Ma rang me today to ask me to do a bit of shopping for her. When I got to her house, she had a shopping list ready for me…
12 tins beans
12 tins peas
12 tins fruit cocktail
12 tins tomatoes
12 tins potatoes
12 tins carrots
12 tins soup
12 jars pasta sauce
12 packets spaghetti
12 packets pasta any shapes
12 tins hoola hoops
Large teabags (200)
4 boxes Magnums
Tray of 7up
4 sliced pans
Jelly babies (large)
Packet fig rolls
What the hell is all this for ma?
I want to stock up for the coronavirus, Bernie.
What in the name of god are you talking about ma?
The coronavirus, its on the way.
Ma, you’re not going to get the coronavirus.
How do you know? I could be put on lock down any day now.
Ma, you never leave the house anyway. You’ve been on lock down since October.
Well, anyone could bring it in with them.
I haven’t got the coronavirus, ma.
How do you know?
I just know ma.
Did you wash your hands when you came in?
I just got here ma, my hands are clean.
Here, use a blob of my hand sanitizer.
For gods sake ma.
…and why are you not wearing a mask?
Because it’s not Hallowe’en, ma.
Here, take one of mine.
I don’t need a face mask ma, leave it out will you.
Well if you’re not going to wear a mask, just drop the shopping at the front door when you get back, I’ll get Bernard to bring it in when he gets back from the chemist.
What’s he gone to the chemist for?
More hand sanitizer and face masks.
He’s bloody as bad as you.
Oh and get me a few sliced pans will you? I forgot to put them on the list.
Ma, you still have half a dozen loaves in your deep freezer since the big snow of 2018, and you do have them on the list. Look… 4 sliced pans.
You can never have too much bread, Bernie.
I give up.
That storm George is on the way too, better get me another couple of liters of milk.
It’s storm Jorge ma, and you’ve loads of milk in the fridge.
Horhay? What kind of name is that at all? Who lets all these foreign storms and viruses in at all? Is there nothing Irish left in the country?
Ah sure go on, get a tray of Guinness for me so.
You don’t even drink Guinness ma.
I heard alcohol kills the virus, so maybe get me a bottle of Jameson as well.
You don’t drink Jameson either ma.
I might be glad of it when I run out of milk, Bernie.
That woman really needs to get out of the house!