Heifer

I bought a new dress down the market for my birthday. I liked it at the time but wasn’t sure about it when I got it home. I made the mistake of asking Jimmy’s opinion…

Does my bum look big in this Jimmy?
I’m not answering that Bernie
Why not?
It’s an incriminating question
How is it incriminating?
Because any answer I give will be wrong
I just want a simple yes or no Jimmy
If I say yes, you’ll be in a mood, if I say no, you’ll say I’m lying
Just tell the truth for fuck sake
You can’t handle the truth Bernie
Fuck off Jimmy Violet, are you saying I’ve a big arse?
I said nothing of the sort
You said I couldn’t handle the truth
I was only winding you up
Well I’m not in the mood for your wind ups
See what I mean. I haven’t said yes or no and I’m in trouble anyway
Because you haven’t given me a straight answer
No
No what?
It doesn’t look big
You’re just saying that now to make me feel better
Yes then
So it does look big. How big? Is it huge?Like a heifer?
No, more like a small calf
You’re a bastard Jimmy
For fuck sake Bernie, I’m only messin’ I told you. It doesn’t look big, it doesn’t look huge and you don’t look like a heifer… or a calf, alright?
Well why did you say it then?
Because no matter what I say, you’re not happy. there’s just no pleasing you
I don’t know why I ask your opinion on anything
I don’t know either Bernie
I won’t be asking again
Thank fuck for that
Did you even buy me a birthday present?
I bought you a ring
Ah Jimmy, really. The silver one you promised me for my little finger
No, I got you one for your nose love
You’re bleedin’ hilarious
I do me best Bernie