I told you me ma loves a good funeral story. I told her about Jimmy’s mate Frankie kicking the bucket last week…

• Another double glazed widow then Bernie
• What’s that ma?
• A double glaze widow. Bury their husbands of a Monday, get the builders in of a Tuesday
• That’s terrible ma
• Well, some of them wait a bit longer, they don’t like the neighbours talking
• I think you make these stories up ma
• As true as I’m sitting here Bernie, I’m telling you. As soon as the husband dies, they get the entire house double glazed because they weren’t allowed when they were alive
• Weren’t allowed? We’re not living in the fifties ma
• You’ve no idea Bernie. Not everyone is as lucky as you.
• Maybe it was like that in your era ma, but not now
• What are you talking about? Sure haven’t you just told me that Frankie’s missus getting a complete makeover on the house soon…and him only a few hours under the ground
• That’s one person ma…ONE
• …and what about Rita Burke in number nineteen? Attic conversion a month after Johnny kicked the bucket
• She needed the room for the grand kids when her daughter moved in with her ma
• …and Eileen Dunne around the corner. The hearse had hardly pulled away from the house when she had a new front door and a cobble lock driveway
• Stop exaggerating ma
• No exaggeration at all Bernie…and she had no one moving in with her except her fancy man
• Ma, stoppit
• You’re very naive Bernadette
• ..and you just love making up stories about the neighbours
• …Then there’s Maura Whatsername in the cul de sac. Didn’t Jimmy put in a new kitchen for her  a week after her fella died
• It wasn’t a week ma
• How long was it then?
• About a month
• See! I told you Bernie. You mark my words, that Valerie woman will be ordering a new conservatory and a world cruise in no time
• Actually Jimmy is calling around this week to give her an estimate
• Holy god, she’s quick off the mark isn’t she Bernie?
• She is ma. Frankie is only dead a week
• She’s wasting no time spending the insurance money is she?
• Well by all accounts, he was a right tight bastard
• So, she’ll be making up for all them years of penny pinching
• Poor cow all the same. I’d hate to be married to a mean man
• Nothing worse than a tight arse Bernie

Maisie talks some shite at the best of times, but I think she’s right about this one lads…