Jimmy had a day off work yesterday. I was just heading off to town to look for an outfit for Julies daughter’s wedding when he follows me out to the car. ‘I’ll come  with you Bernie’ he said. I hate when he comes shopping with me. He spends the whole time moaning and giving out about the length of time I spend in the shops. ‘Are you sure Jimmy?’ I said. ‘Would you not prefer to do a bit of gardening or relax in front of the telly? I’ll only be an hour?’ ‘Ah no, I’ll come with you love’ says he. ‘It’ll be nice’ There was no getting away from him. ‘Come on then’ I said. ‘But you better not start annoying me to hurry up’. ‘Sure you’ll only be an hour’ he said.

Well, when we got home that afternoon he was in a right mood.

• Never ask me to go shopping with you again
• I didn’t ask you. You just came
• Well, I thought you were only going to be an hour
• Don’t be stupid Jimmy
• What do you mean?
• When was I only ever an hour out shopping?
• But you said you’d only be an hour
• I always say that
• I know, but you never are
• We weren’t that long
• Four hours Bernie…four bleedin’ hours
• Well you should have stayed home then
• I should have. I’ve a pain in me hole looking at shops
• You knew I was looking for an outfit for the wedding
• But you got nothing, after four hours…NOTHING
• I didn’t see anything I liked, and you were no help, standing there with a bleedin’ face on you every time I tried a dress on
• I told you the blue one was alright
• Alright? Alright? I can’t go to my best friends daughters wedding in a dress that’s just ‘alright’
• Sure who’ll be looking at you?
• Thanks a lot
• Well everyone will be looking at the bride
• I’ll just wear me apron and slippers then will I Jimmy?
• Wear what you like Bernie, sure you’ve loads of dresses up in the wardrobe that you never wear
• It’s a bleedin’ wedding Jimmy. I have to get something new
• That’s ridiculous. I’m not getting a new suit
• Just because you’re happy wearing the same suit to every wedding and party we go to, doesn’t mean I have to.
• There’s nothing wrong with my suit, there’s plenty more years left in it yet
• Whatever you say Jimmy, you wear what you like
• I will. I don’t need to traipse around town either
• It’s different for men. You don’t give a shite what you wear
• I care. That suit’s a classic, it will never go out of fashion
• Just as well, you’re certainly getting your moneys worth out of it anyway
• Too right I’m getting me moneys worth.I bought that in Burton’s, it wasn’t cheap you know.
• I know, you tell me that every time you wear it Jimmy.
• Anyway, I’m finished with shopping after today
• You didn’t do any shopping, all you did was give out
• Well, you try standing outside Penney’s for forty five minutes. You said you were just going in to buy a pair of knickers
• You could have come in with me
• I could not. I’d look like a right spanner following you around the underwear department
• Well, you could have bought a newspaper and waited for me in the coffee shop
• I could have printed the feckin’ newspaper and ground the coffee beans, the length of time you were in there Bernie
• Stop exaggerating Jimmy. I wasn’t that long
• You were so. The security guard was giving me funny looks I was so long standing there.
• You’re imagining things. I’m sure the security guard is well used to men waiting for their wives outside
• Well, I won’t be doing it again in a hurry; I felt like a right tool
• I’m better off without you anyway…whinging and moaning every time I go into a shop
• I don’t mind you going in Bernie, it’s when you forget to come back out that pisses me off
• It takes time to browse. I don’t want to miss any bargains
• But you didn’t even buy anything
• I didn’t see anything I liked
• Four feckin’ hours traipsing around town and you saw nothing you liked?
• I’ll have to go back tomorrow
• Tomorrow? Again? Are you off your trolly? What makes you think you’ll see anything you like tomorrow if you couldn’t see anything today?
• Well, I can browse in peace, spend more time without worrying about you moaning outside
• Spend more than four hours?Well, you’re on your own.
• Thank God
• Don’t ask me to come with you
• Don’t worry, I won’t. Anyway, you’re in work tomorrow
• Thanks be to Jaysis

He is NEVER coming shopping with me again!