it
  • You’re right, Leonard is too old, I’ll just ask Barry and Mark so

 

Give me patience with this woman!

Portfolios #AtoZChallenge

P 2017

  • I bought some cakes ma
  • Oh lovely. What did you get?
  • An eclair for me and a coffee slice for you
  • Aww I fancied a portfolio
  • Profiterole ma
  • WHAT?
  • PROFITEROLE
  • Yes please
  • I didn’t buy any
  • You just asked me if I wanted one
  • I didn’t
  • Make your mind up will you. Did you buy portfolios or not?
  • PRO- FIT- ER -OLES
  • That’s what I said. You said you didn’t buy any
  • Jaysis I didn’t
  • Ah go on I’ll have an eclair so.
  • The eclair is mine. You always have a coffee slice ma
  • I fancy a change
  • Well I don’t like coffee slices
  • Don’t be such a child Bernie and eat what you’re given
  • I bought them ma
  • We’ll cut them in half, have a bit of both
  • Oh just have the bleedin’ eclair ma
  • You’re in a right mood today Bernie. What’s wrong with you?
  • Nothing ma
  • Oooh this eclair is gorgeous Bernie, it’s like a large portfolio really isn’t it?
  • It’s a fucking PROFITEROLE
  • It’s an eclair Bernie
  • Lord give me fucking patience
  • Are you not eating your coffee slice?
  • No. I told you I don’t like them
  • What did you buy it for so? That was ridiculous. You should have bought yourself a portfolio
  • Yeah I should have shouldn’t I
  • That’s an awful waste  of cake
  • I’ll bring it home for Jimmy
  • And sure leave it there. I’ll have it for me afternoon tea

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH  😦

Oh Brother #AtoZChallenge

O 2017

  • Nice flowers ma
  • Bernard brought them for me
  • How is Saint Bernard these days?
  • Stop calling him that Bernie
  • Why?
  • He’s your brother. Be nice
  • He’s a pain in the arse ma
  • I won’t tell you again Bernadette
  • I’m not five ma
  • Well stop acting it then
  • Oh, you want me to act like Golden Balls Bernard do you?
  • There’s no need for that language in this house
  • I’ll leave so will I?
  • Do what you like
  • Don’t start ma
  • You started it Bernie. Calling your brother names
  • Ah leave it out ma will you. Bernard calls once in a blue moon and you think the sun shines out of his arse
  • He’s very busy
  • We’re all busy ma
  • Oh well don’t let me keep you from your busy life. I’ll be grand on me own
  • Jaysis he’s not even here and he’s causing shite
  • He did nothing
  • Tell me about it ma
  • What do you mean?
  • I mean…HE DOES NOTHING
  • He’s very busy. I told you
  • Too busy to come over and cut the grass or clean the windows for his mother once in a while
  • He works very hard. He has his own family to worry about
  • YOU’RE HIS FAMILY MA. For fuck sake. Stop always sticking up for him
  • I’m not sticking up for him
  • You are so. Jaysis, he brings over a poxy bunch of flowers  three weeks after Mother’s day and all of a sudden he’s son of the year
  • He’s MY SON
  • When it suits him
  • I wish you wouldn’t be fighting with each other
  • How can I fight with him when I never see him
  • Please Bernie
  • Ah whatever ma. I’ll just go and put these flowers in a vase. The lazy shite couldn’t even manage to do that.

Do you ever feel like just screaming?

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH   😦