• That Simon Cowell is an awful gobshite Bernie
• I like him
• How can you like him?
• He’s gorgeous
• D’ye think?
• Ye, his eyes crinkle up when he smiles
• I’d say his arse does too Bernie
• No need for that Jimmy
• Does he never get sick wearing the same tee shirt but?
• It’s not the same tee shirt. He has loads of them
• How do you know?
• I just know
• Them trousers though Ber, if they were up any higher they’d be around his bleedin’ neck
• He obviously likes them like that. Just because you wear yours hanging off your arse doesn’t mean he has to
• I do not
• You give builders bum a bad name when you bend over
• You’re very critical Bernie. I’m sorry I’m not as fit as your Simon
• He’s not my Simon. I just like him that’s all
• He’s very harsh on some of them poor young ones
• He’s honest. They know what they’re letting themselves in for when they audition
• But still Bernie, he could be a bit more human
• Some of them eejits shouldn’t sing in the shower never mind on national TV.
• They make the show. It would be boring if they were all great singers
• So you agree most of them are shite?
• Some of them are
• Simon just says it like it is. I like a man that’s straight like that. No bullshit
• Simon says…will you get a grip Bernie
• You get a grip Jimmy
• That Cheryl Cole is a fine thing though
• She’s not called Cheryl Cole anymore
• What’s she called then?
• Cheryl Ann Fernandez-Versini
• That’s a mouthful
• It sure is
• Why is she not a Cole anymore
• She got divorced
• That fuckin eejit divorced her?
• She divorced him
• Why? Were they not getting on?
• He did the dirt on her
• Fuckin’ gobshite. Imagine doing the dirt on a lovely young one like her
• Well he did and now she’s not Cole anymore. Anyway, her new hubby is a fine thing
• She’s  a fine thing
• She’s alright
• She’s bleedin’ gorgeous
• If that’s the type you go for I suppose
• I’d go for her alright
• You could be her father
• Ah stop ruining it Bernie
• Ruining what? She’s hardly going to give up her life and run away with you
• And Simon would for you?
• I wouldn’t want him to
• Would you not?
• Why would I?
• Ah Bernie, I always knew you were a one man woman
• One man is more than enough Jimmy, believe me
• And I’m man enough Bernie
• You’ve got the whole package
• If you’ve got it, you’ve got it, it doesn’t matter how old you are
• Simon said that
• Good man Simon. You’ve got the X Factor
• …and a lovely smile
• …and an arse that crinkles when you smile
• You’re an awful gobshite Jimmy
• And Simon’s got the arse factor

Give me patience!