I’m not saying me ma has a suspicious mind but … actually scrap that…me ma has a very suspicious mind. She’s a terrible one for putting doubts in your head, even about your own husband…

• How’s Jimmy getting on with that house renovation Bernie?
• He’s still working on it ma. Every time he finishes one thing, Valerie wants something else
• Frankie must have had some insurance policy
• He must have. She’s spending like there’s no tomorrow.  Frankie must be turning in his grave
• It won’t be long before that one is out clubbing and partying and looking for a new fella
• Ah ma give her a chance. She was as married as long as I am
• ..and that’s another thing; You’d want to keep an eye on your Jimmy when she’s around
• My Jimmy is not like that ma
• Never underestimate the lure of a merry widow with a few bob in the bank, especially where your husband is concerned
• You really think highly of my Jimmy don’t you?
• I’m just saying , that’s all
• Well keep your thoughts to yourself ma. I trust my husband.
• Forewarned is forearmed Bernie
• Leave it out ma will you
• Is she good looking?
• I wouldn’t say good looking exactly, a bit mannish really; a bit like Annie Lennox
• She’ll be getting Botox and a boob job soon
• You think?
• I do…and a vajazzle thingy as well. You mark my words
• What would you know about vajazzles?
• Leonard was telling me about them
• Leonard is a seventy year old gay man ma, what would he know?
• His boyfriend owns a beauty salon in Blackrock. He said he’d get me discount anytime I want
• On a vajazzle?
• Feck off Bernie will you. What in the name of God would I be doing with a vajazzle? No, I mean for facials and manicures and the like.
• Maybe I’ll send the Val one over to him
• Ah now, don’t be encouraging her Bernie, well not until Jimmy is finished the work on her house
• Why is that ma?
• Because before you know it, she’ll be flouncing around the house in flimsy negligees, flaunting her vajazzle in front of the lads
• Val is hardly the flouncy type ma, sure she lives in jeans and doc martens
• At her age?
• You can wear docs at any age ma
• Not very feminine are they?
• She wore flowery skirts and dresses when Frankie was alive. She’s only starting to have a style of her own since he died
• Men like their women to dress like women
• Women can dress how they like ma. They shouldn’t have a man to tell them what to wear
• He seemed like the controlling type alright. His da was the very same with the mother. Poor Florrie, lord rest her,she wasn’t even allowed wear trousers. “Only one person wears the trousers in my house” he said to your da one time
• Like father, like son then
•  That oul fecker wouldn’t let her even come to the Bingo.
• How can women let men control them like that?
• Afraid of them obviously
• He sounds like an awful oul gobshite.
• I hope Val is happy now
• She seems happy enough. Happier than when Frankie was alive to be honest with you
• Happy to be free to flirt with other men you mean
• Leave it out ma will you

That woman, I swear to God, she’d wreck your head,